To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

@Tsubasa1 if you expressly said you want them back then it's a clear case of piss taking.

I'd guess your in laws didnt believe youd ask for them back and theyd get away with it. Which they have.

I'd learn your lesson and not lend them anything again.

Your partner also needs to grow a backbone. Part of their logic would have been that he wouldnt say anything to them either.

Frankly, if you made an agreement that they were a loan, then I would ask for them. Have your husband text his sister and tell her you need them back. You were clear it was a loan.q

In our friend circle we loan out baby clothes with the expectation that they come back afterwards. We all know that if something is damaged/badly stained, we will replace that item for them. Saves a lot of money on clothes and we are all on the same page. I think maybe your SiL's just weren't on the same page!

'Hey SIL2, I lent you DDs clothes on the understanding that you gave them back, but I saw that SIL1 had been given one of the cardigans I lent you? Can I have the rest of the clothes back now please - I need some of them for DD and it's probably best just to return the rest too so we can avoid any more confusion. Thanks, see you soon xx'

Substitute ‘baby clothes’ with any other item that might be lent - luggage, power tools, books, whatever - and imagine the borrower gives it to a third party instead of the lender even though both have need of it. That’s ultimately the issue here. SILs can’t be trusted to return any borrowed item to OP.

I’m guessing that if some items got ruined, that would be annoying but it happens, and wasn’t (hopefully) deliberate. Whereas depriving the OP is deliberate.

@Fattyboom that's along the lines of what I wanted to say

I never really understood why people ‘lend’ their baby items to others when they’ll later expect them back, possibly at an inconvenient time. I remember a thread on here months ago about a woman who had lent all of her maternity clothes to her friend, was pregnant again and wanted them back but her friend was also pregnant again so was using them! Your SIL is also clearly using the clothing so I’d personally just buy new. You should have kept ahold of them if you didn’t want this to happen imo.

@bluerose99 has it bang on.

And to everyone saying 'well baby clothes could get sicked on/stained/shrink, why would you expect them back?'

Suitcases can get lost by airlines or the zips can break
Books can get torn or have something spilt on them
Ect

Things can and do go wrong all the time, everyone accepts life happens. But with all the bits of clothes where things haven't gone wrong (stains, explosive poos ect) OP is well within her right to want them back. They are literally in usable condition yet SIL has decided other SIL has more right to use them despite OP saying she wanted the back for her second baby from the start.

FGS even if OP hadn't stated she wanted them back for the start I'd still think SIL was a little rude. If a friend does you a favour by giving you lots of lovely free baby clothes and by the time you're done with them the original friend has another baby who could use those clothes common sense says you'd offer them back to her for her new baby before offering them to someone else in order to repay that original favour - it's just the polite and decent thing to do.

You didn’t ask for them back when you had DD2, you sulked for 2 hours until SIL took off the cardigan her baby was wearing and handed it to you.

That’s some passive aggressive batshittery.

I didn't ask for them back because I thought that (when she was done with them), she would put them all in a bag and give them to me SIL

@WendyHoused I didn't want the cardigan back, I wanted SIL2 to have the respect to stick to our agreement. I was dissapointed. I was dissapointed SIL1 apparently knew it belonged to my DD1 first, knew that I needed it and took the cardigan anyway. The whole "I didn't know it was yours" thing came later when she'd had time to think about it.

omg not another one.

YABU

OP they are not yours anymore get a grip. You sound crazy.

^
You were under duress when you lent the clothes in the first place and now you're being hounded for wanting back what you made clear was a loan in the first place rather than them being given to someone else. Why the hell should you have to pay for 2 lots of clothes when neither of your SIL's has even had to pay for 1 full lot.

It's very unfair on you all round.
^

Lessons learned by all. OP don't lend anything though I highly doubt they'd take the offer again.

OP,

Of course you are irritated.

You did something kind and it has massively bitten you on the bum.

In the real world, no one would opt to buy a second set of baby clothes because the first set was on LOAN and were past on instead of being returned as agreed.

MN batshittery in my view.

OP.

Thank you

People never expect to actually return baby stuff because it all gets mixed together and you just cant remember who gave what.

Babies are messy and baby clothes don't last especially long. Don't give clothes with conditions as you're likely to be disappointed when you don't get them back

Please read the thread properly. All of my babies clothes got returned. To my other SIL instead of me!

It will break my heart to see my SIL's babies enjoy all the clothes and not me!

Babies don't 'enjoy' clothes! Parents enjoy seeing their babies in them.

In the real world, no one would opt to buy a second set of baby clothes because the first set was on LOAN and were past on instead of being returned as agreed

Completely disagree. I would not want to dress my baby in clothes that are by now third hand and likely have puke or poo stains all over them. You can buy pretty cheap baby clothes everywhere these days, you dont have to go to specialist shops or spend a fortune.

Just because you wouldn't want to dress your baby in third hand baby clothes, it doesn't mean other people wouldn't too! Horses for courses.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

You suspect - have you asked her? I may have missed it but have you had the conversation with SIL2? It could be the majority of clothes are there ready to pass back to you, and the cardigan has either slipped through the net or they thought one item wouldn’t be missed.

Do you actually know if SIL1 has all the other clothes too?

MN is hilarious sometimes. The double standards! If it’s clearly a gift, it’s a gift. If it’s clearly a loan, it’s a loan!

Of course she should have returned the clothes. That was the agreement. What “other people usually do” is irrelevant. She’s a CF.