Having my parents round - AIBU

[StonedRoses]

So my DW is not the biggest fan of my parents! She finds them a bit tedious and boring! They are a bit doddery these days and rather set in their routines. But I’m quite fond of them in their annoying way. Yesterday I had an email from my father saying that as the rules were being relaxed from 4th July could they come over and see us for a day. My mother hasn’t really been out since lockdown and wants a change of scenery and misses her grandchildren.
I asked my DW and she said no. Too much hassle, she finds them irritating and boring and she doesn’t want them here. She pointed out that I saw them last month anyway - for 30min in their garden. I’m quite hurt by this. I’d like to see them properly and it seems wrong that I have to get permission to invite my parents to our house. We could try and meet up elsewhere but it’ll be much easier for them to come here.
AIBU to be upset at this?

I’m sorry to hear your DW is suffering with anxiety, and infertility can be devastating. I’m sure she really is suffering. I’m sympathetic because I have suffered with both myself.

It’s common for anxious people to attempt to control their anxiety by controlling their environment and those around them. But this is a problem in itself, not a solution. And it just serves to perpetuate the MH issue, when actually a different solution is needed. What is she doing to resolve her MH problems? And does she realise it’s unreasonable of her to stop you seeing your parents?

Let's hope you're ds doesnt take the same attitude with you. Her infertility and I'll health gaves her no right to treat people the way she does it's very telling she doesnt speak to her parents either. Are you scared she will cut you out of your sons live?

You can support and help your wife with her health issues . You really should manage this in a way that let's your parents see the children though, to do otherwise would be really unkind.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen 100% of votes for YANBU before. That must tell you something op?

Why did you post? Did you just want to vent or are you going to try and sort this out properly?

Would she even let you go to your parents house with the children and leave her behind? I'm guessing not if she doesn't like to be alone.

Are you seriously saying your ok with her controlling what you can and cannot do in your life? As if your a child?

Are you seriously saying your ok with her destroying your relationship with your parents? If it means it keeps her happy?

When your children get older (teens, young adult) she'll likely try to control their lives too. Is that what you want? Because that's what your allowing to happen.

Your user name rang a bell for me so I did a search and it brought back why I remembered who you are.

OH OP this is not a good situation for anyone and allowing her this control and scope to say isnt doing you or your children any good. I had hoped from before you would find the strength to leave or at least not allow yourself to be lost in all of this.

Your parents should come round, your children should see them - they cannot and shouldnt live in this kind of environment

'As she’s explained being in control is really important for her health - she gets anxious if she feels out of control.'
She needs to accept and own her issues and address them through therapy. To expect others to give in and do what she wants in order for her to feel in control is ridiculous.

It is damaging you and damaging for your DS. What message will your son receive from his mother who won't let dad go out by himself, doesn't want to be left alone, won't let his grandparents visit?

Will he copy her behaviour and become controlling? Will he copy his dad's behaviour and be a doormat? Either way, this poor little kid is in for a crap life.

What if that son marries someone just like your wife and his wife doesn't allow you to visit? What would you think then?

How do you conduct yourself at work? As a hospital doctor, do you let other doctors or nurses dictate to you? Would you if they had MH health issues that meant they would feel anxious if they felt out of control due to you being the decision-maker? Would you let them then? Ridiculous isn't it? Can you not see how wrong you are in giving in to your wife (on everything)?

Your wife sounds like a complete controlling horror. Do tell her I said so.

If it’s a choice of falling out with parents or DW obviously I’ll go for parents!

Your poor parents

Personally, I'd like my own way all the time as well. I think I'll steal her line and tell my husband that being in control is really important for my mental health....
I can see you're in a difficult position, but really? You'd rather fall out with your parents than with this controlling manipulative woman? When they haven't done anything wrong?
One day you won't have parents. I hope that when that happens you don't have to realise , too late, that you caused great hurt to them, because you were being controlled by a selfish woman. I hope you come to your senses soon, and leave.

You cannot live your life being a slave to her mental health problems.

It's also not fair on your parents, and if they are old then you may soon regret treating them badly.

Your wife is being very unreasonable and you should invite your parents round.

As she’s explained being in control is really important for her health - she gets anxious if she feels out of control

Blimey. So being in control means she gets absolutely everything her own way? And you can't even invite your parents to your house without her kicking off?

Have you ever thought what a life without her would be like?

Thats horrible she shouldn't stop you seeing your parents its not up to her. This is worrying controlling behaviour

Ah I see so she's manipulative and callous. That's fine then OP throw your parents under the bus and make sure you're not surprised when your kids do the same to you.

She’s really got you where she wants you. You need to take back some control. My husband once said that he knew from the off that if he ever did anything that would affect my relationship with my elderly parents he’d be shown the door. It was non negotiable. Time to put your foot down, mate.

I have severe anxiety too and a need to be in control. This planned visit is not going to be sprung on her, she will have plenty of notice to prepare herself mentally.

Your whole family life can't be dictated by her anxiety and control freakery. Isolating someone from people they love can be a form of abuse.

Why did you post when you’re clearly just going along with not being able to see your parents?

These are the worst sort of threads.

People telling you your wife is a bitch might make you feel better in the short term but choosing to be a martyr is daft.

As she’s explained being in control is really important for her health - she gets anxious if she feels out of control. So making the decisions and being comfortable with them is key for her. And being by herself is not something she enjoys.

One of you has to compromise sometimes and it doesn't always have to be you. Frankly if this was my other half the words shit, that and fuck would be appearing. Followed by: they're coming.

You could be my son writing this, right down to the control aspects. It hurts so much to see my son living like this and I expect your parents feel the same. They'll see more than you realise. Add in the upset of them being excluded from your life as much as they are, restricted time with their grandchildren and all so she gets her own way.

She needs to ask for specific help with her control issues. It isn't fair on the rest of your family.

I feel for you and your parents.

I'm the 1 vote for YABU - you are being unreasonable in pandering to her all the time. She needs to learn to compromise.

Who owns the house you live in? joint? hers? yours?

can she arrange to go for a walk with a friend or something while they are here?

if your parents are getting on in age I'd want to make sure I saw them.

I’m sorry but you don’t need permission for your own parents to come and visit. Your wife is being completely unreasonable and you don’t need her to agree it’s none of her business. If my dh had a problem with my parents coming over I’d be fuming and he’d be told in no uncertain terms that he’s being a dick!

As she’s explained being in control is really important for her health - she gets anxious if she feels out of control.

The solution needed here is not for her to have all control, it is to learn to manage times when she cannot control everything about a situation.

Infertility and mental health is not a reason to cut you off form your family.. she doesn't need to have control over your life and cut you off from your family no matter what she's going through. Her mental health and infertility will effect you also so there has to be compromise! As an adult recovering from those things she's needs to learn to control them without needing everyone else making sacrifices and pandering to her. Yes she needs support.. but she doesn't need to have everything her own way!!
And I say this as someone who has suffered infertility and anxiety..
have your parents over.. she needs to develop some coping strategies to manage in those situations, whether she goes out for a long walk.. or takes herself upstairs to have some time out.. she doesn't have to sit with them from the minute they arrive to the minute they leave!

It honestly sounds like your making excuses for her. And she uses it to get her own way all the time. I'm sorry she's having a rough time, but anxiety etc is not an excuse to get everything your own way.

Your wife is being a controlling, manipulative bitch and using her mental health as an excuse for it. Do you really want to continue living like this? Do you want your children to grow up in this kind of environment?
She's playing you and you are allowing her to.