@StonedRoses
Not a wind up. I wish it was.
And I am bothered. Deeply. It’s tearing me apart. I am conflicted between what’s best for my son, my parents, my wife (because I do care for her and I believe she’s ill) and finally myself. I really worry about her health and what impact my actions could have on that. I’m trying my best to keep my son out of this and keep things as normal for him as possible (whatever normal is at the moment!). I feel this is better done with me in the house then leaving.
I suspect lots of here people know that ltb or just stand up to then isn’t as straightforward as it sounds
I am doing a lot of soul searching and thinking - and the advice on here has been very helpful. I’m sorry if I don’t reply to each post or if I come across as uncaring. Sometimes there isn’t much more to say.
I have complex mental health issues. I have boarded on being admitted to psychiatric hospitals due to anxiety and depression more then once but touch wood have never gone far enough to be admitted.
I like your wife have a deep need to feel in control at all times. I cannot cope with sudden changes or situations i cannot control. This had a huge negative impact on my DH, specially when he is a very social person who enjoys nights out whereas I'm a introvert who enjoys my own space. I used to blow up over rediculous things such as DH not coming straight home from work, or not coming home at 8pm when out with friends and instead saying he would be home later. I realised that although I couldnt help how i felt, it wasnt fair to force other people to suffer for my emotions. So I sought out a mixture of therapy while also realising that sometimes I would have to learn how to manage my intense anxiety about situations. This has meant our relationship has gotten much stronger as I have learnt coping mechanisms, and my DH has responded by being aware of when things are really too much. It is possible and that is what your wife should be working towards. At one point my DH had all the pressure of walking on egg shells and frankly it almost destroyed our relationship (hes not perfect either mind you) in many ways as its simply not healthy. In many ways i am INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL that he didnt enable my toxic behaviours. My previous long term relationship was with a lovely guy who enabled my anxieties and insecurities, and the problem with enabling mental health is that you DO NOT GET BETTER, as you simply have no need to. I actually ended up leaving that relationship because i recognised that i couldnt get better with someone who would ask how high when i said jump even if they didnt want to.
Regarding PIL, frankly my PIL are a absolute nightmare. There is a huge backstory, but the TLDR version is that they are seperated and both abusive in their own ways, resulting in periods of NC with both in the past 5 years. My DH although cautious with them, wants a relationship because they are his parents, whereas i on the other hand will never be able to forgive them for not only their actions since i've been with DH but the way he was treated throughout childhood (I'm a psychological researcher) and how this now impacts him as a adult (his not so good bits). BUT before my DH drove, i did semi regularly drive him to see one or another of his parents. I hated it, absolutely dreaded it as they were vindicted and manipulative, I would have severe anxiety in the 24 hours leading up to it, and would spend the entire time there hating every second, but i sucked it up, plastered a smile on, was meek and polite and kept myself on the fringes of interaction enough to be socially acceptable. It was and still is my idea of personal hell, specially as they love to spring things on us which is my idea of a nightmare, but i respect the fact that my DH has a right to see and have a relationship with his parents. So i will enough him to have a relationship with healthy boundries.
But what I am trying to say is that mental health may need extra support and understanding, but it cannot be allowed to dictate the lives of those around you. Theres a difference between needing additional consideration if having a bad day/week in comparison to dictating everyones movements for years. You absolutely should not be having to chose between your wife and parents, and your DS should not be suffering by having a broken relationship with his grandparents. If your wife is really as bad as she makes out then your DS needs all the support from other adults as he can get.
Likewise regarding your Son, being in this situation with you being submissive to every whim of your wife is teaching your son that abuse, because this is abuse, is acceptable. And unfortunately childen often follow the patterns their parents exhibit for them while there growing up. Do you really want in 10/20 years to not be able to see your son, as he has become a doormat for a equally controlling and abuse women? Likewise its not healthy for a child to be in a situation where there every action is controlled, its setting them up to either rebel against control/authority or the possibility of being bullied/scapegoat/doormat as they wont learn to display autonomy or a voice/opinion. If your wife is not controlling your son as she is to you, then frankly shes purposefully being abusive towards you as you cannot control who your anxieties impact (At my worse it impacted my DH, my parents, my closest friends equally).
Please dont allow mental health to be used as a excuse to be abusive. I've been on both sides of it, the one using my mental health as a excuse and the one trying to help someone who used mental health as a excuse. and it really IS NOT a excuse and it really does nothing to support those with mental health problems to label them one and the same. Unfortunately something i've learnt is that people have to want to help themselves. They may learn to help themselves when people stop enabling them/they are forced to, they may see the damage they are doing and make the choice. Or they may be perfectly happy to use mental health as a excuse to be abusive and therefore refuse to even attempt to get help. If you try to help someone to help themselves but they refuse, all you can do is walk away from it, as you have done EVERYTHING you could and are not responsible for their actions going forward. If you walk away and are really concerned then you can report it to local mental health crisis team and/or police for welfare checks. But you absolutely do NOT leave your son with your wife if her mental health is as bad as your claiming, as even if its not physically dangerous the mental harm of a controlling or explosive parent should not be underestimated.