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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to always take my sisters child out with us?

239 replies

forfoxsakee · 26/06/2020 16:39

I arranged to meet my mum today to go for a walk around Matlock bath and have an ice cream and some fish and chips in the gardens as it's my day off from work.This morning my sister also appeared at her house with my two year old niece before we left and it turns out she had rang her and arranged for us to take my niece with us as well. We've just got back and tbh it wasn't enjoyable it was a bit of a nightmare trailing a buggy and a child in this heat, she was hot and there were no toilets and she is only just potty trained. My mum has form for this and has done it before when we have arranged to go out together and we have ended up going round a farm park or other despite the fact that I have no children on my own yet. I love my niece to bits but aibu to want to be consulted first as it changes the whole dynamic of the day and sometimes I just want to spend time with my mum and have an adult day to be honest. I have tried to gently raise this with my mum before but she just accuses me of not liking children, which isn't the case as I spend plenty of time with my sister and niece. It's not for childcare either as my sister is at home today.

OP posts:
feelslikeimgoingmad · 26/06/2020 17:19

I feel really sorry for you OP. I have some weird crap going on with my dm and dsis too and i can sympathise
Sounds like you’re just being used for your car and your assistance ☹️

Brefugee · 26/06/2020 17:19

i think PP was right in saying that your sister stole your day off and i think these are words you should use with your mum (and maybe also your sister) when you talk about this.

And tbh, i would be REALLY cross if i got landed with a 2 year old when i hadn't been asked. If your mum isn't getting the message you will need to either do what pp suggested and arrange something that isn't suitable for children (although i don't see why you should) or just turn on your heel and go out on your own.

TinyPigeon · 26/06/2020 17:20

She's using you to be her driver and help with childcare. Next time cancel if she pulls this stunt.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 26/06/2020 17:22

I'd be really annoyed too...i've got 3 kids mostly grown up and i can remember how difficult the toddler years were....especially when it was just sprung on you.

Original poster
forfoxsakee · 26/06/2020 17:22

I did consider just going out on my o

OP posts:
Brefugee · 26/06/2020 17:24

what does your sister say when you tell her about this? or haven't you asked her opinon?

mbosnz · 26/06/2020 17:24

My mother couldn't understand that I wasn't as besotted with her first grandchild as she was, that I did not want to babysit it, I did not want to take it for walks and to the park, or babysit for free, and that sometimes I'd like my parent's time and attention.

I was being most unreasonable and unnatural, and how did she think that made her feel? I was 9 at the time. . .

Original poster
forfoxsakee · 26/06/2020 17:25

I did consider just going out on my own. Me and my mum used to be really close as it was mostly us two as my sister moved out quite young and she was a single parent. Since my niece has been born she has just been all consumed by her and my sister and tbh it does sting a bit and our relationship has deteriorated. I would usually meet up with friends but due to my closest friends working in healthcare it's just not a good idea and I don't have a partner at the moment.

OP posts:
fassbendersmistress · 26/06/2020 17:26

I have tried to gently raise this with my mum before but she just accuses me of not liking children, which isn't the case as I spend plenty of time with my sister and niece. It's not for childcare either as my sister is at home today

Perhaps point out to your Mum that, in fact, it appears your sister is the one who doesn't like children as she is so eager to fob her 2 yr off on you.

ComeBy · 26/06/2020 17:26

Outrageous!

No way should you be used as childcare in your day off without even being asked!

Tell your Mum straight. “There are times when I love to see niece, and times when I need a day off, not fo a day’s babysitting. please do not make arrangements that affect me without talking to me first. I have done a week’s hard work and am now knackered”.

Original poster
forfoxsakee · 26/06/2020 17:28

I also don't think she realises that if she carries on she may not see much of any future children of mine.

OP posts:
LillianBland · 26/06/2020 17:32

@forfoxsakee

I did consider just going out on my own. Me and my mum used to be really close as it was mostly us two as my sister moved out quite young and she was a single parent. Since my niece has been born she has just been all consumed by her and my sister and tbh it does sting a bit and our relationship has deteriorated. I would usually meet up with friends but due to my closest friends working in healthcare it's just not a good idea and I don't have a partner at the moment.
She knows she doesn’t have to make an effort with you, OP as she has you well trained. She’s not necessarily closer to your sister, but is making sure she dues by lose contact with her grandchild. She’s using both of you and will continue to do so, for as long as you dance to her tune. Time to change the music, OP. It sounds as if your relationship will get worse, the longer this goes on.

I’d advise telling her that you’ve decided to meet a friend for coffee as you need some quality adult company, after working all week. If she started that manipulative crap about you not ‘liking children’, just tell her you’re sorry she feels that way and you’re happy to meet up if she decides to have a grown up day out, then say your goodbyes. Don’t hang around/on the phone as it will end up as an argument, where she will act the victim. She doesn’t actually sound like a very nice person.

lilgreen · 26/06/2020 17:33

Yanbu. Why doesn’t she go with your sister and go out with you separately?

Suzie6789 · 26/06/2020 17:33

You definitely need to say something, but I think you can do it nicely using the examples posters have suggested here.

LillianBland · 26/06/2020 17:34

she dues by lose contact

She does not want to....

Original poster
forfoxsakee · 26/06/2020 17:35

She said earlier that my niece can tell I don't like her. The more I think about it the more I see that I'm being manipulated. And apparently it's me that's the problem and not my niece.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 26/06/2020 17:36

I know it's not the point of the thread but I really want a day out in Matlock Bath now. Its lovely for a wander.

GreenTulips · 26/06/2020 17:36

I also think she’s using you to help look after DN

I think your sister is complying as well as she ha assumed you’re ok with it

lilgreen · 26/06/2020 17:37

Just say “ Mum it’s nice to spend time with niece but I’d like to spend some time with just you.” If she acts anything other than flattered and accommodating, she’s playing games.

LillianBland · 26/06/2020 17:37

I’ve changed my mind about saying she’s not very nice. She’s a nasty, manipulative bastard. I bet she’s always played you and your sister off against each other, when you were younger. We’re you the golden child and your sister the scapegoat? She’s decided to swap your roles, because of the grandchild.

Melroses · 26/06/2020 17:37

She knows she doesn’t have to make an effort with you, OP as she has you well trained.

My mother used to do this a lot to me, and I think this is right - she used to take me out when I was younger but that was for an extra pair of hands for carrying shopping etc. We used to go to the theatre, but that was with her friends. I don't remember her wanting to do stuff to be with me. After DN was born, she always had to look after her, so that was it really. I think I was too passive.

You will have to train her.

LolaSmiles · 26/06/2020 17:38

The more I think about it the more I see that I'm being manipulated. And apparently it's me that's the problem and not my niece.
I agree but your niece isn't the problem here: your mum and sister are.

A toddler is an innocent party in all of this and perhaps your mum should be reminded of this.

cingolimama · 26/06/2020 17:38

OP, this is really hurtful behaviour, and I totally understand why you're upset. Your mum basically doesn't think about you, what you want to do, and your feelings, but just breezily includes a toddler in what was YOUR time. Reading between the lines, I get the sense that if your sister was desperate, if you'd been asked, you would have been willing. It's the cavalier attitude that really grates - as if you're not entitled to any consideration in this. My mother used to do similar.

As pp have suggested, I think you need to be really clear and firm about this with your mum, and sister. You deserve better.

LoafingLiz · 26/06/2020 17:38

It sounds to me your mum doesn't value the one on one time with you as much as you do

Sadly I agree with this.

Don't let your mum and sister use you for their own agenda.

calmcoolandcollected · 26/06/2020 17:39

I would call before leaving and ask if niece is going to be there. If yes, I would say I will leave you to have a splendid day with niece.

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