My mother in law is driving me insane

[Mummytobe10101]

I’m going crazy. I gave birth 2 weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy. And my mother in law kindly came round and said she will stay with me to help me with the baby. I was happy with this at first but now I’m going insane and I want to cry. My partner really wants her here and finds it offensive that I want her to leave because he adores his mum and feels like her advice is invaluable. He is working at the moment so I am alone with her in the day. It is my mother in law’s culture for baby boys to get circumcised. Each to their own but I disagree with this. I despise confrontation but she has talked again and again today about when he’s going to be circumcised and both times I’ve said he’s not. She’s also criticising me because he’s having expressed breast milk instead of sucking from the breast. And she’s told me I’m not moisturising his skin correctly/ giving him constipation by not feeding him breast milk from the breast/ not feeding him enough just before bed/ the list goes on. And also she told me to massage his nose to make is smaller and mould it which really upset me. I’ve been in tears on the phone to my mum and she’s fuming. I just want to scream. I’m a new mum and I feel so judged and awful. Help :( :(

@areyoubeingserviced I hope your friend banned any future unsupervised contact with her MIL!

Ignore the circumcision advice. But the massage advice she’s giving is basically baby massage / baby yoga (I presume she’s south Asian judging from the nose moulding advice lol). You would do really well to learn it from her if you can because South Asian mothers of a certain age usually get taught how to do it. It really helps with wind / reflux - which tends to be more common with bottle fed babies anyway.

My partner ... his mum and feels like her advice is invaluable

Can I ask what your partner's views on circumcision are?

Because if he agrees with it - or even would quite like it done but hasn't said much - you've got much bigger problems than the current circumstances

I reckon that you need to sit them both down and tell them both that this time should be just you and the baby to bond and to build a routine so it can give you some alone time to just sit and read a book or to catch up on sleep or to catch up with the washing. Give them both a set date like the end of the week for MIL to go back home and if they don't agree just tell them that your mum has agreed to come and pick you up at the end of the week if your MIL doesn't want to go home it should all be meant for you your hubby and the baby to bond like a family of 3 not a family of 4

Yet another “I don’t want confrontation” thread.

I’ve been in tears on the phone to my mum and she’s fuming
Can you go to your mums.
This sounds horrendous and your DH is being no help at all.
Gather up some things and get to your mums as quickly as possible.
Don't tell them, just go.

Hi OP, congratulations on the birth of your little one I echo what previous posters have said - very well done to you for expressing your breast milk. It is not easy, and you sound like you are doing a wonderful job. You should be very proud.

I feel so sorry for you that you are being forced to put up with this. It always astounds me when I hear about new mothers being treated like this by women who were once themselves a new mother, and therefore should be capable of
showing a great deal more empathy and understanding during this time.

Your post makes me feel so angry and upset on your behalf. How dare she treat you like this. She is wrong on so many levels. And how dare your husband let her walk all over you. You are priority. Being a grandmother does not trump being a mother. You are in charge here. I totally understand not being a confrontational person, it is difficult at the best of times, let alone when you are at your most vulnerable state having just given birth.

However, that being said, you must find the strength to assert yourself as the only people being hurt in this is you and your baby. Do not think twice about offending her as she clearly doesn't give a toss about your feelings.
"No I will not mutilate my child and that is the last I will hear about this, it has nothing to do with you"
"Please keep your advice to yourself, I would like to figure out how to do this my own way. If I need help I will ask"
"I am following the current guidelines by medical professionals"
"I am fed up with this, please give me some space"

You need to send her packing OP, go and stay with your mum who has your best interests at heart. It will be the best thing you could possibly do.

Sending you all of the positive energy to deal with this, you can do it, I hope things get easier for you and you can enjoy this precious time with your little darling. Take care xxx

• Can I ask what your partner's views on circumcision are?

Because if he agrees with it - or even would quite like it done but hasn't said much - you've got much bigger problems than the current circumstances -

Why is this? Presumably they've both agreed not to do it, so whether in different circumstances he would have done differently (like about 30% of the world's population) seems to me not to make a blind bit of difference. The problem is that he isn't standing up to his mum.

Be careful here op. Don’t leave the baby u supervised. They’re likely to circumcise him without you and just ask for forgiveness after.

@PopsicleHustler
In my religion and culture, circumcision is important. We are not Christian's but we believe in jesus as a prophet and even good old jesus was circumcised! We circumcised both our boys close to newborns
Also, if it's your mil culture, what about your partner,doesnt he want baby to be circumcised too?

It doesn't matter if her partner wants to mutilate their son or not, the OP doesn't so it's not going to happen. 'Culture' is not a good enough reason to cut parts of your baby's body off.
The reason Jesus was circumcised is because he was Jewish, he wasn't christian. It's odd that you're using Jesus as a way to try to normalise this practice and encourage OP to do it.

This is dreadful. Her advice is misguided , utter bollocks and not helpful. Your right to privacy and not having this shoved down your throat must trump your husband’s wish to have his mother stay in your home.
You are totally in the right here.

Honestly, the only thing to do is to set an end date for her stay. Newborns grow extremly quickly and in the blink of an eye your DS will be massive.

I think this going on any longer will be far more damaging to your relationship with your MIL than the awkwardness of asking her to leave.

Stand your ground.

@Leglump Yet another “I don’t want confrontation” thread.

Such a helpful comment
I can't imagine why anyone would want confrontation. Especially having just given birth. She shouldn't have to confront her mil, her husband should be doing it. She could have pnd or will have if he doesn't do something about his mother.

But if you really are afraid to say anything (come on, you're the mother now - you need to defend your time with baby!) you should:

a) Get a lock installed on your bedroom door and not let her in
b) Tell your DH he needs to get on board with you
c) Tell her straight up that you want your own time with baby, and that her constant criticism is not welcome

@Ohtherewearethen hi there. I hope you're well and enjoying the warm weather.

Just wanted to let you know, in my comment I said its absolutely her choice to have him circumcised/breastfed/creams for skin.

Forcing a child to be circumcised is absolutely wrong and her Mil should never do that.
I was giving an insight into my experience on circumcision and why we do it. I never once encouraged the op to go ahead and have the baby circumcised. If I didn't want my baby circumcised and my husband did, I would try to let my husband know that I wasn't on board and tell him my side. But it us part of our faith and I understand the reasons.behind it. If it was an absolutely screaming horrendous procedure I would never have it done!!! Both my boys are safe and happy and healthy.

Jesus wasnt Christian, you're right. He was actually muslim. He was Jewish by ethnicity and yes, he was circumcised and in fact in the Torah and he prayed to Elah. Which is Allah in Aramaic the sister language of Arabic. I know it's not part of the post but In islam we believe in jesus but not as son of god. As a messenger and teacher sent by god. We dont believe he died on the cross either. We believe he was lifted to heaven before they got to him to nail him on the cross. God would never allow his prophet to die on such an inhumane way. I know this is off topic but just to give a little more info on jesus etc as you had mentioned it too :)

In my faith and culture, circumcision is a must. My boys were never in pain or squealing. It was done by a professional and was a very simple process. Anaesthetic was used and it was done by a professional doctor. My elder brother was also circumcised due to a health issue. None of us were arguing over it. We knew it had to be done. Its cleaner and also the best way. The reason I brought up jesus as an example is to show a lot of Christians follow him and maybe they too are circumcised and a lot of people on MN are Christian's.

I completely disagree with Ops mil forcing or recommending the baby to be circumcised. That's really not on. I would stand my ground myself if I was in her situation. And was also just curious to know if the father ie her husband is on board to have him circumcised as he likely is circumcised himself if it's part of his mums culture. That's probably the same culture he was brought up in. Either Jewish, african or muslim. Our family is Nigerian and mixed race and following the religion of islam, we are all practicing muslim. So it's also a thing in africa to be circumcised as a boy. But op should definitely not agree. It's her decision and dad decision together as a family.

Have a lovely day!

Your DH doesn’t seem to have your back. As often seems to be the way-you have a DH problem.

Forcing a child to be circumcised is absolutely wrong and her Mil should never do that. I was giving an insight into my experience on circumcision and why we do it.

Circumcising a baby is always forcing them to be circumcised, since the child has no choice in the matter. Culture and religion are no excuse for cutting bits off the body of a child who can't choose or defend themselves and who in any case may well as an adult not embrace the religion and not agree with circumcision.

Whatever your nationality, culture or religion, the only person who should be able to give consent for non-medically necessary surgery is the person on whose body it is being performed.

I’d be throwing her out!

It went down like a lead balloon when my MIL turned up without warning 2 hours after I arrived home with DS after a week in NICU and I’d had a horrific C section. She took pictures of my crying baby when I was trying to settle him instead of getting the hint I wanted them to leave (after 2 hours!)

Then she suggested she could give DS a bottle so she could ‘bond’ - he was EBF.

I got upset and cried and threw everyone out. I felt dreadful at the time but actually looking back I was reasonable and should of done it sooner.

Never again! Next time if people come uninvited I’ll be telling them I don’t feel like visitors and I’m bonding and feeding my baby and send them away!

@lazylinguist like I said I would not force my child into doing something harmful. In actual fact when we were at the clinic, a boy roughly 15 or 16 walked in . He was a new muslim and wanted to be a muslim and was getting circumcised himself.that was his choice.

Like I said , it's our way of life . It's obviously not the same as yours. Just like a lot of people like to smoke and drink and have tattoos. We dont. But others do. I dont sit criticising people who do either.

@Sparrow234 wow taking pictures of a crying baby. Hope things are better for you and your mil now. And your family is well

I'd tell her to get out of my house. Why aren't you sticking up for yourself?

@PopsicleHustler
Its by no means the best way or cleaner, it's barbaric.
If you want to go around lopping bits off your own children go ahead, but don't pretend your doing it with their consent or for any other reason than as an outdated religious practice. It's not about cleanliness at all.

OP get that woman out of your house, or move in with your mum until DH makes her leave. Tell her you'll parent how you want and point out that she's talking shit about moulding your child's nose and mutilating him. Do not let her get her way, she will only get worse.

@PopsicleHustler - she hasn’t seen DS since! He was in and out of hospital poorly for the first 10 weeks (they never offered to visit or help) and then life finally got back to normal and it’s been lockdown.

What a shame .... not!

Circumcision is barbaric and the height of selfishness. Stop trying to defend mutilating babies to make yourself feel better. It's revolting that as a mother you endangered your child like that. It's a practice that should be banned.

Just like a lot of people like to smoke and drink and have tattoos. We dont. But others do. I dont sit criticising people who do either.

That's a ridiculous comparison. Adults get to choose whether they smoke, drink or get tattoos. Baby boys don't get to choose whether they are mutilated.

If men want to be circumcised as adults, fair enough. Babies and children are not able to give consent to this, so if they are circumcised it is, by definition, forced on them.