To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

@Ughmaybenot I definitly told her not to give me the cardigan there and then but it was her choice. She had other things her baby could wear. She wouldn't let her baby go cold would she?

I still remember a friend ‘thoughtfully’ offering to loan me baby clothes. She stressed that she would want the huge bag that she’d brought with her back. She was very put out when I told her that if it was a loan then I didn’t want the responsibility of remembering who gave me what through baby fog. It would have been a nightmare.

In amongst the clothes she wanted to lend me were a load that I had passed on to her.

She probably would have been given more back when I’d finished with them, but instead I kept things simple.

It’s enormously different to lending one big thing that it’s easy to keep track of. I think you’re being petty. Go to SIL, ask if she has any of the clothes that were yours left. Don’t assume a conspiracy, it’s more likely to be that she doesn’t remember the original arrangement due to the fog of having a baby.

Buy new clothes

@Tsubasa1 that’s fine, but you have to see how awkward it must have been for her? She would’ve wanted to just give it back and end the awkwardness ASAP.
To be honest it sounds like you’re as sure now that you are completely in the right as when you started the thread, so I don’t think there’s much more to say really.

You can lend clothes, but it is a pain in the butt keeping track of them.

From what I've seen, most people who 'lend' clothes between family, tend to assume some will get damaged/lost, but others will be added to the pile, so you get a good amount back.

Knowing that both you and your other SIL had a DD of a similar age, she should have checked with you, and perhaps split the clothing in half.

But lesson learned, don't lend any more clothes. Only give clothes when you are finished. If they liked what clothes she had before, I'm pretty sure that will continue. It will be a more expensive lesson for them when you don't share more clothes with them, than it was for you.

Unless you made it clear you wanted them back then yes you are being unreasonable. I wouldn’t have given away the stuff I wanted to use for my next baby if I’m honest with you

No I actually think I shouldn't have lent them the clothes. Most people on this thread are saying "you shouldn't loan baby clothes". So I've definitly changed my perpective since the start of the thread. I'm also not expecting any of the clothes back.

Your post makes no sense. In the OP you said you want the 0-9 month clothes back. Then later you said you only gave them stuff that was 12-24 months and after that you said it was 6-24 months. But you said your SILs newborn was wearing a cardigan that was yours? Doesn't add up 🤨

@Ughmaybenot

Breaking your heart to see a baby enjoying the clothes and not you?

Wow, you are not coming across well OP! You sound petty and childish.

Yea... nah. I still think you’re being petty and immature. I’m out. Best of luck with your family relationships here on out.

@tsubasa1 babies don't 'enjoy' clothes.

It is clear from drip feeding that there is something else going on with you and your SIL. Perhaps you need to take a step back about the clothes? ...It sounds like they are expensive outfits ..maybe SIL didn't realise/maybe they did but surely it is not practical to dress up your baby Dd in such items anyhow?

@HypatiaCade thank you so much, lesson learned.

If the arrangement was very clear that you were lending the clothes then of course they are unreasonable to keep them and give them away. However, I have to say you don't seem to get on with them that well anyway, so why would you lend stuff to them?

Never lend - whether money, baby clothes, plates, whatever - unless you can afford to lose it.

I don’t think that you are being at all unreasonable! You made it clear that you’d be wanting the clothes back so they should be being returned! If your SIL knew she’d struggle to keep track then she should not have accepted the loan. Having the odd thing that she’s forgotten was from you wouldn’t annoy me as would seem an understandable error, but the whole lot is just rude!

@whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens oh dear yes I sound so petty. What I meant is, it will be hard to see the clothes my daughter wore being worn by another child and not my own DD2. Things that my mother gifted me especially. But I will get over it because its not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Only give things away that you don't need anymore. I think most people usually only give away baby clothes when their family is complete and they don't intend to have any more children.

I was given quite a few bags of baby clothes for DD1 as gifts not loans. We were also given new clothes as presents and bought some ourselves. I would honestly say that after a month or two I would not have been able to remember who gave us what or what was new and what was second hand. I would not have been able to return the second hand clothes if asked at a later date as I wouldn't know what ones they were.

I passed all the clothes on to others after DD2 had finished with them.

Why have you got a problem with SIL1 over this? (Put aside that you obviously don't like her and she has history for lying. Be objective about this incident.)
Your agreement was with SiL2, you told her you needed the clothes back, you loaned her the clothes. Maybe she should have come back to you with 'oh, I was thinking of passing on those clothes to SIL1' so that you could put a stop to it. You will never know whether they were in it together, as you say, or whether SIL1 has been on the phone to SIL2 having a go because she has been put into an embarrassing position regarding this. You will never know, so you may as well put it behind you and treat your own dd to some lovely new things in this year's style and leave them to last year's styles. And cultivate a civil relationship with the SILs that doesn't involve loans of anything.

I think you are being really petty and looking for a fight. Just let it be. I know that you had an arrangement but do you really want clothes back after being passed around so many times. I really think asking for baby clothes back is just so petty. I think it just works out to more work for the receiver to make sure they know what items are for who and to keep them in a returnable state.

My friends and I have all lent each other baby clothes. We know something might not come back in as good condition and some things will get lost or ruined. But the majority of my stuff has been lent out between kids and come back and I have benefitted in the same way. We’ve always been clear where it’s a loan compared to some stuff I have been given or I have permanently passed on. So I don’t think loaning baby clothes is weird at all OP. But assuming you were clear it was a loan to start with I would have asked for them back while pregnant to give your SIL time to sort them out for you.

You are being a bit of a martyr now.

Ask both SIL if you can have the baby clothes now your DD2 is big enough to fit into the ones the nieces have grown out of. Say you are glad they got to wear the lovely clothes and you can't wait to see Dd2 in the same items.

Don't lend any more clothes if you are unable to be clear about expectations of return.

Stop being the martyr about and don't blame baby clothes for your feelings about your SILs.

Have to admit, I'm not really clear on how old each of these daughter's are. Is your DD1 oldest and DD2 youngest of the lot?

@BlueJava I have made such an effort with them since I met my husband. That's why I lent them the stuff. (They were very keen). I actually like them and have a laugh with them. But I have issues with them and I never confront them, because I'm just one person and there is two of them, I feel outnumbered. I have a hard time standing up for myself. I live accross the world from my whole family and they were the only "family" I had. I'm gutted about this whole thing. I don't feel they treat me or their nieces how they deserve.

I haven't RTFT.
Warning to expecting parents do Not take hand downs without a written contract.
OP you should have bagged the stuff and stored it if you weren't finished your family.
Babies puke fart and poo on clothing.