Having my parents round - AIBU

[StonedRoses]

So my DW is not the biggest fan of my parents! She finds them a bit tedious and boring! They are a bit doddery these days and rather set in their routines. But I’m quite fond of them in their annoying way. Yesterday I had an email from my father saying that as the rules were being relaxed from 4th July could they come over and see us for a day. My mother hasn’t really been out since lockdown and wants a change of scenery and misses her grandchildren.
I asked my DW and she said no. Too much hassle, she finds them irritating and boring and she doesn’t want them here. She pointed out that I saw them last month anyway - for 30min in their garden. I’m quite hurt by this. I’d like to see them properly and it seems wrong that I have to get permission to invite my parents to our house. We could try and meet up elsewhere but it’ll be much easier for them to come here.
AIBU to be upset at this?

So what are you actually going to do?

🥺

Her controlling and making the decisions is good for her mental health?

I should try that trick at home.

She's using you as a wee gimp boy that will do what he's told.

Tell her you're willing to compromise. Your parents will be visiting but you'll take care of the cooking and cleaning before hand and after. She literally just needs to be present. Either that or offer her to go have a lye down and tell your parents she isn't feeling great.

I feel sorry for youre child in this mess what a toxic situation for them.

Just go visit your parents or meet them for a walk/picnic or something.

Rules may of relaxed but I don’t want others in my home either tbh. At least outside or their garden isn’t my home possibly being infected. I’d have to scrub every room
They went in and have all the windows open and I wouldn’t normally say I’m an anxious person either. Even pre Covid I preferred to meet people not in my home though I just don’t like having to entertain guests at all.

I'll ask the same as I have on threads where the husband has anxiety and demands the in-laws don't visit:

What is your wife doing to work on her issues?

I'd love my in laws to be interered in us and our children but they never has been. She is very lucky even if they're doddery! She could do it for you and your children even if she doesnt want to! X

God what's wrong with being "doddery"? They sound like nice parents who want to see you. She'd be complaining if they were loud, foul mouthed navvies doing bongs on your coffee table and selling your kids bikes.

"As she’s explained being in control is really important for her health - she gets anxious if she feels out of control"

Well you explain that seeing your family and having the autonomy to make some decisions alone is vital for your health. She can go out if she doesn't like it.

I understand she doesn’t want them at your home but I think she’s being unreasonable, you’ve barely seen them and it’s your home too. Is there a way to compromise? Could them visit without your wife being present? Or could she be there and then excuse herself into the house?

She sounds controlling and like shes using her mental health issues as an excuse to control you and get her own way. Things are likely better recently as due to lockdown shes not needed to try control you as much as you likely have been together alot more naturally. Its shocking your parents cant come visit.

I think your and particularly your parents’ needs trumps hers just now.
Asking for permission in this scenario is very odd and unreasonable to ask of you.
She could feign illness and stay in her room?
That all said I couldn’t cope with an “all day” visit from in-laws. “For the afternoon” including either lunch or dinner is reasonable IMO.

She needs to accept and own her issues and address them through therapy. To expect others to give in and do what she wants in order for her to feel in control is ridiculous

Totally agree with this. Your poor parents.

Sorry but you need to stand up, stop being such a pushover and start telling your wife to get to fuck with all this nonsense! Of course she likes making decisions and being in control, that way she has you exactly where she wants you...right under her nasty controlling thumb.
Your poor parents...you say you want to see them, then for gods sake, see them! Are you frightened of what your wife will do? I really think you should be making plans to leave her...you only get one life anx she is making yours hellish.

Anxiety and mental health issues are not an excuse for controlling and manipulative behaviour. You are not helping her by giving in to these unreasonable demands. You must draw your own line in the sand. Allowing this behaviour to go unchallenged will eventually impact on your son as she tries to control his environment and relationships too, this is already starting with her attitude to your parents. I understand very well how your wife feels, but believe me in the long run you really are notnot helping. You need to get professional help, counselling and CBT to help her find a better, more effective way of dealing with her emotions than controlling those around her.

Your wife sounds very unkind. I'd want to leave my husband if he banned my parents from the house for no other reason than "they're boring". Why don't you prepare the food (or get a take away) so it's no "hassle" for her and she can decide if she hangs around or goes out with a friend or something. I find it very sad to think of your parents not allowed to see you all because your wife finds them boring. They're old and doddery (in your words) and haven't seen anyone for months. Does your wife have no heart?! Why are you married to her?

I don’t want to upset my parents. I’d actually quite like to see them.

Then fucking see them. They're your parents for fuck sake. They're probably incredibly lonely at the mo and very much desperate to see you the the grandkids. Stop letting your wife dictate what you can and cannot do, because it's not you you that it affects - it's your children and parents also.

Man up and go see your parents. They need you.

Surely the compromise is you and your parents meet without your wife outside of the house. Maybe book a meal somewhere for after the 4th or a beach trip for the day and get fish and trips.

Personally much nicer trips than to just sit in another persons house.

I also fail to see where she’s stopping them meeting she just doesn’t want them around at their house for the day.

Your poor parents.

They won’t be here forever OP, harsh as that sounds, and one day you might really regret not making a stand to get to see them. Presumably they were good parents to you growing up and are loving grandparents to your dc? I think it’s abhorrent frankly that you’d allow them to be pushed out of your lives because your wife has to be in control.

Nobody’s health depends on being able to control what other people do and the relationships they get to have. If your wife needs to feel in control then give her the choice of this weekend or that weekend, or whether they come for lunch or dinner. Or say ‘I want to see my parents on this weekend, I know you find them difficult therefore would you prefer a) for them to come here and see us all, b) they come here but you go out for the day and I’ll make your excuses or c) myself and the DC will meet them at X beauty spot for a picnic/ Y pub’s reopened beer garden for lunch followed by a walk. She has control over what option she picks, you still get to see your parents and they don’t feel like their son and grandchildren don’t care and don’t want to see them.

It’s good that you’re trying to be a good husband. But this is a time where you need to be a good son, and a good father - modelling the importance of keeping up wider family relationships and not just letting yourself be dictated to.

Think how you’d feel if your DC end up marrying partners who think you’re a bit of a pain in the arse too, and so they decide it’s ok much hassle to bother seeing you anymore. I really think it’s a shocking attitude and I feel deeply sorry for your parents.

&But that’s what works for her mental health and generally of course that’s what I want*

Ofcourse its good for her mental health. She uses it as an excuse and you enable her appaling behaviour by letting her walk all over you. Ffs stand up for yourself.

Look at the poll results- 99% agree you should get to see your parents at your home does that not tell you anything. Poll results like that are very rare

your wife is using MH to control your entire relationship. It will end badly unless you are prepared to be controlled for the rest of your life or she changes her ways.

Your parents mental health matters too. So does your kids'. And so does yours.
She's controlling all of you, and no she doesn't always take priority over your parents. If your parents are decent people, what they want shouldn't just be over-ridden.

You are basically telling you parents (and more importantly, your children) that they don't count in your life.

Wtf! Get your parents round double quick and if she makes a storm about it consider leaving her.

But that’s what works for her mental health
Well it certainly works for her doesn't it!?
You tiptoe around her, treading on eggshells.
She gets her own way! Great for her.. YES. But not good for you OP.
Your mental will start to suffer if you don't do something about this.
They are your parents - it is your house.

Please don't allow this to continue.
This is no life OP.
She is setting an awful example to your DC and you are enabling it.
Strap on a pair and invite your parents round.
They need a break from their four walls.
Stop being a doormat!
Time to live YOUR best life OP!!!
THIS is not it!

You are not helping her get better. You are facilitating her. When the time comes that you need to put your foot down, the fall out will be atrocious because you have allowed this behaviour to go on for too long.
Get your dw professional help for her mental health, do not ruin your relationships with your parents over this.

WOW, you have married a right evil witch. Tell her they are coming round and stand up for yourself, sorry but you sound a right pushover !