My mother in law is driving me insane

[Mummytobe10101]

I’m going crazy. I gave birth 2 weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy. And my mother in law kindly came round and said she will stay with me to help me with the baby. I was happy with this at first but now I’m going insane and I want to cry. My partner really wants her here and finds it offensive that I want her to leave because he adores his mum and feels like her advice is invaluable. He is working at the moment so I am alone with her in the day. It is my mother in law’s culture for baby boys to get circumcised. Each to their own but I disagree with this. I despise confrontation but she has talked again and again today about when he’s going to be circumcised and both times I’ve said he’s not. She’s also criticising me because he’s having expressed breast milk instead of sucking from the breast. And she’s told me I’m not moisturising his skin correctly/ giving him constipation by not feeding him breast milk from the breast/ not feeding him enough just before bed/ the list goes on. And also she told me to massage his nose to make is smaller and mould it which really upset me. I’ve been in tears on the phone to my mum and she’s fuming. I just want to scream. I’m a new mum and I feel so judged and awful. Help :( :(

Tell your DH your mum is coming and moving in. I bet he’ll get annoyed and then say it’s either both or neither. Parity and all that!

Also to the posters saying the mil will secretly take the baby for circumcision, that's really not helpful, you're making the poor new mum even more anxious! Please be considerate with posts.

I went through this nine years ago and have never forgotten it. I cried to my DH and he just said she is only helping and will be here a bit longer. He cant hurt her by telling her to go etc..it was a big mistake and my very good relationship with my DH never recovered. I cant bear to be in the same room as MIL even nine years later. You need to nip in the bud now. She will have to go as soon as possible. Dont let her ruin this time.

Your DH needs to ask her to leave.

She's crazy, and not helping.

Oh goodness you poor love. MIL needs to leave now. I'm fuming for you. Tell her and your DH you don't need or want her advice, she's not wanted around and she must leave. If she doesn't respect you're wishes pack up, leave and go to your mum's with baby. Put your foot down now before it gets worse.

I'm happy with the way I'm doing things and I don't need any advice

Yep, that. Every time. Or maybe alternate with "things have changed..I'm following the current advice from health professionals"

I don't think you can rely on your DH so I would mention it to him one last time and if he doesn't listen then once he's at work I would have it out with her and just tell her you need her to leave now.

Massaging his nose to make it smaller? She sounds like a lunatic. Tell your husband you spend all day with her so it's your decision. Do not feel guilty. You can also say to her that you feel the times right to just have time alone with the baby so does she mind going back home for a while? Good luck.

OP,
Tell him she leaves or you do.
Pack a bag and go to your mother.

You need to be looked after, not bullied by her.

Protect yourself and your baby.

Fuck that, tell her to piss off home.
You don't need DH's permission to throw someone out of your house. He can go with her if he wants.

She will most likely call your dp but tell him she is going and you will speak to him when he's home. By the time he comes home you will have had atleast a few hours of peace and with her out might feel more able to argue your point

If you feel up to it, tell her to her face to go home. How are you supposed to feel comfortable and bond with your baby? If you can’t face it, ask your dh to tell her and if he won’t (why does he want her there when he’s at work all day?) then pack up and go to your mum’s until your mil buggers off.

This boils down to one thing, whether your DH puts your happiness or his own mum’s happiness first. The answer should be that you come first as his wife and mother to his child. If he’s not listening then go and stay with your mum until MIL leaves, no explanation needed.

Argh! Put your foot down NOW.
He is working at the moment so I am alone with her in the day.

So he won't see any of it, he won't be there, so bloody easy for him to say!
It is my mother in law’s culture for baby boys to get circumcised. Each to their own but I disagree with this. I despise confrontation but she has talked again and again today about when he’s going to be circumcised

This is the thing you have to be very, very very firm about - put your foot down NOW, no moving from it.
That's a parenting decision she has no right in just keep saying "no, he isn't going to be."
Even if she goes on and on about it and won;t take no for an answer, stand firm.
If you don't now, she'll be interfering for years as she knows she can , and it'll be a lot worse once the baby is older and knows what's going on.
YADNBU

He isn't there to put up with his mother saying all of this. His mother, his problem. She's out of order and needs to go. Nip this in the bud and give him an ultimatum, she goes or you go to your Mum's for some real support with baby. This is such a precious time, she's intruding and impacting upon your mental health and bonding with your brand new baby. She had her time when she was a mother, don't let her take away another minute of yours. You don't have to blindly agree to mutilate your baby because of her culture. That's bloody ridiculous, as is the rest of her advice.
You're amazing for putting up with this nonsense while finding your own way as a new mum. Hormones can cause you to take such a downwards plunge postpartum, don't let her ride roughshod over you. You are the mother, you are in charge. How dare he allow her to hinder you?

I would also talk to the HV and GP to say that mil wants her gc circumcised but that you don’t so that can something be put onto the child’s medical and hv notes to say no circumcision under any circumstances?

I would also talk to dh about it and say that if mil gets any ideas about getting it done behind your back, you will get her arrested for whatever the best charge would be - grievous bodily harm, or ??? And that you will include him in with it if you discover that he encouraged it or was involved in any way.

If mil tries to bring it up again, say that while it might be the done thing in her culture to mutilate boys genitals, it isn’t in yours so there is no way you are going to inflict such a dreadful outdated barbaric custom on your child, the more she talks about it the more determined you are that it will not happen, she has had her go with her own child(ren) and you know what is best for your own child and you don’t ever want to talk about it again. Then if she ever says it again point out that you have already agreed that it is not happening, that she can’t live her grandson if she wants to mutilate him and she had better go.

Good luck - you sound like a great mum who is doing a fab job in protecting and looking out for her son.

@opmamatrist
Also to the posters saying the mil will secretly take the baby for circumcision, that's really not helpful, you're making the poor new mum even more anxious!

To be fair, that's the first thing that popped into my head but I didn't type it, as you say makes people more anxious - only reason it did though is because I immediately thought of Bree in Desperate Housewives, "taking her grandson out for the day" and well.... you know.
Maybe the other posters watched that too
Seriously though, I know from experience that MIL's can sometimes not give a shit what you say and do what they like anyway, completely undermining you in the process so boundaries do need to be set in place now if there's something OP isn't happy with.

My fullest sympathies, you either need to get your husband to talk to her or get your mum to come round and if he complains about it tell him it's both of none as you need the support too.
At the moment no-one seems to be listening make yourself and baby priority or ask your MIL if she would let her MIL do to her what she's doing to you. If she goes quiet or avoids the question from then on I would tune her out

She is pressuring you into genital mutilation and talking about moulding his nose? Id tell her piss off.

I would also talk to the HV and GP to say that mil wants her gc circumcised but that you don’t so that can something be put onto the child’s medical and hv notes to say no circumcision under any circumstances?

This would be pointless. It's not usually done as a medical procedure in this way.

If it's Jewish culture for example, a Rabbi does it and won't be looking at medical records.

In other cultures there are also ppl who do it.

Just tell your MIL you're not having it done for your DS..and you'd rather she doesn't mention it again.

The moulding of the nose and circumcision are both things I've heard of in my culture too. Very outdated thinking that nose moulding stuff.

It's also common for either your DM or MIL to come over when you have a baby, but their meant to be helpful...not driving you up the wall.

You need her to go...or you need to get away from her.

I'd be packing a bag and taking the baby with me if your mum can have you over.

Just tell your H that you feel stressed and need to be with your mum.

Does she live nearby?

2 wks help is plenty...tell her thank you so much but now you want to look after your new baby alone & she needs to go home. Tell her you don't want to become dependent on someone else & you want to start your family of 3 routine (mins her!). I sayed with my Mum for 8 days after discharge from hospial & then I went home to another city with my baby & I was a single parent...a whole other story... but I def don't get this MIL moving in for a few months is normal. It isn't ...a bit of hekp whilst your body is recovering is great if you can get it...but after that you can mind your own baby. Be polite, be gracious...& get her out of your house. And tell husband no circumcision ...no way no matter what his mother thinks ..

• help..

First thing tomorrow morning when your dh has gone to work, book a taxi, pack her bags & send her home, use force if necessary. Then either move your mum in for a fortnight or go & stay with her. Use all the anger & unhappiness she has caused to give yourself the strength to kick her out, otherwise it will be next week, then next week & repeat, you will never get rid of her.