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Original poster

My mother in law is driving me insane

178 replies

Mummytobe10101 · 23/06/2020 21:31

I’m going crazy. I gave birth 2 weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy. And my mother in law kindly came round and said she will stay with me to help me with the baby. I was happy with this at first but now I’m going insane and I want to cry. My partner really wants her here and finds it offensive that I want her to leave because he adores his mum and feels like her advice is invaluable. He is working at the moment so I am alone with her in the day. It is my mother in law’s culture for baby boys to get circumcised. Each to their own but I disagree with this. I despise confrontation but she has talked again and again today about when he’s going to be circumcised and both times I’ve said he’s not. She’s also criticising me because he’s having expressed breast milk instead of sucking from the breast. And she’s told me I’m not moisturising his skin correctly/ giving him constipation by not feeding him breast milk from the breast/ not feeding him enough just before bed/ the list goes on. And also she told me to massage his nose to make is smaller and mould it which really upset me. I’ve been in tears on the phone to my mum and she’s fuming. I just want to scream. I’m a new mum and I feel so judged and awful. Help :( :(

OP posts:
Gogogadgetarms · 26/06/2020 14:58

Tell DH she has to go! Those first few weeks with your baby are priceless. Getting to know them, enjoying those firsts, learning and bonding. You’ll never get that time back OP. She’s ruining it!

daisyjgrey · 26/06/2020 15:07

@PopsicleHustler

A lot of people in Argentina peirce baby's ears from newborn. Would you call that force and barbaric?

Yes.

Also, arguing the toss over the 'correct' religion that a fictitious person followed probably isn't the way to make a case for genital mutilation.

EmperorCovidula · 26/06/2020 16:20

@woodhill that’s hilarious! I completely missed that nugget of wisdom!

woodhill · 26/06/2020 17:09

@EmperorCovidula

Explain which piece of wisdom you mean please 😊

DuineArBith · 26/06/2020 17:18

In my faith and culture, circumcision is a must. My boys were never in pain or squealing. It was done by a professional and was a very simple process. Anaesthetic was used and it was done by a professional doctor.

None of that means that they aren't in pain. It's pretty inevitable when they come round from the anaesthetic to find a circle of raw flesh in contact with a nappy and also with urine that they will be in pain. Any anaesthetic has its dangers, so subjecting a young baby to one for no medical reason is really quite barbaric.

DuineArBith · 26/06/2020 17:21

Like I said , it's our way of life . It's obviously not the same as yours. Just like a lot of people like to smoke and drink and have tattoos. We dont. But others do. I dont sit criticising people who do either

That doesn't really work as an argument. People who smoke, drink and have tattoos are making choices for themselves, Circumcision involves forcing your choice onto a helpless child.

If "it's our way of life" were an adequate reason, we would still be allowing FGM.

Nottherealslimshady · 26/06/2020 17:31

Just gonna throw my hat in the 'Anti infant genital mutilation' ring and back away slowly.

icansmellburningleaves · 26/06/2020 17:51

Massage his nose to make it smaller!! WTF!! Sounds like she needs her nose massaging with a boxing glove. I really feel for you. Your husband really needs to step up and start standing up for you, starting with removing his mother from your home. If her being there is making you stressed then he needs to do something about it.

samG76 · 26/06/2020 17:57

I'll throw my hat in the "not that bothered either way" ring, but still think MIL is being BU....

SisterAgatha · 26/06/2020 18:02

Jesus probably was circumcised, it was done in the desert for reasons like not much access to water, sand can be a harsh thing in a foreskin etc. Same reason pork and seafood aren’t eaten, they don’t stay sanitary in hot countries. Most of the religious requirements were to stop people getting ill.

We have soap now, body modification isn’t needed.

And the word is choice. Is it your penis? No. Then stop fiddling with children’s bodies and let the owner of that penis decide. The world is full of people who think they own their kids bodies.

alwaysmyfault · 26/06/2020 18:08

I went through exactly the same thing with my mil, from the same culture too. Arrived when my son was 3 weeks old and wouldn’t let me hold him, only to breastfeed him while she stared at me. Slowly ruined my marriage as she always came first. Regretfully I allowed for my son to be circumcised ‘to be like his father’. I was ignorant then. In their culture it is done at 8 years of age. The pain my son was in after the local anaesthetic wore off was heartbreaking and he developed an infection. He is cross with me now for allowing it. He is now 24.

@PopsicleHustler Go to hell with your arrogant “actually Jesus was a Muslim”. I have to put up with this crap from my in laws and other Muslims, who also believe everyone is born a Muslim ( hence they call a Muslim convert a revert). He was born a Jew. Full stop. There was no Islam then.

Brefugee · 26/06/2020 18:41

gosh! what a thread.
btw - Jesus didn't start Christianity. That came later. He was Jewish and from what the bible says he followed that religion (Passover feast etc) although he obvs had some beefs with their practices/customs.

A lot of people in Argentina peirce baby's ears from newborn. Would you call that force and barbaric?

wrong, circumcision for babies also wrong, FGM also wrong. If it's legal it doesn't make it right. If it's illegal it is society saying: nope, we don't want that.

OP if you're still around don't worry about the circumcision too much unless it's what your husband also wants. Then you need to really think about what you want to do.

For the rest: tell your MiL to leave if you can. If not, try to avoid as much as you can and enjoy her housekeeping while you can!

Mittens030869 · 26/06/2020 19:00

Jesus didn't start Christianity, no, but he did claim to be the 'Christ', which is the Greek for the Hebrew 'Messiah'. The term 'Christian' was a label bestowed on his followers by their enemies as an insult and it stuck.

ComeBy · 26/06/2020 19:04

OP, so sorry you have all this to grapple with, and now you have a noisy MN row going on on your thread, when you already said you won’t be circumcising your Ds.

I have some of your experience.

Personally I would not approach this by criticising your MIL and giving your DH any kind of ultimatum. I would tell him that his Mum has been really helpful but that you now need to learn how to manage your life as a new Mum and get confidence in managing alone. Say it Can be a bit claustrophobic when you are alone with her all day, and it is time for some alone time, and then spend some time with your own Mum. Arrange to do that and tell your DH, fair accomplit. Tell your MIL she has been great, and it is time for your own mum to take in a share of the work and the grand parenting.

I would find a way to be clear, direct and assertive about your needs without burning bridges. Attacking your partner’s mum is best approached with caution - it can wreck a marriage.

I’m not saying don’t fight for what you want. You should, hit MIL would drive anyone batty.

woodhill · 26/06/2020 19:33

I think you know what I mean though, without Jesus there would not any Christians😊

Definitely not a Muslim

woodhill · 26/06/2020 19:34

Be any

MulticolourMophead · 26/06/2020 19:44

I am in the anti mutilation camp. Firmly. And it is not a normal procedure in the UK.

And despite apparent widespread belief in nose massage, there is no evidence it works.

OP, your MIL needs to be told that she isn't helping and that there will be no further discussion, especially about getting your DS circumcised.

woodhill · 26/06/2020 19:50

I wouldn't dream of telling my dd what to do with my grandchild, she would not tolerate it. Find it very difficult to understand.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/06/2020 19:56

If anyone's interested, there's a piece here about the "Jesus was a muslim" thing:

7minutes.net/blog/was-jesus-a-muslim/

woodhill · 26/06/2020 20:01

Thanks Puzzled sums it up well

Mittens030869 · 26/06/2020 21:20

@Puzzledandpissedoff Very good article, thank you for sharing it.

EmperorCovidula · 27/06/2020 05:23

@woodhill the Jesus was Muslim before Islam existed comment. I know quite a few nutty Muslims but none that are that far gone.

Frangipaniflower · 27/06/2020 05:47

I also have a MIL like this but my kids have now grown up. I found the best thing to do is not engage in any arguments with her, just look her in the eye and say 'no, that is not happening' and the same with your husband. I think you will find that she will back down, just keep saying No politely. Also I'm not sure this is anything to do with religion as my MIL is from the MEast but is not Muslim, it's more cultural difference

Medievalist · 27/06/2020 06:17

Op, on another thread you say your partner is a doctor. Surely, whilst he might adore his mum, he could put her straight on some of her ridiculous advice? I'm also surprised he can't appreciate the impact she is having on your health.

ComeBy · 27/06/2020 08:33

Well, here we have a new Mum in the very difficult post natal 2 weeks, vulnerable and wanting some support and advice.

What does she get? Numerous posts telling her to grow balls, backbone, spine etc, and supportive advice drowned out by posters being rude enough to crash her thread with a religious slanting match and haranguing her with views on circumcision when she has already made her decision known.

Well done MN, the site for supporting mothers. Not.