To ask for all of my DD's baby clothes back?

[Tsubasa1]

Background= I have two SILs. SIL1 is particularly fond of lying, and I have caught her out many times over the years(but never confronted her).

I have been passing down my DD1's baby clothes to SIL2. The thing is she hasn't given any back, and now I'm having to buy a whole new wardrobe for DD2! The final straw was when I saw SIL1 at the weekend and her newborn (similar age to DD2) was wearing one of my DD1's hand me downs (that my DD2 should be using now). I was just shocked and I said, "that was my DD1's cardigan". -"oh yes" she replied. Then I said "I didn't get it back from SIL2". She says "Oh no she gave it to me for my daughter".

Then to my shock a few hours later she says. "Oh I didn't know this was your daughter's, I can give it to you" then I responded "You need to give it back to me". Then she rambled on about how she didn't know and this and that. But her first reaction tells me that she DID KNOW all along it was DD1s cardigan.

I expected SIL1 to be honest and bring back the baby clothes when my child might need them. It was our agreement to lend the clothes but always give them back. Instead they are passing them on to each other. Because SIL1's daughter and mine are similar in age, so if she gave them to me, SIL1 wouldn't be able to use them. I shouldn't have to be chasing them for every item, they should be honest and give them back. I think this incident will ruin our relationship forever.

I suspect SIL2 has given other items like blouses and dresses and shorts to my SIL1. I think they are in this together and decided to do that until I asked for the items back

YABU- let them do as they please and buy your DD2 a new wardrobe
YANBU- to ask for all the clothes back

Should I also ask for the newborn clothes that I don't need anymore back (sizes 0-9 months)? Just because I don't think they deserve anything from me? (SIL2 is expecting a baby in August)

Sorry I did not suggest to past them down or loan them to her, it was SIL2 that suggested it!

OP are you the other mum from this thread? 😂😂

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3940475-Friend-is-asking-for-baby-clothes-back?pg=1

YABVU. You don’t loan baby clothes; baby clothes are given with the expectation they are a gift.

It’s not reasonable to expect someone to remember which clothes are yours and need to be looked after to the point of them being acceptable to return, rather than just the baby enjoying and being comfortable in the clothes.

I can’t believe you actually said “you need to give it back to me”; that’s so rude, especially when that SIL wasn’t the one you gave it to in the first place. They’re different people, although through your replies on this thread it’s clear you see them as one and the same to dislike.

You were very rude and you should apologise, and I also think it’s quite sad that you’re bitter about another baby enjoying the clothes.

@7alwje783

Your post makes no sense. In the OP you said you want the 0-9 month clothes back. Then later you said you only gave them stuff that was 12-24 months and after that you said it was 6-24 months. But you said your SILs newborn was wearing a cardigan that was yours? Doesn't add up 🤨

She also said she wanted her SSL children to enjoy the nice clothes 😂 then said she didn't want to loan them out really. Make yr mind up op..

OP, what I can't quite get my head round is that you haven't even asked for them back? You need to speak to SIL2 and ask for all the items you have leant her back as your DD is getting to the age of needing to use them. If there are specific items that you want back then tell her that.

Stop expecting people to be mind readers or return things because they think you need them, most people don't operate like that because you and your needs won't be forefront of their minds. You are stewing and being quite martyr like over something that might not even be the issue you have made it out to be

You will most likely have come across as rude to SIL1 because you didn't have an agreement with her and the way you describe the conversation is a little odd, it is SIL2 you need to have a conversation with

That's what happens with children's clothes
DS mainly dressed in clothes belonging to a little brother of a friend of DDs. Then clothes were then worn by both my DNs and have since been passed to a friend of my sisters and probably passed on again. Unless theres an explicit agreement that you really want something back expect them to be passed on.

I can understand your irritation though that clothes weren't passed back to you when you had another baby bit I'd certainly not have expected it.

I know that I was rude. I will apologize to her. But SIL1 she took my DD1s jumper from SIL2 knowing I wanted it back. Her reaction to me saying that belonging to DD1 before, and that SIL2 hadn't given it back to me, was basically "yes it was your DD1s and now its been given to me and thats it". She only gave it back to me two hours later when she saw my upset face for two hours. By then she claimed she had no idea it had been DD1s.

@heartsonacake

OP you're mad as a hatter

[quote Tsubasa1]**@lifestooshort123* @turnthebiglightoff* I had no idea it was weird to loan baby clothes. I just wanted my SIL's to enjoy some of the nice blouses and dresses etc that I had with my DD1. I won't be so thoughtful again tbh[/quote]
From that to - I didn't want to lend them out?

Why are you so enraged?

[quote Tsubasa1]@diddl yes they were nice things from UK stores that they wouldn't be able to buy in Turkey. I didn't want to but she was very keen so I thought it would be selfish to say no. She promised to return them to me.[/quote]
😂

@Fattyboom i don't expect her to be a mind reader. When the clothes get too small for her DD I expect her to give them back to me as per agreement. I don't expect to be chasing after every single item I've lent her. She knows what I've lent her as its in her wardrobe!

You are being very petty. I don’t know anyone who would loan out baby clothes then expect them back again. For a start who would want something back that would have been washed and washed countless times. You sound very unreasonable.

Put it down to one of those life lessons. Don't give things away that you expect back! I wouldn't give baby clothes away until I knew I wasn't having anymore kids and I certainly wouldn't give them away with the expectation that I would get them back.

@Abbazed

“Upset face for 2 hours”

OP this is just passive aggression about baby clothes. Cannot bear it when people expect you to mind read. We’re all parents with a lot to juggle, don’t know how you can expect to get what you want if you won’t assert yourself in a polite and clear manner.

They won’t respect you or your position long term if you behave in this way. You could be the person who asked for the clothes back directly and calmly, reminding them of the expectation you felt you had already set - and they might not agree but there’s no aggression or moodiness.

Upset face for 2 hours meaning someone then feels obliged to do what you want = no respect, animosity and ultimately a bad atmosphere around babies who are family and who wants that!!

What does your DH think?

She only gave it back to me two hours later when she saw my upset face for two hours.

Please tell me you didn’t sulk in front of her for two hours. It’s a cardigan.

She knows what I've lent her as its in her wardrobe!

Incorrect. It being in her wardrobe does not mean she’ll know it’s yours. It’s not reasonable to expect someone to remember which baby clothes previously belonged to who.

It’s clear you don’t like your SIL’s. Different families have different ways of doing things. For example i lent my SIL a set of suitcases for a family holiday. A year later when I booked my holiday I text her “hiya just booked to go to X on Y so I’ll need the suitcases back please” no drama. You are the type of person that returns things immediately, your SIL is the sort of person that gives things back when requested. Neither of you are wrong but you need to work on your communication with her if you have such different expectations. You knew from past experience that she doesn’t immediately give things back, you knew her sister was pregnant surely when you saw her packing up baby clothes you would have said oh are these mine I’ll take them now then instead of passively waiting for them to be returned.

If you felt you couldn’t say no when your sil asked to borrow the clothes then get your husband to communicate with her, it’s his family why isn’t he dealing with it?
But asking for a cardigan back that a baby physically has on her back was not ok. I’m not suprised sil2 gave it to you there and then I certainly would have.

@Rose789 I already know that I was wrong to ask for the cardigan back but I knew if I didn't ask for it then and there, I probably wouldn't see it again. I'm certainly going to ask my husband to deal with the situation if that would be better in some way?

Just ask for them back?!
From the SiL you gave them to. If she says she passed them on ask her to get them back as per your original agreement. I wouldn’t feel awkward doing so given you say it was crystal clear you wanted them back.

You don't expect her to be a mind reader BUT you expect her to remember exactly which item of clothing you lent her?

You do know you're being a dick right? Why would anyone in their right minds want baby clothes back after they've gone through what they do?

Let it go. Don't give or lend anything away on future in case it ends up with someone you don't like as thats clearly the real reason you're pissed

This is getting ridiculous. Arguing about baby clothes like teenagers. Don’t lend out clothes if you want them back. You were out of order taking the clothes off the back of your niece. Disgusting behaviour and all over a cheap cardigan. Have my first

In my family we pass around clothes and the arrangement is, you offer them back when you are finished with them, so you anbu there imo. You don't necessarily get everything back, and they are likely to be in worse condition than when you lent them, so you keep back stuff that's expensive or special to you. I think its strange though that your sil didn't offer you the clothes back but gave them to your other sil instead.

Why would you loan baby clothes? You either give them away or keep them.