Having my parents round - AIBU

[StonedRoses]

So my DW is not the biggest fan of my parents! She finds them a bit tedious and boring! They are a bit doddery these days and rather set in their routines. But I’m quite fond of them in their annoying way. Yesterday I had an email from my father saying that as the rules were being relaxed from 4th July could they come over and see us for a day. My mother hasn’t really been out since lockdown and wants a change of scenery and misses her grandchildren.
I asked my DW and she said no. Too much hassle, she finds them irritating and boring and she doesn’t want them here. She pointed out that I saw them last month anyway - for 30min in their garden. I’m quite hurt by this. I’d like to see them properly and it seems wrong that I have to get permission to invite my parents to our house. We could try and meet up elsewhere but it’ll be much easier for them to come here.
AIBU to be upset at this?

@StonedRoses

Sorry. I’ve spent 12hr in PPE in this heat operating today and just home. Bit knackered really

I think it's important that you've said this. I don't mean to jump on you after an obviously difficult day but she can't hate being alone and also put up with you doing 12 hour shifts.

I've also dealt with extreme mental health issues, anxiety and depression and although it's taken a toll on my personal relationship with my partner at times I've never let it become an issue for his relationships with other people, especially his family. If I'm anxious about a visit for example, I go through my own coping mechanisms and suck it up or if it's really bad I don't go, but I don't force him to stay behind either!

I realise that you love your wife, and I would imagine a lot of the reasoning behind not leaving is to do with DS and your concerns over her mental health which is all understandable. But there HAS to be boundaries and compromises, she has to get help and I would assume as someone working in the field you do, you'd have a better idea than most of how to get her that help. She needs to meet you half way here.

However for your current problem, she knows it's happening, it doesn't need to be for any longer than a few hours and she can stay inside if she wants but it's your house too so let your parents visit and deal with the fallout with her later on.

She's got you exactly where she wants you! I'm wondering if this is a wind up as you don't come across as being bothered.

If it's true then I think you're being a to total wimp - man up and invite your parents around. Bin off the bitch

Not a wind up. I wish it was.
And I am bothered. Deeply. It’s tearing me apart. I am conflicted between what’s best for my son, my parents, my wife (because I do care for her and I believe she’s ill) and finally myself. I really worry about her health and what impact my actions could have on that. I’m trying my best to keep my son out of this and keep things as normal for him as possible (whatever normal is at the moment!). I feel this is better done with me in the house then leaving.
I suspect lots of here people know that ltb or just stand up to then isn’t as straightforward as it sounds
I am doing a lot of soul searching and thinking - and the advice on here has been very helpful. I’m sorry if I don’t reply to each post or if I come across as uncaring. Sometimes there isn’t much more to say.

Can I just say I’m in a similar situation. My DA stops my DGP from visiting their other grand kids and it’s heart breaking for them.
Please for the sake of your parents, (and yours!) give them a chance. Even if it’s just for a hour while your wife keeps herself amused.

@StonedRoses apologies I posted on the wrong thread . I don’t think you abandoned your thread!

Wishing you all the best, OP. Keep talking.

You need to ask permission? Bloody hell.

Sorry but, operating what in what heat?

your wife is controlling, and as others have said, it's ridiculous to pander to her ALL of the time.

If you don't want to 'upset' her, can you afford to stay in a hotel midway between your home (btw, I thought it was telling that you referred to your wifes' house rather than her/your home), or a weekend in a self catering cottage?
Parents could come to the hotel for lunch and spend the afternoon there, or stay at the cottage, giving them a day/weekend out, you get to spend quality time with them without being on tenterhooks the whole time about your wife's' behaviour/MH.

Lweji, I think the OP is a doctor. PPE is Personal Protective Equipment, and I think operating is probably operating.

OP, what is she doing to address her mental health, besides trying to control everything?

Lweji, I think the OP is a doctor. PPE is Personal Protective Equipment, and I think operating is probably operating.

I got the same impression, but operating rooms are kept cool to avoid bacterial and fungal growth. The current heat is irrelevant to surgery.

OP is this just aimed at your parents or would she b the safe with all visitors? Does she she her own parents?

Same not safe

OP, if you really are deeply concerned about your DW, and want her to get better, then acquiescing with all her wishes so you enable her avoidance of her anxiety triggers is doing her no favours at all.

Avoidance maintains anxiety issues.

She will only be able to recover if she is able to break this cycle. You pandering to her demands only keeps her ill. You are not actually helping, though she may think you are.

Of course, she may well need professional help to do this, and stopping the avoidance needs to be done gradually. Is she seeing somebody to get proper help with her anxiety?

She may be resistant fo doing this if there are secondary gains to her anxiety (which may be unconscious), and if so this will need to be carefully addressed by a therapist.

Your poor parents and I remember your other threads, it sounds really tough for you. I’m sorry, you don’t seem ready to leave her but you know you have to. It’s not good for your child to live in an abusive home and you deserve happiness too

MH issues are never an excuse for abusive behaviour. I have PTSD and anxiety, but that doesn't entitle me to behave in a way that's damaging to others, especially people I claim to love. It's your DW's responsibility to get help for her anxiety and, if she won't, then if you continue to tolerate her controlling behaviour, you are in fact enabling her.

If you allow your DC to grow up in a toxic environment, then there's a good chance they'll be on the Stately Homes thread when they're grown up, and you're likely to find that they blame you as much as their mum.

I detest mil for various reasons but I put up with her as it’s my husbands family. I have had I’ll health and infertility issues. It goes like this DH will say ‘I’m bring mum over on sunday!’ I grown inwardly and say ‘ok what time? I’ms she staying for dinner? You better hoover!’

She needs to learn that, even though she has anxiety, the world does not revolve around her and that you and your DC need to be happy too. You're not doing her any favours by pandering to this. And you're depriving your DC from a loving relationship with their grandparents. Your parents brought you into this world and raised you. Why would you allow her to treat them like this?

And presumably she isn't infertile if you already have DC? Or are they not hers?

@NovemberRain2

I'm infertile and still have 2 DDs. Because they're adopted. I hope that's not the case, though, because it would mean very poor judgement on the part of the social workers who interviewed them.

Oh yes, I didn't consider adoption. My fault. But if the child is her biological child, then my point still stands .

You really sound like you're living your life treading on eggshells around her trying to keep her calm. It's just not sustainable. It's not good for her or you and your child. It's very unhealthy. I now remember your previous posts and how I felt you and your child were in danger. I think you are scared to leave her because of what she might do. I wish you could get out of this toxic situation.

Secondary infertility. Very common

November secondary infertility (where one child has been conceived but siblings are not forthcoming) is more common than primary infertility, and can be just as painful for the sufferers. It could also be that infertility has affected the OP and his wife, and they conceived the first child after a long struggle and treatment. This can cause or exacerbate MH issues even if a child does eventually arrive. Not that this excuses her behaviour, mind you.

No it doesn't excuse her behaviour at all. I had to stop at one child for lots of reasons. I am so sad not to have another but also very grateful for the one I have. I know this doesn't sound very empathetic but she risks losing everything if she cannot embrace the family she has. And she is making your life unhappy.

Has she had any counselling?

If your wife hit you would you say it was ok because she has mental health issues? No.
Controlling, manipulative behaviour are equally forms of abuse and MH issues/anxiety do not make that ok.

You need to formulate a way to help your wife through the times when she is struggling to cope but she cannot have her own way all the time. Have you looked in to CBT therapy?

I speak as a daughter whose parents are exactly like you and your wife. My mother has treated my father like a doormat for 40 years. She always has to have her own way, everything has to be on her terms or she throws her toys out the pram.

Yes she suffers with anxiety and depression but she is also an incredibly selfish person & is always the victim in any situation.

By enabling her to carry on this behaviour you are letting her think it’s ok. Please deal with this before it starts to impact on your child. I know it has for myself & my siblings and it’s not nice.

Take care

I really sympathise. Looking from the outside I would say that you are a family of three and each of you needs to have their requirements acknowledged. If your wife is behaving like this in order to control her world with the aim of reducing anxiety she won't succeed. She needs to take control of her feelings rather than the world around her. You are not helping her by giving her the power to make these decisions and meanwhile you and your DC are missing normal family relations and the pleasure and satisfaction that comes through them. This might be your choice for yourself but it is not in your child's best interests ( or your's obviously). Try to help your wife to see things through your eyes or your DC's experience. Saying she has nothing in common with your parents is an excuse she is giving ; her husband and child are presumably the most important things in her life and she has love for them in common. None of us have much in common with our ils until we put effort into getting to know them.
None of you are benefiting from appeasing your wife so don't do it. Clearly you can't make her hang around to see them but in your situation I would be very hurt if my OH couldn't be considerate of my feelings or those of our child and my parents for a few hours every now and again. Even if this is driven by anxiety it is still selfish.