To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

6 months to 24 months

And you wanted them back?

My kids absolutely trashed their toddler clothes- mud, paint, food , rips, drool.

There's a lot of difference between a ladder or an adult dress and a load of baby clothes.

I wouldn't remember which ones were yours, they would probably be trashed by weaning etc.

The baby clothes thing always ends in tears. Always.
The simple answer is: dont lend them if you want them back. Firstly, wont they end up all stained anyway? why would you want used and stained clothing when these days you can buy new stuff relatively cheaply? Secondly, when you give them to someone else you really do lose control over what they do with them. Maybe they think they are passing on the good favour by lending them to someone else?

Bottom line is: dont lend anything you cannot afford to lose. This applies to everything, including money. It never ends well.

I’ve never heard of ‘loaning’ baby clothes. I certainly wouldn’t have remembered who had passed what on to me to have been able to give it back.
Did you make it clear in the first place that the items were just a loan, as clearly that’s not the norm.

YANBU if you specifically said I need these back once your first baby is finished with them. You do need to be clear though, as if not as pp have said people won't remember who's given them what, things like baby clothes get passed around a lot.

Actually the person I would have a very strong word with is SIL2. Yes you have issues with SIL1 but the problem isn't with her this time.

There is the issue of the difference between giving and a loan. It seems that some people don't think you can loan baby clothes. I personally think you can but you take the risk of seeing them come back damaged/not usuable.
If you SIL2 didn't think you can loan babay clothes, you just give them, she should have said so at the time. Not accept the clothes and agree to give them back to you 6 months later for your own child.

I don't think you will be able to get anything back from either of them. But I would review how helpful I want to be with them. I would also pull SIL1 on her lies each time. I am not usre why you didn't.

You wanted a cardigan back off a baby? You can't do that! You can message them and ask for your clothes back please but you can hardly take clothes that a baby is wearing. I would suggest sil2 isn't 'in on it' otherwise she wouldn't have put her baby in your clothes when she was seeing you.

@Tsubasa1 then why didn't you just say "sorry I'll need them for DD2, but these are the shops I got them from"??? Bloody mad.

Yea sorry I agree with this. Especially if you were already pregnant.
Just because you can keep track.. I couldn't tell you half of who has brought what for DS

People are being unnecessarily unkind to you, OP. You made it clear it was a loan and you'd need them back. I think it was wrong of your SIL to lend them out again without at least checking with you first.

But I do agree with PPs that lending baby clothes isn't the best idea. It's up to you, but in the interests of family harmony, I'd cut your losses and not make the same mistake again!

OP you can lend expensive items that aren’t economical to buy if they’re only needed for a specific purpose like a power tool or a ladder and be justified in fully expecting to get the item back, however baby clothes are a low value, high use, wear and tear item, it is not usual or practical to expect them to be returned, other items in this category would be drawing paper, food items (cup of sugar etc) loose change, paracetamol, tissues, paperback books.

If you’re this upset about not getting them back then you should never have lent them out.

I think YABU if when you gave away the clothes you didn't specify that you wanted them back. I think if you give something to someone else rather than lend it then you can't expect to get it back. If you knew you were planning to have more DC then you shouldn't have given the clothes away.

What are all these babies wearing? Spun gold? It's only clothing ffs!

I have NEVER understood the whole thing about people wanting baby clothes back!

They get sicked on and worn out really easily. Who would see them as something that lasts and lasts?

I wouldn't give them in the first place if I thought I'd need them back because I'd want them to stay in good condition. Either I still have use for them or I'm giving them away, I would never "lend" clothes and wouldn't expect them back.

Re not remembering.

Maybe I wasn't given that many things or maybe I didn't have that many clothes for my own dcs but I have always known where clothes came from. If they were a gift, if I bought them etc...

And yes they get damaged. That's something to accept. But surely not all of them get so damaged that they cant be resused. Otherwise, people would never have any baby clothes to hand over or loan.

I think you are getting a really hard time hear. Mainly because you agreed they were a loan.

Personally I didn’t accept any offers of loaned clothes because babies do stain them and I would have found it stressful to have to keep track.

However I do know lots of families or friendship groups who just keep passing clothes between them - so they might not get back what they gave but will get plenty of clothes. Could you do this? Just say “oh my babies this age now, can you pass me some clothes?”

I too don’t understand why you didn’t, when pregnant, say “would you give the baby clothes back now”? It sounds like you weren’t that bothered but then became pissed off when you saw sil2’s dd wearing something that used to belong to your dd (as you clearly don’t like her!)

I personally would never lend baby clothes and expect them back, unless we’re talking Armani kids or something here and it was an expensive, specific item on loan. You don’t give bundles of baby clothes and then get your knickers in a twist when they don’t come back - people forget about such things or items get ruined.

You sound a bit petty, sorry.

Lending something that has a high risk of being ruined by various poonamis, flying food, vomit and the like is really not the most sensible idea.

It seems like your real issue is that the SIL you don't like is now using the clothes and it sounds really petty TBH.

I understand loaning clothes is a really nice idea in theory but realistically it's likely some will get damaged so practically not the best idea.

Ask her for them back but I think you look rather petty.

@Tsubasa1, btw I think the issue for you here is that seeing your SIL1 dd wearing your own child clothes has tipped over regarding her bahviour.

You need to adress that rather than the specific issue with baby clothes that can easily be deflected towars SIL2

My sister has lent me all of her newborn - 6 months clothes as there are 11 months between our DC and no chance they will be in them at the same time. It's been explicitly clear from the start they are just a loan as these DC are both our first babies and DSis will need them again when she has her second because as she said it seems silly to waste to buy all the vests, plain baby grows etc that they grow out of within weeks.

This is no issue at all as I'm sure when I go on to have my second the clothes will come back around again.

Is this the kind of conversation you had with your SIL? If not explicit, it's like you've given them away for good. You should have addressed when you got pregnant again

@Tsubasa1, yes people loan each other things as you've described but baby clothes... It is different. Example, my friend had her baby 3 years ago. When I had my now 6 month old, she loaned me things like a bath, feeding pillow and a small bedside cot. We didn't use the cot as it was a bit worse for wear and we got a snuzpod. Now she's expecting again so I'm passing that stuff back and she's borrowing the snuzpod. If I get pregnant again or if my sil gets pregnant, the snuzpod can be passed back. Makes sense for us. But to keep track of baby clothes, who gave them, what is on loan, not to mention the stains, the endless washes etc... I don't get why people do it! Maybe a fancy outfit that's worn once or something, but not general, everyday clothes.

Goodness me. People please do realise baby clothes get messy and worn out from washes so some may not make it through being used a second time to be returned

Babies get given loads of clothes, new or second hand. It’s often very difficult to continually remember who gave what, who bought what and who gave what away or may or may not want back. It’s unrealistic. Don’t “give away” baby clothes if you want them back.

As for other, large items that are easily the identifiable and not easily mixed up with a load of other things such as ladders (as PP illustrated) a cot, pushchair - these you can LOAN and be assured of being returned.

Do note that there’s a difference between GIVE and LOAN. You need to say something is a loan - meaning you get it back. The person BORROWED it as a LOAN and it will be returned. Best to give timeline too

GIVE means you pass it on without any expectation of receiving it back. It’s no longer your belonging and the recipient can do whatever they want with it.

Don’t GIVE things away you want back

Don’t LOAN things unless you’re willing to understand that things could happen to it whilst being temporarily used by others and you may not get it back

Neither a loaner or borrower be

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me"

This sounds very dramatic, esp when she's just said she'll give you it back. I absolutely hope not there and then!

@ArfArfBarf thank you for your kind words and I will definitly be taking your advice @QuestionMarkNow.
@Tyranttoddler I definitly did not take the cardigan off of the baby, I said she could give it back to me another day, but she didn't want to, for some reason it had to be there and then.

How would she know which clothes you lent her and which she had bought/been given by other people?

Just buy some new ones and don't pass on clothes until you're done having children.

I don't think its odd to loan baby clothes. My DD has gorgeous clothes (she is the first and only grandchild on both sides so family has been showering her with gifts) and my best friend is currently pregnant with a little girl. However, my own sister is about to start TTC next year and we may also want to try for the second baby after that, so my friend and I agreed that she can have anything she wants from our DDs 'closet' but that it will go to my sister or back to me afterwards. Everyone seems happy with that - my best friend is happy because her little girl will get really nice stuff and they won't have to spend a fortune on baby clothes, I'll be happy to see those little dresses and cardigans worn by another beloved baby, my sister will be happy to get them afterwards if she ends up having a girl... however, we did talk about it and it was clear on all sides it is a 'loan'.