Having my parents round - AIBU

[StonedRoses]

So my DW is not the biggest fan of my parents! She finds them a bit tedious and boring! They are a bit doddery these days and rather set in their routines. But I’m quite fond of them in their annoying way. Yesterday I had an email from my father saying that as the rules were being relaxed from 4th July could they come over and see us for a day. My mother hasn’t really been out since lockdown and wants a change of scenery and misses her grandchildren.
I asked my DW and she said no. Too much hassle, she finds them irritating and boring and she doesn’t want them here. She pointed out that I saw them last month anyway - for 30min in their garden. I’m quite hurt by this. I’d like to see them properly and it seems wrong that I have to get permission to invite my parents to our house. We could try and meet up elsewhere but it’ll be much easier for them to come here.
AIBU to be upset at this?

Oh OP, I've been coming back to this thread throughout the day and I feel so sad for you :(

There is advice and support out there for people trapped in relationships like these who feel totally unable to escape; I don't know how far you've looked into those but if you haven't already- and even if you have done but not got any further yet- it is probably a good idea to seek some professional support. I've assumed you're a man so I'm sorry if you aren't- these people are good:
Men’s Advice Line
t 0808 801 0327; e [email protected]
Monday-Friday 10am-1pm and 2-5pm

@Gingerkittykat

I have severe anxiety too and a need to be in control. This planned visit is not going to be sprung on her, she will have plenty of notice to prepare herself mentally.

Your whole family life can't be dictated by her anxiety and control freakery. Isolating someone from people they love can be a form of abuse.

I agree. She will have plenty of time to mentally prepare and dictating who is allowed into your home is controlling behaviour.

You say I don’t want this situation to blow up into another argument
mensadviceline.org.uk
Have you changed the way you behave because you are frightened of your partner’s reaction?

Your wife sounds like a piece of work. I think you need to be a little more assertive. If your parents haven’t been horrible with her of course they should come for a visit. Part of being married to someone is putting up with their doddery annoying parents.

I've suffered periods of terrible anxiety and depression in my life and I've been through some very traumatic experiences. It has never made me selfish, controlling or lacking in empathy. If anything it's had the opposite effect. It's made me care about others more. Your wife's mental health problems are no excuse for her selfish and mean behaviour.

Of course you want to see your parents and vice versa. Unless they are nasty to her, which it seems not, your wife is being totally unreasonable and very selfish. She sounds awful to be honest. Is she like this in other ways?

I would leave my partner if they tried to tell me that I couldn't have my parents round just because they found them tedious. Your poor parents. Grow a spine OP and tell the selfish bitch you married that your mum and dad are coming round and she can piss off out if she doesn't like it.

I get that you feel like you need to facilitate her mental well-being. However, if my anxiety was so bad that it started to impact on my husband seeing his family, id make sure I sorted it out. Or just put up with feeling anxious for the day. In fact, my anxiety has been that bad. I’ve just gone along anyway and put up with feeling anxious. Because it’s important to my husband and children to have family in their lives. She needs to work on her tolerance to feeling anxious. Read a book in her room or whatever. It is absolutely not fair that she won’t let you see your parents. Especially if they’re old. Your post makes me worry that she is using her anxiety as a way to control you. It’s not fair on you or your son. And anxiety is absolutely not enough of an excuse to stop you seeing your parents.

Sometimes it helps to take the pressure off. Go and see your parents. Take D.C. with you. Tell them she's not too well at the moment. Take your parents and DC out for a picnic somewhere.

Alongside that, ask her when she'll be ready to invite them over, what does she need before she's able to do it.

I'm not saying that's how it should be, but it may be the easiest way to play it.

OP you need to decide what is best for you and your child. And also your parents who won't be around forever.

Your wife is a control freak - does she give one jot about your mental health? Doesn't sound like it.

Thanks everyone. I do know her behaviour can be a bit odd and a bit controlling. But that’s what works for her mental health and generally of course that’s what I want

Read that again and again. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you? (you know that if this were the other way round the wife would be being told to LTB repeatedly, right?)

But that’s what works for her mental health and generally of course that’s what I want.

Rather than dictating how life will be for everyone according to her, why doesn't she seek medical help for her issues? I would do this if I had problems that were affecting my family.

You only get one life. And life as they say is short. Why are you spending yours like this? This is how childhood is for your child. Why are you letting her blight your child's only childhood with these sort of behaviours? Is it in their best interests that she is allowed to continue behaving just as she wants because she'll bleat about her mental health to get her own way? It's damaging to all of you.

I would have ended this charade of a relationship ages ago, because not only would I not put up with Ms Dictator, hell would freeze over before I inflicted that sort of life on my child.

She needs to seek help, and not just state "Oh I need to be in control for the sake of my mental health". What about everyone else's mental health, do they count for nothing?

There is a lot in here about her and what she needs and how you are prepared to do it but what about your children don’t they need to see their grandparents
How fair is it on them to live by the rules that work for her mental health. You are choosing this but you are also choosing it for them and that is no way to live
Constantly having to make adjustments for the sake of a parents mental health is no way to live
At the moment you appear to be putting her first not them

Her controlling behaviour might work for her, but it doesn't work for you or your children as it is preventing the relationship between your parents and your children from continuing!

You shouldn't be "asking her permission" you need to say "my parents are coming round on x day from 11:30am - 4pm to see us. If you don't want to join us in the garden, that's fine."
End of conversation. You aren't expecting her to have anything to do with your parents but you are acting like an adult in the relationship. She can't just stamp her feet because she doesn't want to do something.

The other option is that you take the kids for a day out somewhere with your parents - is that an option? Beach, park, national trust place and then for a picnic.

They are your children too, and her mental health can not dictate the relationships they have with your parents for the sake of a quiet life

Her mental health issues do not give her the right to treat other people like shit.

See your parents. You'll regret it if you don't.

Is it possible that your parents visiting creates a load of extra work for her? In my experience, a lot of women often seem to end up cooking dinner, cleaning up etc when their in laws visit.
If not, it’s totally unreasonable to say no, in my home we mostly just let one another know if we are thinking of inviting our parents over or simply tell them when they’re coming. We don’t ask for permission.

Please don't forget that you have needs too. And cutting off your parents for being slightly annoying wont do your mental health much good. You need to assert yourself. Fair enough she finds them annoying. Fair enough she doesn't like company. But it is your house too. It would be unreasonable to invite someone round who made her feel unsafe or was abusive to her. But it's not unreasonable to have people round who have nothing in common with her. Suggest a compromise. She can go out if she wishes. She can claim a headache and hide away if she wishes or claim she has some urgent work to do, or whatever excuse she wants, or just be honest and say her mental health is not up to visitors so she will make herself scarce. But you can see them, she just doesnt need to interact with them. I think that's fair

I've read some of your other posts and this has been going on for two years. I understand why you feel like you have to protect her but you are so unhappy. This isn't healthy for you or your child and your wife doesn't seem to be doing anything to help herself.
You talked about leaving her many times before and I honestly think that in the long term you will all be much happier. It may be the push she needs to stop wallowing in self pity and get herself some proper help. All she is doing is making your lives hell.
You seem like a lovely man but there is only so much you can do and it feels like you have done everything you can. She's an adult and it's about time she behaved like one.
The smaller issue is that yes it's also not fair to keep your parents away from your child. Why should everyone else suffer because of her. It doesn't feel like she cares about you or your child as she wouldn't be projecting like this.
I genuinely wish you luck.

Things have been much worse in the past and there have been many times when I wish I could leave - things would be much better for ME. But for so, so many reasons, not least her health, that’s not possible.

It really is possible.

I have debilitating anxiety and I understand how she feels about having people in her house she doesn't like. I really do get it.

But you matter too, and your children matter even more because they have no choice but to be in this situation. You need to step up for them and get them away from her. They're going to grow up with no idea what a healthy relationship looks like, controlled by their mother's mental health issues. That isn't okay.

Take the GCs to see your parents

She needs to accept and own her issues and address them through therapy. To expect others to give in and do what she wants in order for her to feel in control is ridiculous.

^This. I have MH issues myself and find my MIL difficult to cope with when she comes to stay, for around 4-5 days. She talks non-stop at times and I disappear to our bedroom sometimes. But I am learning to appreciate her, and our DDs (11 and 9) love her. It works quite well when I let her be Grandma and do projects with them.

However, I would never refuse to have her come to stay (she lives a 3 hour drive away and travels by coach, so it needs to be a stay of a few days).

You need to speak up for yourself, OP. My DH would never let me refuse to have his mum to stay. MH issues are not an excuse for being controlling of those around you.

It is your house too not just gets therefore you get equal say in who you have over. Your attitude is too ready to be pleasing, have a backbone and stand up for your parents. So what if they like routine etc. you two might well be like that when you get older? I find it quite sad that they would have to email asking for permission to come to their childs home. I would ditch the wife before I let her treat my parents that way. I do not like my sil and the feeling is mutual we put up with each other for our children and husbands sake as they are a family of only two brothers. When they come around I take one for the team and be polite, gracious and welcoming because they are family and a personality clash is not a good enough excuse to upset my dh, children or them( to her credit she does the same). That is what committed partners do for each other.

I would have a serious conversation with her about how upset it makes you feel when she is cold to your parents. If she doesn't change I would ltb. Alternatively you could carry on letting her dictate your life, your choice.

You sound like an enabler. This may cause problems for your relationship with your son later. It seems your "lovely wife" is number 1 no matter what. It is not unusual for children to be more angry at enablers when they grow up than they are with the difficult partner. Your parents will be dissappointed in you because you are choosing an easy life over your relationship with them. They will still try be in your life and then they will die. Your son may or may not be so forgiving. You seem to think you are the innocent victim in all of this but you have choices, we all have choices. You are choosing to not allow your parents to visit because you dont want to deal with the fallout. That is your choice and you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that choice.

You’re showing yourself to be controlled and nothing will change until you do

You think you are helping her but you are actually making her worse. You're enabling her behaviour which takes away her chance of tackling her issues. I wonder if you enjoy being a martyr as it gives you a chance to feel needed. Bit like the feeders who enable their partners to become morbidly obese and house bound. They are part of the problem as much as the eating.

You need to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions.

What is up with all those OPs who abandon their threads?

It's so annoying.

Sorry. I’ve spent 12hr in PPE in this heat operating today and just home. Bit knackered really