To not want to always take my sisters child out with us?

[forfoxsakee]

I arranged to meet my mum today to go for a walk around Matlock bath and have an ice cream and some fish and chips in the gardens as it's my day off from work.This morning my sister also appeared at her house with my two year old niece before we left and it turns out she had rang her and arranged for us to take my niece with us as well. We've just got back and tbh it wasn't enjoyable it was a bit of a nightmare trailing a buggy and a child in this heat, she was hot and there were no toilets and she is only just potty trained. My mum has form for this and has done it before when we have arranged to go out together and we have ended up going round a farm park or other despite the fact that I have no children on my own yet. I love my niece to bits but aibu to want to be consulted first as it changes the whole dynamic of the day and sometimes I just want to spend time with my mum and have an adult day to be honest. I have tried to gently raise this with my mum before but she just accuses me of not liking children, which isn't the case as I spend plenty of time with my sister and niece. It's not for childcare either as my sister is at home today.

@forfoxsakee

No my sister doesn't hardly ever come. If I mention it my mum just says well me and niece will just go on a bus somewhere together then and that makes me feel guilty.

Yep. Crack on.

That's the answer to give. She chose to spend the hottest day of the year with a toddler.

You've spoken to her & she hasn't changed. So next you change your own behaviour if you feel strongly about this. Next time you arrive at her house & niece is there you leave saying you hadn't realized she was double booked & she can let you know when she is free, same if niece is dropped off after you arrive, you just leave, each and every time until she gets the message. No arguments, debates, emotional blackmail, just quietly grab your stuff & go. You have to be prepared that she may prioritise time with niece over time alone with you & you may not ever get the adults only time you want. That will of course change your relationship going forward as you have already suggested regarding contact with any future children of your own.

To be honest, I'd just stop making plans with her. Put the energy into planning something nice for yourself instead. You won't be let down, you can have a fabulous picnic of all your favourite things and you will know from the start what your day out will be like.

If your mother asks why you don't make plans any more, you can either just claim to be busy, or you can be more honest. It doesn't sound like you have much to lose in terms of your relationship with your mother.

When taking the bus is mentioned again, point out that getting a bus will probably be a big adventure for your niece, if she's only used to being driven around in a car.

Your mother is being very manipulative, and the only way to fix that is to draw your boundaries. If everytime you plan time with just your mum, and find niece there, you just leave, and don't let her guilt trip you, she will get the message. Gently trying to explain to her is not working. She gets it, but it isn't what she wants (probably because you have a car). She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions.

skodadoda That's ok!

I think YANBU and it does sound like you're being used for your car. I wonder if your DM drove would YOU even get to spend time with her? Or would she just drive DN round to places and not bother with you? I also totally get that people don't always want small children around them even if they love those children. I mean lbr I don't even want my own 2 yr old with me ALL the time.

On the other hand, days out like this in my family would be open to everyone to come and the concept of 'one on one time' doesn't really exist in my family. I think that's part of the culture where my immigrant father comes from. Families are families and everyone is always invited to everything really. If there are children in the family then they're always invited everywhere too. So I can't imagine being in your shoes and arranging to see my DM alone specifically where nobody else is invited or whatever anyway. Unless it was a very specific adult only type activity obviously children wouldn't be invited then (like spa etc that people have mentioned). But even with that culture I don't think you are being unreasonable as it seems like there's other issues at play.

Only on mumsnet would people think its so outrageous for a grandmother and auntie to take their child relative out.
Jesus fucking christ.

This does not make the sister lazy for not going. Maybe she wants a flippin break

You don't have to defend yourself!

Your sister skipped off and enjoyed a child free day didn't she?! Nobody's suggesting she doesn't love children etc etc

YANBU at all.

Not to derail further, but do you have a car seat for your niece when she rides in your car?

Yes because it's been so easy to meet up with friends given the situation over the past three months

@Giganticshark Fri 26-Jun-20 19:13:01
Only on mumsnet would people think its so outrageous for a grandmother and auntie to take their child relative out.
Jesus fucking christ.

This does not make the sister lazy for not going. Maybe she wants a flippin break

The OP wanted a break - she's been working! Taking a 2 year old out is NOT a break!

Statement yes I do as I used to pick her up from nursery occasionally if I finished early. A Cybex Sirona m2 to be specific, I clearly don't hate my niece that much as it cost me a small fortune

I think it's clear op that you've feel very sidelined by your mum since your niece arrived. I totally see you point and if you say anything your words are twisted along the lines that you're immature and don't want to share.,
I'm not sure there is much to be gained by 'forcing' your mom to spend one on one time with you, that for me would take any enjoyment away from the day. I would arrange very specific adult only activities and then she can come or not . If not I'd leave her to it. Lockdown won't last for ever and your own social life will pick up again .

@forfoxsakee

No my sister doesn't hardly ever come. If I mention it my mum just says well me and niece will just go on a bus somewhere together then and that makes me feel guilty.

you need to start feeling guilty instead of feeling guilt-tripped.

@forfoxsakee

She said earlier that my niece can tell I don't like her. The more I think about it the more I see that I'm being manipulated. And apparently it's me that's the problem and not my niece.

You are not the problem. Your niece is not the problem.

Your MUM is the problem.
I think you have seen this now, but I'd be so tempted to trade my car in for a 2-seater that would stop her in her tracks!!

@Giganticshark

Only on mumsnet would people think its so outrageous for a grandmother and auntie to take their child relative out. Jesus fucking christ.

This does not make the sister lazy for not going. Maybe she wants a flippin break

Yes , I get what you’re saying. Every mum wants a break . However, it is not acceptable to assume that every time your sister meets your mum that you can just pass your child off without even asking. OP isn’t currently feeling child oriented. It isn’t acceptable to assume that your sister will take your child out to farms, entertainments etc.. and for them to pay for it. OP stated that she works long and hard... she doesn’t need, on her day off, to be fobbed off with a child that she isn’t comfortable with.

YANBU. If you continue to allow this to happen, they’ll both walk all over you forever. You need to put a stop to it.

You’ve no need to feel guilty; if they say they’ll have to go on the bus then just say “I guess so” and leave them to it.

@Giganticshark

Only on mumsnet would people think its so outrageous for a grandmother and auntie to take their child relative out. Jesus fucking christ.

This does not make the sister lazy for not going. Maybe she wants a flippin break

She doesn't have the right to get that break by effectively stealing the OP's day off.

*"Oh, have you double-booked yourself as babysitter? Oh well, I'll leave you to it and see you another time."

"Please stay, I've already told dear niece that we'll go to the zoo / park / softplay [anywhere that involves a journey that cannot be done by bus] and I don't want to disappoint her."*

Sorry mum, foxes taxi service isn't running today and I really don't want to spend my days off as an unexpected babysitter, I'm sure you'll find something else to do but think I'm going to leave you to it today and see you next time when it's just us as planned, have a great day, love you, bye

(There, I've finished the conversation for you - rinse and repeat as many time as necessary)

Oh forfox YANBU that's hugely unfair. Of course you wanted to spend your day off as you wanted meeting your Mam in peace. I stead you were lugging a 2 year old in a buggy whilst sis was sitting on her arse??!

I've kids and I'm sick to death of hearing about my niece from my sister and mother but I do say if I'm meeting my Mam, are we actually going to be just by ourselves?? As I want to catch up with you with distractions. (Nothing wrong with saying that)

And that's bollicks about sister needing a break, im sure Granny is doing loads by the sounds of CF sister.

And I've no doubt you love your niece as a niece. As a wise old woman said to me years ago 'nobody else gives a shite about your kids except you' (and maybe GP lol)

Be strong OP

I'd take the car seat out of the car and leave it behind next time you suspect your mother might pull this trick. Just look blank and say something about removing it to transport something and forgetting to put it back as you didn't expect to need it....

YANBU. Why would you want to drag someone else's toddler round on a long walk on one of the hottest days of the year? Not relaxing...

My toddler and I spent today in the garden in the paddling pool and sandpit. Much more relaxing... Though if I could have palmed him onto someone else and sunbathed and read my book in peace, I would have thought about it 😁!

You've been had!

@Giganticshark

Then OP needs to grow a backbone or get more friends. Or entertain herself another way

OP just wants, occasionally, to spend a day with her own mum. An adult day. A child free day. Just every now and again.