Having my parents round - AIBU

[StonedRoses]

So my DW is not the biggest fan of my parents! She finds them a bit tedious and boring! They are a bit doddery these days and rather set in their routines. But I’m quite fond of them in their annoying way. Yesterday I had an email from my father saying that as the rules were being relaxed from 4th July could they come over and see us for a day. My mother hasn’t really been out since lockdown and wants a change of scenery and misses her grandchildren.
I asked my DW and she said no. Too much hassle, she finds them irritating and boring and she doesn’t want them here. She pointed out that I saw them last month anyway - for 30min in their garden. I’m quite hurt by this. I’d like to see them properly and it seems wrong that I have to get permission to invite my parents to our house. We could try and meet up elsewhere but it’ll be much easier for them to come here.
AIBU to be upset at this?

She is putting her need for control ahead of your happiness and freedom and your children's requirement for a good relationship with their GPs. This may be part of her mental illness but it really isn't good for anyone. You need to model normality for the DC and your needs in life are as important as your DW's.

Sounds like she's already partway down the path to coercive control in my view. Classic signal - managing situations so that you get less time with people who are important to you. Isolating you from your own networks. Alarm bells should be ringing.

At a minimum, you should insist on seeing your family outside the home, for your own wellbeing. But I'd be pushing back and putting it on her to manage her emotions in a way which has less of a negative impact on others.

I don't think your parents being boring is a good enough reason not to have them over really. You could quite easily plan something fun to do at home on the day. Even if your parents are elderly they can still watch the activity/game or whatever.

How many threads are you going to do before you realise what an abusive manipulate indinvidual you're wife is, shes determined to completely cut you off from everyone and this is not normal behaviour.

Sorry but she can't use her MH as a (poor) ezcuse to stop your parents visiting and for her to always get her own way

She can't have it all her own way. Either she behaves like a grown up and puts up with a visit or if she's incapable of that she takes herself off our out with a friend.

Excuse my language but what the fuck. Tell her to go out for the day while they come round. How rude of her

Bet she can have friends family etc round and she's fine with that...honestly see your parents!

Your wife is being totally unreasonable in my opinion, I like my in-laws but they are quite domineering and at times interfering! However, I do love them, they are my husbands parents and because they live a long way away, they visit and stay once a month! I’d rather it wasn’t quite so frequent but I’m hospitable and welcoming when they come. I do draw the line at them visiting every school holiday as well and coming on every holiday we book

If this was a woman saying her DH wouldn't let her have her parents round, she would be told to leave him etc as he is a control freak. Cuts boths ways - she needs to just suck it up and be nice. If she can't then remember it next time she wants someone round.

You’re making excuses for her, either you’re happy to cave in and go along with this or you challenger her thinking on this.
In my view even with anxiety, it’s very very unreasonable to not allow your parents a visit, what about their mental health?
If she’s that bad she can stay upstairs, and you do all the catering etc so it’s literally no impact on her.

@Iwalkinmyclothing

As she’s explained being in control is really important for her health - she gets anxious if she feels out of control.

The solution needed here is not for her to have all control, it is to learn to manage times when she cannot control everything about a situation.

Absolutely. She can't simply compromise other people's happiness like this.

Your poor parents. They have been in lockdown and would like to visit their son and his family and it looks like they will be told no. You need to give your head a wobble. Supporting your wife with her mental health is one thing but she doesn’t get to stop you having your parents over. Being in control of her Environment is knowing the times for the visit, having time to plan before hand what you will eat, what you might talk about and what to do if she feels overwhelmed - pop for a bath, say she has a headache. What your wife is doing is controlling you. It’s not right. Your post reads as though she doesn’t want them over as they a bit boring. Why would you even contemplate falling out with them to appease your wife. Jesus that’s horrible.

Your wife sounds like quite a bitch. No backstory and she’s like this. Not nice.

That’s horrible. I’ll be heartbroken if my children push me to one side like this, through no fault of their own. You need to have a firm conversation with your wife and put some boundaries in place where it concerns your family. Like heck would I just meekly accept it if my parents are pushed out like that!

Thanks everyone. I do know her behaviour can be a bit odd and a bit controlling. But that’s what works for her mental health and generally of course that’s what I want. I started this thread to see if this was a step too far. And to wonder how I balance the wishes of my DW and parents. Because it seems someone’s going to be pissed off or upset whatever I do.
I found Mumsnet when googling for support and advice about her health and our marriage and there’s some good advice here. I’ve realised that what she does is nothing compared to how controlling or abusive some of my fellow men are. I don’t think she’s bad or a bitch. I think she’s a good person with issues who struggles with life sometimes

We could easily go to their house. But I think my mother is fed up of their four walls and fancies a drive and trip out!!

Your DW is not the boss of you and it's nice you are asking her what she thinks but ultimately it's your decision they are your parents. How would she feel if you didn't want her parents over just based on the fact that they are "boring"

By letting your wife control everything around her you're actually making the problem worse. No one person can control everyone and everything in their lives. She needs to learn that FAST. You're taking the easy way out by saying 'we can't do x because of her anxiety'. It'll never get better then will it? She needs to face her fears head on otherwise you're making a rod for your own back.

As someone who's suffered her whole life with anxiety, not wanting your parents round because she doesn't like them isn't anxiety, it's your wife being a bitch.

I do know her behaviour can be a bit odd and a bit controlling. But that’s what works for her mental health and generally of course that’s what I want.

@stonedroses you couldn't be more wrong. She's selfish and not getting her own way pisses her off. A bit like a child

It january you posted 2 separate threads saying how desperate you were to leave her. Her behaviour is not appropriate.

You are still in a controlling and abusive relationship though OP where she is isolating you and making you dance to her tune

Your parents sounds like decent people and in my opinion they have some rights. They have been patient like many others for months. It's not easy to ask to visit for the day, it's so sad that they'll be told no. You'll regret this one day, OP.

@allssortsofawkward and in 2018 saying she'd called him a cunt and threw him out of the house. If this were a man treating a woman this way people would be screaming abuse. Just leave please

Things have been much worse in the past and there have been many times when I wish I could leave - things would be much better for ME. But for so, so many reasons, not least her health, that’s not possible. Generally we’ve found a way to muddle through and things are much better than in the past. I don’t want this situation to blow up into another argument - but I don’t want to upset my parents. I’d actually quite like to see them.

So you forsake your happiness for hers?

Sorry to be blunt but your parents won't be here forever. If she truly cared about you she would suck it up and play the part for the day, like millions of spouses do all over the world.

She's selfish and you suffer for it.

Please stop saying it's for her health, it's an insult to those of us that suffer with our mental health and don't abuse everyone around us