To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

Lol at the poster being snobby about third hand baby clothes.

When you buy second hand clothes, you have no idea if they were bought from new or are second hand themselves. The stuff I've bought second hand may have been through one baby, it may have clothes half a dozen.

Clothing bundles in black bags etc, are perhaps less likely to last, but second hand things from NCT nearly new sales etc, you can inspect, so the quality is often better.

My second child often wears clothes we bought second hand for my first child, so that's effectively minimum of third hand. At least half, probably more would be good enough to keep for a further child, or sell.

You need to call her out on this and ask for everything back immediately. They knew it was a loan. I'd be angry but try to communicate calmly and assertively, as showing the anger won't be helpful. They are both CF's.

Hi op

I've voted yanbu.you clearly said you were loaning them out.as soon as they knew you were expecting again they should have offered you back the clothes.At the very least brought them round.
To do anything else is really unacceptable and you are right to be annoyed,babies clothes are not cheap.
I hope you get them back in fair condition.

OP sounds like there’s are more issues at work here between your DH two DSis’s. If they are up to skulduggery to cause mischief for you in the eyes of your IL’s and you were clear they were a loan to only on each Sil due to constant requests. And as @NotMyNicknames has said sorry that’s they’re trying to make you feel bad, that she not on Don’t give them any again.

If you stated it was only a loan then yes she should have gave you them back buy me personally, if I was planning another baby and knew I wanted to use my babies clothes again I would just keep them away safe until I had my next baby and not lend them out as people keep saying you cant guarantee they will come back in good condition and I wouldn't really want any of my children wearing 3rd hand clothes.
Just take this as a lesson and never lend her anything again.

But*

Did you EXPRESSLY make it clear the clothes were a loan?

Because my experience regarding baby clothes is, "once you hand it down, it's gone". I've never had an expectation or experience of either getting things back that you handed down, or being asked to give stuff back that my two were given.

My experience is that you keep hold of anything "special", but everything else is fair game. YABU.

I don’t get the people who’re saying your obviously weren’t clear enough that it was a loan’ because if OP says she was clear then we should take her word for it (as you do with every OP on every thread!). When I had my first I was given loads of secondhand clothes and I always checked whether it was a loan - unless someone expressly said it was a gift then I kept a list and was able to pass stuff back. It was quite a faff, but it saved us loads of money so I was happy to do it. And if you’re NOT happy to accept a loan and keep track of the stuff then just say no thank you when it’s offered!

This is about what the clothes/agreement about the clothes represents to you, OP. You want the SILs to "respect," you, by remembering the agreement, putting themselves in your shoes, imagining what it's like to be having a baby away from your home & your own mum. You want them to honour the agreement without having to be reminded.

To them, however, they just thought "ooh those clothes look good, let's have them" and didn't think it was a big deal, didn't think it mattered to pass them between them. They are a bit thoughtless but not being actively mean. They are probably "ask" people and you are "guess" person (look it up, it's interesting) and you just need to briskly say "hey, just noticed that cardigan, we should sort out my clothes, I really need them now."

There is an undercurrent of emotion though, as you feel slighted & they feel guilty but also huffy as they don't think it's a big deal. The sad piece of information you can gather, is that they probably don't see you as close to the core of family as they see each other.

So now you know that, you can break the deadlock by being breezy and positive but with a clear boundary that you'd like them back now.
Sorry to say I think they are never going to be the sensitive, nuanced, sisters who consider you as a real part of the team. But at least if you know that you can be positive and clear, protect your own feelings. You don't have to punish them, just be a bit more boundaried.