To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

Wow your getting quite the talk down on here OP!
If your explicitly said you wanted the clothes back then I don’t think YABU, but your issue should be with SIL 1 for giving them away not SIL2 who might not have been aware of your agreement.

YABU - massively and do sound a proper PITA

So you got baby clothes for a 1-2 year old even before yours was born.
Clearly you haven’t set expectations because you may fail once but with both of your SILs? That’s slightly suspicious.

Stop whinging (especially as you don’t have the backbone to call them out F2F!), and take it down as lessons learned. No more ‘loaning’ of baby clothes 🤔

Sounds like you don’t really want to hear these opinions as you keep commenting back to defend that YANBU. If you’re going to stick with your position then don’t engage debate.

Take it as a life lesson - to expect baby clothes to be suitable for a third hand was ambitious at best and stupid at worst, no matter what you thought you clarified with her. Taking the cardi from a little girl is madness and does more damage. We live and learn - not worth the stress or family upset, these kids are cousins remember XX

But a secondhand bundle for almost no money. Ask for whatever bits your SILs have to hand to be given back.

You shouldn't have lent them if you wanted them back, baby clothes get destroyed in the normal course of baby squickiness.

As for all the drama over a baby cardigan - find something else to worry about!

OP if you anywhere near London I have a load of baby clothes you can have. More seriously you and your OH will have neighbours, friends of friends and work colleagues who will have baby and toddler clothes they would be happy to give to you to get rid.

What’s with all this loaning of baby clothes? You either give them away or store them in your own attic until you need them again. All this lending them out sounds like a way of getting someone else to store them until you possibly want to use them again. ‘I wanted them to enjoy some of the nice blouses and dresses’, you’re talking about newborn baby clothes, there is no enjoyment to be had, they are just clothes. Your reaction at the weekend was awful. If I was your sils I would be bagging up every single thing that could possibly be yours, dumping it on your doorstep and ignoring from then on. Have fun at any future family gatherings.

If someone gave me baby clothes and said it's a loan id have said no thanks. That's a bit odd tbf 🤨and complicated to try n remember who gave what

It would be nice to have a bundle of clothes passed back if you were pregnant before sil2. However if sil2 was pregnant first I'm guessing all clothes were just passed her way.

I agree that hand me down baby clothes aren’t a loan unless this is explicitly specified at the start by saying very clearly ‘ have these for now but keep them safe for my next baby.’ In the normal scheme of things, this doesn’t happen, hand me downs just enter the child’s wardrobe. Later they may or may not get passed on again depending on their condition. In that way you might eventually get some of them back but not if they’ve been irreparably sick or poo stained.

If someone had given me second hand baby clothes and been clear they wanted them returned I wouldn’t have used them. The pressure of trying to remember whose clothes they were originally and trying to keep them pristine wouldn’t have been worth it. They would have stayed In the original bag and returned with thanks a few years later.

As people have said, you shouldn’t have given things you didn’t want to lose. After I had first DC I kept everything as I knew I planned on having another one in a couple of years and couldn’t afford another lot. When it became clear that DC2 was the last child I started passing things on but even then I kept a few cherished pieces (leopard print onesie, beautiful smocked dress etc ) - just in case. My youngest is 25 this year and those items are still in a sealed bag at the top of the wardrobe! Perhaps one day I will hand them on to a grandchild.

.

Until I came to mumsnet I had never heard of ‘loaning’ baby clothes.

It’s bloody ridiculous.

You sound like a pain in the arse.

My sister does what you do - I pass her clothes for her son - she uses and lends to a friend who uses and then hands back to my sister for her second son. They accept some clothes will be ruined. But overall they are happy with the arrangement. Just ring your sister n law and say I saw DD’s cardigan on my niece - we had an arrangement that they would come back to me. I think clothes get mixed up and people forget where they came from etc. If I want something back I label it so it can’t be forgotten.

@Southwell1 I was only explaining myself, as in yes it was clear it was a loan and so on. I do think I won't be loaning any clothes, not one single item to anyone ever again. I can see NOW its not a good idea. However, my SILs will be very upset about it. They just expected I would be so kind to lend them stuff, which would have saved them money.

Sorry OP, I agree with most other posters here. You’re being really silly.

Don’t get me wrong, if it was totally explicit that you expected the clothes back then I might be slightly perplexed not to receive them but I don’t know why you would ask for them back anyway. As others have said, they are baby clothes, there are loads of them and they get wrecked. To pass them back and forward is just silly.

Your whole post is a bit OTT, talking of your sister in law lying and this incident ruining your relationship...over some baby clothes?! And you said you needed a cardigan that your baby niece was wearing?! Really??

If you’re that keen on them, have a friendly chat with SIL and ask if she has any that are still in good condition for your Dd. If she doesn’t, let it go and don’t pass any more clothes down.

You demanded the clothes off your own niece’s back there and then?
Don’t give away what you want to keep, it might be lending but always be prepared not to get things back. Just buy new clothes and chalk it up to experience and don’t demand anymore clothes off your own nieces back next time, I find that really bizarre behaviour.

Sounds like you didn't like your sister in - laws anyway. Now you have your excuse with physical evidence to show how right you were about your suspicions.

Get over yourself. Unless you are destitute and you gave her Gucci baby grows - I think you need to move on!!!!!!

How come your newborn niece was wearing a cardigan of yours but you now state that you only gave her 6 months plus clothing?

I gave them to her when I was pregnant! She knew I needed them down the line I told her so!

You shouldn't have lent her the clothes when you knew you were going to need them back. Once your family is complete, no more babies, then you can pass things on.

If mumsnet has taught me anything, it’s never give away or accept baby clothes!

OP, you shouldn’t have given away anything you wanted to keep. But since you did, and apparently made it clear that it was not a gift, you can ask for them back. It’s not actually clear if you have done so yet. If you have and your SIL has refused, then she is being rude. But if you haven’t asked and just expected her to know you wanted them back now, you’re being totally unreasonable.

Don’t ask for the ones you don’t need back out of spite. That would be hugely petty, and it sounds like this situation is one of misunderstandings rather than deliberate bad behaviour from your SILs.

I'm confused because you said you only leant from 6 month onwards. But in your OP at the you were going on about asking for the 0-9M clothes back even though you don't need them.

Anyway. Lesson learnt. Don't lend baby clothes. I've still got my favourite baby outfits at home in a memory boy for my 7 and 13 year old boys. The rest I passed down to a friend not expecting back.

I have never heard of baby clothes being loaned.
I was just happy for someone else to make use of mine, regardless of whether I was having any more babies.

It all sounds very petty to be honest. It makes me think of little girls fighting over dolls clothes. Sorry, that's just how I see it.

Me and my SIL swapped our baby clothes and gave them back. I know lots of people that do it, I did it with a friend as well.
If you made it clear it was a loan I don't understand why you've not asked for them back now you need them again

I think you’re being a bit OTT, it sounds like your SILs just haven’t thought about it (especially as it doesn’t sound like you’ve asked for them back)

Is your baby the same age as your SILs who was wearing the cardigan? If not then it’s not a big deal you don’t need it now and it sounds like she was a bit taken aback by you asking for it and felt embarrassed that you were annoyed. Just say to both of them please can they return the clothes/lend any of their clothes when your DD needs them

While YANBU to be cross that they have passed them between themselves, rather than returning them to you, if that was the understanding you had with them, I think you have to let it go and just buy new stuff for your DD.

After all, the clothes won't be in the same condition they were when you lent them out, and they've been tainted now by this whole schemozzle.

But you've learnt not to lend them anything again - only ever let them have stuff if you don't care if you never see it again (because you won't).

Also gets you out of buying anything for the birth of the new baby...

Honestly I find your behaviour shocking. Asking for a cardigan back when a little baby was wearing it ? Do you always massively overreact because that is not a normal way to behave.

Hi everyone. It's pretty clear that I shouldn't be asking for any of the clothes back. It was my mistake to loan them out. It will break my heart to see my SIL's babies enjoy all the clothes and not me! But I have realised I don't want a relationship with them anyway. If they can't give them back out of their own kindness (and knowing that was our agreement 100%) then it means they don't value me much as a SIL anyway.
So I'm just going to let things be. They can do what they want. I won't be asking for the newborn clothes back either or a skirt and a suitcase that I have currently loaned them.
I give up trying to be nice and friendly to them.
Tbh I wasn't thrilled about loaning them out in the first place but they were very keen and obviously said they would return them. I don't think anything to do with the clothes has ruined our relationship, its their attitude towards me. I have returned every single thing they loaned to me without asking.
My husband lent SIL2 a massive suitcase when she was moving house. She kept it for 3 years and only gave it back when he asked her. I don't think you should have to pester people to return things. People who respect you will respect your stuff and return it.

Of course she took it off her there and then, you probably embarrassed her by being so rude and petty. How pathetic over a bloody cardigan.
It’s weird to loan baby clothes and especially weird to loan them when you’re already pregnant and know it won’t be long at all before you need them.
You’re being so over the top about all of this..