Having my parents round - AIBU

[StonedRoses]

So my DW is not the biggest fan of my parents! She finds them a bit tedious and boring! They are a bit doddery these days and rather set in their routines. But I’m quite fond of them in their annoying way. Yesterday I had an email from my father saying that as the rules were being relaxed from 4th July could they come over and see us for a day. My mother hasn’t really been out since lockdown and wants a change of scenery and misses her grandchildren.
I asked my DW and she said no. Too much hassle, she finds them irritating and boring and she doesn’t want them here. She pointed out that I saw them last month anyway - for 30min in their garden. I’m quite hurt by this. I’d like to see them properly and it seems wrong that I have to get permission to invite my parents to our house. We could try and meet up elsewhere but it’ll be much easier for them to come here.
AIBU to be upset at this?

"If it’s a choice of falling out with parents or DW obviously I’ll go for parents!"
Why should you fall out with either over this? Would you really abandon your parents because they are a bit doddery and they don't have a lot in common with your wife? How does that fit in with your Christian values?

Your wife is controlling you yet you still defend her as "lovely" in the other thread. What do you mean - she is lovely to look at? She controls your life and who you can and cannot see. You would fall out with your parents for her. She must have done a real number on you.

I don't feel particularly comfortable around my in laws but I don't ban them from the bloody house! She is definitely being unreasonable unless there's a back story.

My DH doesn't get on with my parents either, but even he wouldn't argue that them coming to the house (particularly if they've not been for months) was unreasonable.

They live too far for regular visits these days, but when they did visit he tended to say hello, made some small talk about the weather and how-was-their-journey, and then vanished into another room for most of the visit. Though mostly I invited them over when he was out.

We're married. He moved into my house. So it's now our house. It's that simple

Just a thought - if she thinks it's "too much hassle" - what is the hassle that their visit will cause? If you offered to take all the "hassle" off her shoulder (any cleaning, sorting out of meals etc), would she change her mind?

There’s no backstory. They’ve never been nasty or unpleasant to her (or vice versa). Just different people with not much in common!

Well, they've got you in common for a start!

Why would your wife fall out with you for you seeing your parents?

What does it mean for the day?

Morning till dinner?
Or over a long lunch?

Do you have her parents or friends over?

Unless they are nasty to her, why can’t she put up with them for a few hours over the year?

She’s controlling you. I’d leave her

I don't have much in common with my in laws and they are a bit doddery. Guess what we get on fine, they are nice people who made a wonderful son.

It's perfectly possible to have a pleasant few hours with anyone provide you both respect each other, your problem is that your wife doesn't respect your parents (and probably you).

it seems wrong that I have to get permission to invite my parents to our house

It does. It's your house too.

Is she like this about anything else or is it just your parents visiting?

You definetly have a wife problem here.

"DW, my folks are coming round for the day on 4 July. Feel free to take yourself for a day out if you'd prefer not to be around, the kids and I will keep them entertained and looked after"

Who asks if their own parents can visit?!

I can't stand my PIL, especially my MIL (for good reasons) but I'd never say no to that.

YANBU. Your DW is. She quite sounds unpleasant and controlling. Stand up for yourself.

"boring and tedious", is very dismissive and cruel.

Your wife is being unreasonable, does she expect that her family can come over and you have to put up with them?

Honestly? Your DW can put up with it for a day.
My husband and I have an agreement that if either of our parents are coming for any reason, the other puts up and shuts up for a bit. If either parents are too overbearing, we have a little “system” that lets the other know that there is a problem. But yeah your DW can cope for one day. It won’t kill her.

I really dislike my partners DF and SM, but I still allow them into my home, and to spend time with my children? What kind of person would I be if I didn't?

If she's not willing to do that does she even care about you?

It difficult. She’s had a rough few years with health problems and infertility - which has lead to mental health issues as well. I really feel for her. As she’s explained being in control is really important for her health - she gets anxious if she feels out of control. So making the decisions and being comfortable with them is key for her. And being by herself is not something she enjoys.
So I get why it’s difficult for her. She doesn’t want my parents round because she finds it tough and also it’s hard for her to go out by herself. She needs to invite them round when she is ready and comfortable with it.
She doesn’t really get on with her parents either so we don’t see them very often. So it’s not double standards

You're not making her leave her house - you're inviting your parents, who are perfectly nice to her, to visit you and their grandchildren. She can either suck it up (which most normal, sane adults would do) or she can take herself off somewhere else. Her choice.

You tell your wife a relationship with parents is important to you and they will be visiting. If she would rather not be here when they come then that is upsetting but you understand. You would never stop her seeing family or friends and you don't expect to be made to choose either.

Then if she doesn't agree you fall out with your wife, in fact I would be leaving. Can you imagine one of your children grows up and loses contact because their partner doesn't have much in common with you? Do what you think is right, not what is least hassle.

She doesn't have to go out she can stay upstairs and pretend to be out, or ill. Support her mental health but it cannot be at the cost of all other relationships!!!

She sounds like a bitch how can you let someone like that treat you're parents like that. I would be divorcing her arse.

So you’re just giving in?

You’re not helping her by letting her control everything.

Where are you in all this?

Could she make a conscious decision to at least spend some time with your parents for your sake?

If they don't know about her issues, explain them to them, and agree on them staying a short time.

I can see that a whole day would be too much for her, but they could have afternoon tea and a short stay. You could go out for a walk with them, and she could stay elsewhere in the house or go for a walk herself, if she feels overwhelmed at any point. You and your parents should ensure she feels comfortable excusing herself if she needs to, and ensure they don't overstay.
But, small steps are better than nothing.
Find a compromise that you are both comfortable with.

You could point out how hurt your wife will feel in 30/40 years or so when your kids have partners, and don't want her over as she's a bit doddery, set in her ways and they have nothing in common with her.