To not want to always take my sisters child out with us?

[forfoxsakee]

I arranged to meet my mum today to go for a walk around Matlock bath and have an ice cream and some fish and chips in the gardens as it's my day off from work.This morning my sister also appeared at her house with my two year old niece before we left and it turns out she had rang her and arranged for us to take my niece with us as well. We've just got back and tbh it wasn't enjoyable it was a bit of a nightmare trailing a buggy and a child in this heat, she was hot and there were no toilets and she is only just potty trained. My mum has form for this and has done it before when we have arranged to go out together and we have ended up going round a farm park or other despite the fact that I have no children on my own yet. I love my niece to bits but aibu to want to be consulted first as it changes the whole dynamic of the day and sometimes I just want to spend time with my mum and have an adult day to be honest. I have tried to gently raise this with my mum before but she just accuses me of not liking children, which isn't the case as I spend plenty of time with my sister and niece. It's not for childcare either as my sister is at home today.

I'm afraid I wouldn't come if my 2yr old wasn't welcome

I loved time with my kids but loved time with my friends exclusively (as your kid will when it’s older).My husband would have welcomed the time alone with his child too.
Point of OP story is the mother wasn’t with the child!

MissingMargherita

think you misread, the child's mother, the op sister, does NOT go with them. That's really the point. However her mother shouldn't agree to take her either. I'd be pissed off and I have 4 of my own, doesn't mean want to be saddled with someone else's though, especially on day off
THink the idea of saying 'Let me know when you have a child free day' is a very good one. That way no one gets upset.

So OP, your mother is using you as transport and another set of hands to give your sister a day off, on YOUR day off.

YANBU.

Very wise to back away and do something nice on your day off.

Everyone is suiting themselves.
Time you did too.

Gosh poor doting granny what a manipulator! I would give your mum a wide birth for a while OP and if she ever realises that she hasn't seen you tell her again that you're tired of entertaining sister's brat on your day off and that you are now spending your days off doing adult activities. Then mum can decide whether she values time with sisters brat more than her own brat! There is a thought about grandchildren - that many grandparents wish they had had them before their own kids. It is an overwhelming love and can be all-consuming and obsessive.
I think your problem is really with your mum. I think I stand alone on this thread that I feel you come across a bit spoilt wanting to have your mum to yourself over your niece. My childless brother hated me visiting my mum with my kids when he wanted mummy time all to himself. Or God forbid if I had left my kids with my mum and he turned up it would be why are you seeing to her kids you've had yours. I did used to pay her if she had them for me so to me that was a financial arrangement not a favour. I called him Uncle Scar.
It maybe comes as women are older when they have children and have me time. I was still a kid when I had mine and then became a young gran and I feel my grandkids are equal in my heart to my kids and maybe adult kids struggle with this reality. To me it's just family life - all the generations rumble on together and anyone who doesn't like it can lump it.

So it's spoilt to want to spend one on one time with your own mother now? Or is that just if you happen not to have children?

We so often hear tales of parents who never see their adult children, maybe this is why?

My favourite time of the week is when I meet my dad for coffee and we go sailing together. Just me and him. No husband, no grandkids, no other siblings. That doesn't make me spoiled or somehow needy and pathetic - just an adult who enjoys the company of her dad and actually the fact that all of his children willingly spend one on one time with him says a lot about the type of parent he is.

Sorry OP, I share your frustration, I have exactly the same issue with my mum and it's been reassuring to read responses saying it's not ok.

We live a fair distance away and almost every time without fail, since my nephew was born, he tags along at the last minute when I arrange to meet my mum. It's been going on for years now, and I have raised it repeatedly as sometimes I really just wanted to spend time with my mum and frankly doing that with a baby / toddler / young kid in tow is hard work and means you have to change plans (my Dsis also never comes and meeting my mum at a soft play centre never filled me with joy). I was similarly accused of not liking kids.

Now I have DC of my own and there's still no change. I'll be visiting my mum for a weekend with DC and my Dsis will drop off nephew for the whole day or overnight because it will be 'nice' for the cousins to spend time together. Or worse, on the rare occasion I'm without DC the same thing will happen. My Dsis barely stays long enough to say hello before she's gone.

It feels like I'm being used as childcare as I'm left with my mum looking after 3 kids rather than 2, they don't all play well together and the worst bit is that unlike my nephew my DC never ever get time alone together with their granny.

I have no solution. At times it has put a big strain on the relationship with my mum, who I'm very close to, as I do feel second best to my sister and her needs (and my DC also come second). I slowed down visits a lot and told her why, but again, I know I'm just labelled as a miserable person who doesn't like spending time with kids (even now I have my own kids!). Sorry to not be able to give advice, I do hope you manage to find a better solution than I have!

It feels like I'm being used as childcare as I'm left with my mum looking after 3 kids rather than 2, they don't all play well together and the worst bit is that unlike my nephew my DC never ever get time alone together with their granny.

We had this - the DN&N were always there when we visited and 3 DC never had Grandparent time. It was always forced bonding with the cousins. I was expected to mind them, cook or whatever was needed and know this by osmosis. The DC got fed up with each other and trips out were always smaller child friendly so not age appropriate for the older ones who got bored.

It was exacerbated because the grandparents were doing shared childcare of the DN&N but other grandparents were mostly unavailable (or not up to scratch) for some reason.

Didn't end well.

Luddite26
How is it being a brat to value time sustaining separate relationships without having someone else dump their kids on you?

I love spending time with my siblings. Sometimes partners join us and there's no children, sometimes it's just siblings with no partners and no children. Sometimes I go for lunch with just my mum, other times DC come with me.When I meet up with friends, sometimes there's children and sometimes there's not.

The world doesn't have to bend around parents who either think their children and them come as a package at all times, or parents who try to palm their kids off on family and friends.

Sometimes there's threads on here that highlight why some parents have strained relationships with their adult children and there's often two common themes:

1. Their child has decided that they will prioritise their partner's family so often that it strains relationships (usually this means that the wife prioritises her family with the children and husband's family should suck it up from the day the baby is born because he didn't give birth)
2. Parents chose to play favourites with adult children, especially once grandchildren are on the scene

We really don’t need 10 pages jumping on MissingMargherita for not reading the OP’s follow up replies closely enough. She literally posted on page 2 that she’d missed the detail about the child’s mum not being there and that she agreed this detail changed things and that I t was unreasonable for the sister to use the gran as free babysitting.

Honestly the posters yelling at MissingMargherita to rtft need to rtft themselves.

yy @CathyComesHome I'm not sure I've ever seen so many people pile in on anyone as poor @MissingMargherita !

Of all the suggestions, I like the ones about telephoning before leaving to double check that mum isn't baby-sitting, and saying you'll reschedule if it turns out your niece has magically appeared again.

And do have a chat with your sister, make sure she knows that your mum borrowing your niece for days out is her idea not yours.

Did I miss the the announcement of the CV19 being gone? If you’ve “bubbled” with your mum then she can’t be bubbled with your sister and grandchild. It’s a simple rule folks! Plus Matlock Bath would have been rammed on a sunny day with little chance of being 2m apart let alone 1m! It’s basically a small one street mini town!! What did lockdown achieve if we all act like we are free to do as we fancy? What did we clap for each Thursday? May as well as put 2 fingers up at the nhs and it’s staff for all their efforts that people are undoing because they are “fed up” of 3 months of restrictions. We’d never have survived 4 years of war time restrictions that’s for sure. So blinking frustrated right now with people “bending” rules

It's not like it was a mum and daughter spa day it was fish and chips and ice cream in a park . Mum thought it was an opportunity for her GD to get out with them. Mum hasn't got a car so thought her daughter wouldn't mind doubling up to make it easier for her to do this. Daughter does mind. So could leave mum to it. Maybe mum would find sitting in the park boring with daughter and a waste of her time so OP is better to spend her day off doing what she pleases and leave her mum to it. That may make mum see what she is being like with OP. Mum might work full time and feel time short I don't know but adult kids can be demanding which is fine if parents have plenty of time to spread themselves round all the family.

Dynamics have changed in families. I do understand how it is when GPs are overbearing with grandchildren and in-laws etc as many posters have said but when people are saying the mum is using the OP for her car etc I think it's a bit harsh, and yes, that's how families fall out as one would be inclined to say stuff your car I will get the bus. The niece is the innocent party in this and I feel the OP is resenting the time her mum is giving her niece. Obviously other people see it differently. Whenever I did anything with my mum it was to do things to make her life easier cos her time was precious busy working etc and being a single woman had all the house and garden to see to. I just feel that when you are an adult your dynamics change with your parents and I always put my mum's needs before mine. I did say i'm the only one on the thread seeing it this way. If OP isn't happy with her mum stop wasting her time and do something more interesting herself.

It’d annoy me if I’d arranged a day out with my mum to have a 2 yr niece sprung on me at the last minute.

I’m sure that OP’s mum is seeing this as a good opportunity to give her DGD a nice day out, but it’s not really fair on OP to just add the 2 yr old into the day out without bothering to ask OP if she minds.

I’d try having another chat with your mum about this before stepping back from her though OP. Try and explain that while you love your niece, sometimes you just want to see your mum by herself.
And honestly if she starts accusing you of not liking children again, I’d be awfully tempted to retort with something like “well, it feels like you don’t like me, because you never want to have a trip out with me by myself”

Op how old is sister? A teen? Is she the youngest?

Yanbu THEY ARE. I've three kids and I've never once forced anyone to look after them. I had my first at 23. My kids my responsibility.