To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

@MrsMcTats my husband has always advised me to not follow his sisters example. But he's never got involved in our quarrels and doesn't want to. i suspect he has a soft spot for them as they are his younger sisters.

I'm afraid it sounds more and more like you are the problem here, OP. You are expecting them to read your mind when you aren't willing to have a simple conversation.

As other posters have noted, families lend each other clothes, however, they expect to get them back when done with (and not have to ask for them). Its a spoken agreement within families.

Spoken agreements are SPOKEN. And every family is different.

Just say something, ffs.

This is why I never accept hand me downs unless I'm sure they don't want them back. I honestly can't imagine getting so het up over this. Just don't lend her anything again that you might want back

OP i think you're getting a massively unfair bashing here.

You had lots of lovely clothes for your DD. SIL saw these lovely clothes and commented that she'd like to use them for her younger DD after your DD had worn them. You weren't keen on this but after lots of asking and pestering from SIL about how much she loved the clothes you conceded to give them to her for her DD to wear but made it clear you'd want them back after for your future DD (i.e a loan). Now your DD2 is born at a similar time to other SIL's DD. Instead of giving your lovely clothed back to you for your DD your sil has decided to hand them over to her sister (other SIL) for her DD, instead of back to you like prior agreed. I'd be out out too!

You were under duress when you lent the clothes in the first place and now you're being hounded for wanting back what you made clear was a loan in the first place rather than them being given to someone else. Why the hell should you have to pay for 2 lots of clothes when neither of your SIL's has even had to pay for 1 full lot.

It's very unfair on you all round.

Oh and I can just imagine your SIL's reaction if you hadn't loaned the clothes in the first place -

'OP has all these lovely clothes that she wont be needing for over a year and that's if her next baby is even a girl, it might be a boy! Why won't she just lend them to me for my DD whilst she's the right age for them and then i'll return them once my DD has grown out of them by which time her new baby will be just the right age to wear them.'

Its almost pointless to ask for them back now. Seeing as she had not returned the clothes, I have already had to fork out on some extras! It seems silly that I didn't ask for them back before, I assumed her child might still be using them or something like that so I was too embarrassed to ask.

@NotMyNicknames what a perfect summary. And if I hadn't have agreed to loan them, I would have looked like the mean selfish sister in law who won't share her stuff!

@Tsubasa1

Not silly at all. With the majority of loans I would always assume someone would return it when the were finished with them at a time relatively convenient to them.

If i really needed them back of thought they'd had it for a really long time i may mention in passing something like 'oh remember X that i lent you? i'm guessing you're done with it by now and i could do with it back so would you mind dropping them off when you get the chance/bringing them when we next meet up/giving me a time to come collect it'

But common sense and manners say that when you're loaned something for a purpose you return it (with a thank you) once it has completed that purpose (in your case once her DD had grown out of them).

It seems silly that I didn't ask for them back before, I assumed her child might still be using them or something like that so I was too embarrassed to ask.

THIS.

It seems silly that you won't ask now, tbh.

Its almost pointless to ask for them back now. Seeing as she had not returned the clothes

It seems stupid to have made all that fuss with the cardigan and now say you wont ask for them back. If you want them just ask. You could have sorted this out hours ago.

Thank you @NotMyNicknames

@TinySleepThief
I think it's not so much about the clothes as Op doing a kind thing & then realising that neither SIL actually give a fuck about her

[quote Tsubasa1]@TinySleepThief
I think it's not so much about the clothes as Op doing a kind thing & then realising that neither SIL actually give a fuck about her[/quote]
So you're never gonna ask for them back?

You said you wanted to stand up for yourself more and you've already started doing so by asking about the catdigan. Lets be honest if the relationship is as bad as you say and they don't appreciate you then what have you got to lose by asking for them back?

Oh, stop.

You have to be clear on the terms of the agreement, do you imagine anyone can remember where each item of clothing actually came from?
I wouldn't have passed things on that I knew I'd want back, and when I have given things I've said oh don't worry if things get ruined just bin them and if they're still any good I wouldn't mind them back (pre no 2) unless you have anyone to pass them on to.

@NapQueen1234 considering how quickly children under 2 grow particularly in their first year you are wasting money as well the Earth's resources just getting new clothes.

@BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup that’s my point entirely! Seems bonkers!

YABU - I really couldn't get worked up over this.
You say it will ruin your relationship forever? Over some second hand baby clothes......?
Let it go and move on.

Honestly the whole set up sounds absolutely bat-shit, if you are that bothered about ensuring you get baby clothes back then you don’t lend them in the first place!

What if something has been damaged by a washer or stained beyond repair? Do you keep an Itemised list and charge them per item? Have all of these clothes been through 3/4 babies now? I can’t imagine they’ll all still be in pristine condition

To ask for clothes you don’t even need back seems overly petty - but if that’s what makes you happy go for it, In my opinion It’s absurd.

Text your SIL’s and ask for any clothes they happen to have back if they can lay hands on them etc and buy your daughter some new clothes fgs

This is ridiculous. They are kids clothes, any one of the items could easily be ruined one way or another, would you be getting upset then too? If so, you shouldn't pass on clothes.
We have always passed baby clothes around our family, regardless of whether we might have further children ourselves. I wouldn't dream of asking for them back, that would feel petty to me. You win some, you lose some. I'd get over it if I were you.

Op I think the problem for you is that you felt coerced into lending them when you did not want to. You should have been firm here and now you are overreacting to the wrong stuff.

The cardigan incident paints you in a bad light I'm afraid.

You need to ask for the clothes back and get over it.

@TinySleepThief
I'm planning to ask for them back in person. Like PPs are saying, something along the lines of "hey, do you happen to have any of the clothes I lent you? You haven't given them back so I've had to buy some new clothes for my DD. I did expect you were going to give them back after you used them without me having to ask, so I won't be able to lend any more in the future"

Or I could not ask for them back, and say "Don't worry about the clothes I lent you. If you lend someone something you should never expect it back. Especially baby clothes. That was my mistake"

@Frankola

I really dont understand this apparently common issue?

If you GIVE someone baby clothes you cannot expect them back unless you directly and explicitly say at the time "when you're done with them I would like them back".

You cant just decide you want things back after you've handed them out if not.

But the OP told her SIL that it was a loan, not a gift, @Frankola - she didn’t give them and then change her mind and decide to ask for them back.

I am also slightly baffled by the posters who are so adamant that no-one EVER lends baby clothes, when clearly some people do! Is it really so hard to understand that not everyone does everything exactly the same way?

@Tsubasa1 - I can’t see you have done anything wrong - you lent the clothes to your SIL, and made it clear that it was a loan - and now she has handed them on to your other SIL, instead of giving them back to you. If I were you, I would ask for the clothes back - but I can understand if you don’t want the confrontation. I definitely wouldn’t be lending them anything else, if I were you, though!

@Isthisnothing I know the cardigan incident makes me look pathetic, and I was pathetic, I admit. I'm tempted to forget all the clothes and not ask for them back, just because I look bad enough already. I should cut my losses, let them keep the rest of my reputation and NEVER give them another item.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Yes its not wanting the confrontation and not wanting to look more of a twat that I already do!
When it becomes apparent to both SIL they aren't getting any more hand me downs, they will definitly have learnt their lesson too.