To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

I don’t really think a bag of used baby clothes are worth falling out with your family personally. How ridiculous snatching a cardigan of a child. Sorry but your ridiculous.

She says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me".

This sounds unhinged.

I don't understand how clothes for children can be loaned?? Don't they normally ruin them? It's cheeky to ask for them back.

When I was expecting DD1 SIL passed on to me a load of baby clothes. She said that a few of the items had sentimental value to her and she would appreciate getting them back, if possible (but no tragedy if not). She wrote her first initial in laundry ink on the label of those few items, so I was super careful with them and I returned those few items later. I thought this was a good idea and made it really easy to identify those bits she wanted back.

TBH it sounds like they had form for being unreasonable so I wouldn't have loaned them if I knew I wanted to use them for my DD.

YABU
There is another thread on AIBU from the opposite side of this.

Ruining your relationship with your in-laws forever over 2nd and 3rd handed children’s clothes? Its really not worth it.

If you made it very clear it was a loan YANBU.

If you were a bit vague or just said something about 'sharing' YABU (only you can know what you said and how you said it)

I realise to told your sil it was a loan but I can't believe you literally took a cardigan off a baby's back.

Yeah that is pretty low if I'm honest.

I think it's not so much about the clothes as Op doing a kind thing & then realising that neither SIL actually give a fuck about her.

Wow there are some rude and some strange comments on here.

Of course people can and do loan baby clothes. My DB and DSIL loaned me clothes their 2 babies wore. My second DC is now wearing them and they are being returned as she grows out of them. I know which are clothes I've bought because I've marked the labels.

They haven't been ruined. They still mostly look fine and are perfectly wearable after 4 babies.

YANBU since you stated they were a loan.

@Anydreamwilldo12 yes grabby is how I would describe them. As other posters have noted, families lend each other clothes, however, they expect to get them back when done with (and not have to ask for them). Its a spoken agreement within families.

Thank you @diddl and @DDiva

OP. You would describe them as grabby. How do you think you are coming across?

And to the commenters saying they wouldn't remember whose clothes are from who... say all my SILs baby clothes are from Turkish brands or unbranded (from an outdoor market). Say they get a bad full of clothes of UK brands they have never heard of, also of a particularly different and distinct style. Surely they would be able to tell immediately they were from me? Also they have seen my DD1 wearing them before, and have commented while she was wearing them.

As I offered them on a loan, I don't think I'm coming across as grabby. Childish or petty yes, but not grabby @Abbazed

So have you asked for them back yet? That's the only way to get them, you're not going to get them returned by venting on the Internet.

Do you really think people remember what other people’s babies are wearing long term?

The only reason I know some items where worn by Ds and his cousin is as we have photos of both wearing them!

If something is that important then don’t lend it to someone else.

What a fuss over some hand me down children’s clothes , OP you clearly need something else to worry about . I would suggest in future that you don’t loan anything out just in case someone misinterprets it as a gift .

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time here OP. It must be a bit annoying that you passed clothing on while pregnant, knowing you’d need it down the line, only for SiL to pass on to other SiL rather than you!

This ^^

Sounds like your SIL persuaded you to lend nice UK branded baby clothes which you did despite your reservations because you knew you would need them again, but passed them onto her sister rather than back to you.

I would ask in a gentle way for the clothes back so your DD2 can wear them, but make it clear that otherwise you won’t ‘lend’ anymore of DD1 clothes because DD2 will need them. She may realise that if she cooperated with passing them back to you then in future her DD will also be able to wear those nice clothes between your DD1 and DD2, rather than not at all.

My family are from a culture where Westerm brands are seen as ‘special’ and desirable so I get where you are coming from, this isn’t about a bag of plain white baby grows.

I'm wondering if there are some cultural issues here as well, OP. There can be a perception in some countries that 'UK relatives' are well off (or better off than they are) so its okay take advantage of them. That could be why the SILs passed the clothes between themselves rather than return them to the OP.

I have seen this firsthand myself with family in the Caribbean and also friends with family in the Indian subcontinent have said the same.

I really dont understand this apparently common issue?

If you GIVE someone baby clothes you cannot expect them back unless you directly and explicitly say at the time "when you're done with them I would like them back".

You cant just decide you want things back after you've handed them out if not.

I don't think yabu. You made it very clear that you wanted good items back if in condition. Sounds like they have ignored you and are continuing to pass clothes between themselves. Don't think posters seem to be grasping that I know my own sister had her eye on some expensive ish dresses I had gotten for my DD which I gave her and said if they were still ok after I'd take them back (I gave her a bag of other stuff I didn't want) but I had a boy anyway so non issue

@purpledagger I don't think its a cultural issue. They can see I'm not well off. I think its a rivalry they have created between us. I will never forget the first thing SIL1 said when I got pregnant with DD2 was "but I was going to start TTC", instead of congratulations. She was bitter I got pregnant before she did (wow sorry I didn't know that I had to consult when deciding when to have my second child???). I have allowed them to keep the rivalry going by simply spending time with them. I needeed to distance myself from the beginning, and not give them access to my kids wardrobe and personal things, which can definitly create jelousy in some people.

@Blueroses99 thank your thoughtful comment.
And @OrchidJewel thanks

OP what does your husband say about all this? You're obviously struggling with your relationship with his sisters, so is he doing anything to help? It sounds like a toxic situation, that has been highlighted by this baby clothes situation. As you've made the sacrifice to move to his country, I'd expect him to step up and make you feel as comfortable as possible (and tell his sisters to reign their necks in)!