My mother in law is driving me insane

[Mummytobe10101]

I’m going crazy. I gave birth 2 weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy. And my mother in law kindly came round and said she will stay with me to help me with the baby. I was happy with this at first but now I’m going insane and I want to cry. My partner really wants her here and finds it offensive that I want her to leave because he adores his mum and feels like her advice is invaluable. He is working at the moment so I am alone with her in the day. It is my mother in law’s culture for baby boys to get circumcised. Each to their own but I disagree with this. I despise confrontation but she has talked again and again today about when he’s going to be circumcised and both times I’ve said he’s not. She’s also criticising me because he’s having expressed breast milk instead of sucking from the breast. And she’s told me I’m not moisturising his skin correctly/ giving him constipation by not feeding him breast milk from the breast/ not feeding him enough just before bed/ the list goes on. And also she told me to massage his nose to make is smaller and mould it which really upset me. I’ve been in tears on the phone to my mum and she’s fuming. I just want to scream. I’m a new mum and I feel so judged and awful. Help :( :(

@PopsicleHustler

Thank you for your utterly patronising post. I studied religion for years at university but thank you for your 'Dummy's Guide to Mutilating Babies'.
How can you in one sentence claim that you'd never force your baby to be mutilated but in the other say that it's important to you that they are. As far as I know, a newborn baby isn't capable of giving their permission to have parts of their bodies removed so you absolutely did force them into it. For that there is absolutely no justification.

What is your husband's view on circumcision? I would be very careful if he supports it to make sure he won't arrange it without your knowledge.
Re MIL.. What you do now is extremely important as it will set a precedent. You must explain to your husband that it is crucial that only parents decide what to do with the baby, she undermines you and her behaviour is unacceptable. Do provide examples. If he doesn't act on it I would suggest moving out if you can(maybe go to your mum). If he doesn't act after that I would start divorce proceedings.
You don't want another 50 years of disrespect and interference

@Sparrow234 sounds like you're best off on your own then love. Enjoy your baby and the sunshine

@ohtherewearethen Patronising. I was polite and hoped your are well and told you to have a lovely day. Glad you studied religion.

Yes, a baby does not consent. You're right.
But my boys like I said were not in pain, nor was I restraining them or holding them down while the doctor hacked away with a chainsaw.

Like i said @lazyliguist it's our way, which might not be yours.

A lot of people in Argentina peirce baby's ears from newborn. Would you call that force and barbaric?

You endangered your babies lives for your own selfish reasons. Stop trying to justify the unjustifiable.

Also yes. I would. But I think on the awful parent scale mutilation is worse.

We can just agree to disagree. I don't see it as barbaric. I see killing innocent lives and harming others as barbaric. My sons are not disfigured or distraught. They are healthy and happy kids, currently chucking toys everywhere.
I have nothing else to say.

Have a lovely day everyone and make the most of the lovely weather.
Next week is meant to change to trusty British mild, blowy, rainy weather! Peace and love

Yes, piercing a baby's ears is done by force and is barbaric and should be banned. At least earrings can be removed. Your sons can't get the parts of their penises you had chopped off and thrown away back. It doesn't matter if the doctor used a chainsaw or a scalpel, the results are the same.
If I read an old story that told me I should chop my baby's little toe off I would have more confidence in my own parenting decisions and care for my newborn than to blindly do what an old book told me was 'for the best'.

My sons are not disfigured

Well, they are. You have removed part of their anatomy. Actually a very private part of it, too.

A lot of people in Argentina peirce baby's ears from newborn. Would you call that force and barbaric?

Yes. At least you can remove earrings later in life. can’t grow a foreskin back
Though.

A lot of people in Argentina peirce baby's ears from newborn. Would you call that force and barbaric?

Yes.

I sympathise OP I have a similar situation, DP thinks his mother is the second coming to Christ and she likes to tell my how to parent. I stood up to get this week and it felt fucking fabulous, DP tried to fight her corner and I stood my ground. I know it’s hard OP but this behaviour will only get worse out a stop to it now! Your baby is 2 weeks old you should be in a love bubble right now not having to insure this shit! If your not comfortable having the conversation tell your husband to put her back in her box, be stern this is your child and not hers. Xx

OP - How much is your MIL doing when your husband is home from work? Any chance him finding her advice invaluable also has a dimension of benefitting from her doing tasks (like cooking or cleaning or night wakings etc) with the baby that would fall to him if she wasn’t there?

Just wondered.

Read your DH the riot act. Either she goes or you do. Pack and go to your mum's if he won't do anything. He may find her invaluable but it's not about him, you've just given birth. Your main concern should be feeding and cuddling your baby and how many biscuits you can stuff in your face before the next feed, not how to field your overbearing MIL.

Is MIL invaluable because DH can't be arsed cooking and cleaning now you're busy? If so stomp on that, he needs to buck up.

A friend of mine had an awful time with her awful MIL. Her MIL really stressed her out and continues to do so. However, my friend has learnt her MIL is an absolute basket case and is now very firm with her toxic shenanigans. There was no worthwhile relationship to save and I think you are in the same boat Her DH is also awful but that's another story.

But my boys like I said were not in pain, nor was I restraining them or holding them down while the doctor hacked away with a chainsaw

Maybe not but why put a newborn baby through any type of operation including anaesthetic, that ALWAYS comes with risk? Based on an outdated religious practice? Can you not see why some/most people here think that that is barbaric?

My husband has been circumcised for no reason whatsoever. No medical issue/religious reason. The closest answer he can get from his parents is that it was 'the fashion'. As someone in their 40's that 'lived' before meeting him and had a number of previous partners, I know it was never 'the fashion'! He hates it!

There is a massive men's rights movement trying to get circumcision banned.
They are men who had it done against their will and are devastated by it.
Hopefully more people become educated in the next few years.
But it does look like a lot of parents are going to have to answer for their selfishness when their sons start demanding answers.

In the context of this thread, the issue of circumcision isn't really relevant, as the OP isn't the MIL who's going on about it. She doesn't intend to have her baby circumcised. The issue is her overbearing MIL interfering in everything and driving her round the bend.

I'm sorry you're having to cope with your MIL being like this. Unfortunately, it doesn't look as if your DH will put his foot down with his mum, so you should either go to stay with your DM with your DS or have her come and stay. You need her in your corner right now.

Oh my goodness. OP, your MIL sounds like a nightmare!

Be FIRM. Put up with no shit. Every time she makes a suggestion, just cut her off - “this is mine and DHs baby, and we have decided x” and if she keeps on “this is not up for discussion. Please stop lecturing me after the decision has been made”

If she gets offended, she gets offended. With any luck she’ll leave! Sorry, but you have to be firm sometimes, hard though it is. Nobody likes confrontation, but you can’t allow yourself to be bullied if the other person is prepared to push it to confrontation. And DON’T leave your baby alone with her if she doesn’t respect your wishes/opinions. If she asks (which she will when baby is bigger), you just need to say “I’m sorry, but I feel you don’t respect my opinions on child rearing, so I can’t leave baby with you”.

Like I said , it's our way of life . It's obviously not the same as yours. Just like a lot of people like to smoke and drink and have tattoos. We dont. But others do. I dont sit criticising people who do either.

So you would not criticise or even judge a person who would give their newborn alcohol or took them to a tattoo artist?

Yep. Time for her to leave. Only one thing I wanted to check

And she’s told me I’m not moisturising his skin correctly

Is your DH a different race? Worth bearing in mind that black skin and hair tends to be much dryer than white skin, so needs more frequent moisture/ heavier emollient to prevent problems.

An interesting blend of pro-circumcision and weather commentary from @popsiclehustler !

FGM is also an 'African tradition' and unfortunately it's been introduced in the UK stealthily and illegally and I suppose those who promote it say it's their culture. Male circumcision is not so common in the UK and is not necessary. Teach your boys good personal hygiene instead.

OP, gather your stength to stand up to your MIL & DH or gather up your bags and go to your DM's home.

An interesting blend of pro-circumcision and weather commentary from @popsiclehustler!

Yes, it's almost as if you could excuse being in favour of mutilating babies by throwing in polite small talk about the weather.

Tell her to go by the weekend and if she doesnt, you go.
Dont put up with this any longer

I don't think OP is coming back.
I really hope she is safe.

@PopsicleHustler Its cleaner and also the best way.

The best way is to mutilate a newborn. Wow!

I would never advocate making an irreversible and unnecessary decision on behalf of a child, if they want to be brainwashed when they're over 18 that's up to them.