My mother in law is driving me insane

[Mummytobe10101]

I’m going crazy. I gave birth 2 weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy. And my mother in law kindly came round and said she will stay with me to help me with the baby. I was happy with this at first but now I’m going insane and I want to cry. My partner really wants her here and finds it offensive that I want her to leave because he adores his mum and feels like her advice is invaluable. He is working at the moment so I am alone with her in the day. It is my mother in law’s culture for baby boys to get circumcised. Each to their own but I disagree with this. I despise confrontation but she has talked again and again today about when he’s going to be circumcised and both times I’ve said he’s not. She’s also criticising me because he’s having expressed breast milk instead of sucking from the breast. And she’s told me I’m not moisturising his skin correctly/ giving him constipation by not feeding him breast milk from the breast/ not feeding him enough just before bed/ the list goes on. And also she told me to massage his nose to make is smaller and mould it which really upset me. I’ve been in tears on the phone to my mum and she’s fuming. I just want to scream. I’m a new mum and I feel so judged and awful. Help :( :(

Thank her for help but tell her that you now feel up to looking after your baby yourself and that you will think about her advice but want to make your own mistakes.

After a really long wait for the keys to our new house we finally got them tonight and my husband tells me that his mother is coming tomorrow to scrub the house and I am not happy about this as I want to do it myself...now he is odd with me and told me she’s been waiting so long to do this. It she have I am I being unreasonable? How do you even set bonderies without causing tension between all of us ?

I'd tell my DH that she's leaving. Either he can ask her, or I will. Up to him, really, but he wouldn't like it if I did it. If he balked, I'd leave him to his mother and go stay with mine. End of. It's your house, your baby and your life. He doesn't get to dictate it all. He thinks she's so important because she's his mother. Well, you're a mother too, and the mother of his actual child. Perhaps it's time you emphasized this fact.

You’re on the phone crying to your mum about another mum being interfering. I’m sorry, but I agree with the posters who say you need to be more assertive.

You’re a mum now, and if you don’t stand up for yourself and your baby now, welcome to your future. It won’t get better.

You need to nip it in the bud now. Thank her for her help, send her on her way and then find yourself some resources on assertiveness (and practise!).

Ask your husband whether he really thinks the advice about the baby's nose is invaluable, and if so why. If, as I hope, he agrees it's batshit, ask him why he respects any of her other advice about babies.

Ultimately if he wants her to continue to stay he needs to know that it's her or you. And you need to make it clear that you absolutely mean it.

Your DH is being a dick. If he won’t see that you don’t want her there then he’s useless. You’re going to have to tell her to leave yourself. If not, go and stay with your mum. There’s no way round it, you’re going to have to massively offend MIL. Even tho you’re in the right, she sounds the type to get in a right huff about it.

I really feel for you OP, this should be a happy time for you, without stress of feeling judged by someone who should be supportive.

Has your DH not backed you up about circumcision? I would be fearful that they would possibly get baby circumcised without your permission. You really need to be strong on this point.

It doesn’t sound like you have the strength to tell her to leave.

Could you say to DH that you no longer need MIL’s help and you want to look after baby alone or your mum will take a turn.

It’s a difficult one but you need to make your feelings known and be strong, this is your baby, MIL has had hers, this is your time.

Good luck.

Its absolutely your choice, to breastfeed directly from the breast or by bottle fed breast milk. It's also your choice to have him circumcised and what you do with his skin, what creams and lotions you prefer or even none at all.

In my religion and culture, circumcision is important. We are not Christian's but we believe in jesus as a prophet and even good old jesus was circumcised! We circumcised both our boys close to newborns.
As for the nose comments, my Dh relative came to visit us after one of our sons were born, be careful when breastfeeding him his nose is getting squashed in the breast,you dont want him to have a nose like a boat! We were all in hysterics. She sounded serious but we thought she was joking. Turns out she was just being light hearted and silly.
Have a word with your Dh and you mil just be nice but also stand your ground. This is your child and you will do things your way.
Also, if it's your mil culture, what about your partner,doesnt he want baby to be circumcised too?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My mother in law was slightly like this when I had my first son almost 6 years ago I very quickly nipped it in the bud. This is your baby, that you birthed and carried for 9 months. You feel you are doing the right thing and that is the most important thing! Sounds like you are doing a great job despite her, remember fed is best, doesn't matter how. big hugs

Send her packing op.
Dont entertain her backward ways and be firm from now. If you dont she will be pushing such nonsense based on 'culture' onto your baby. FFS that nose comment just shows how backward and ignorant she is. Tell your HV too, so that they are aware that this nonsense is being passed on to a professional person.

Pack your bags and go and stay with your Mum. Show your partner and his mother that you mean business.

This is a precious time for you and your DS OP, don't let MIL and DH spoil it further for you.

You're very vulnerable to PND in this situation. You need to feel supported by your DH and not criticised for your choices - at all but certainly not in your own home.
Time for you to reclaim your family space or it will most likely have major knock-on effects on your mental health and relationships.
Good luck OP.

OP YANBU at all! Please stand up for yourself to both your MIL and DH Take yourself off to your Mum's with your baby if needs be!

Poor thing :(

If your partner wants her there he should be the one home with her 24/7. As he's not it's your choice. Tell her thank you for all your help but you would like to be alone with your baby now. If she refuses go to your mums. And as others have said, never leave her alone with the baby. Get it put in his medical file that you do not want him circumcised, Incase she try's behind your back.

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. It really robs you of joy and completely undermines your confidence as a new mother at a time you need encouragement. I had similar from my mother and the only thing that helped was going NC. She was similar to your MIL on visits but when she wasn't here, she would inundate me with phone calls and texts. I warned her many times that I would go NC if she continued and she said she will not stop, so here we are.

@DeliaOwens this is what I also used with my mum but it didn't work at all. She would say things like white people don't love their children as much as Asians so they won't care, white people's medicine is not as advanced as Asian medicine, use your common sense etc. I refused to mould my newborn baby's head, nose and gums. Medical facts don't stand in the way of crazy.

Pack a bag and go to your mums and don’t come back till she’s gone.

If you were my daughter I'd be round today to collect you and the baby. Then I would go back later myself and pack for you and explain to your dh and mil that you would not be coming back until mil is gone. You are extremely vulnerable with a new baby, hormones, sleep deprivation etc. Has your mum suggested coming to her? You need space and support to clear your head...

My mother in law lives abroad and when we video called her after little one was born she said we needed to massage the nose lol we just ignored her... thank goodness we had a girl so no need to fight over circumsion, this time.

I'm picking up cultural vibes here. Have you letting hubby know that you're okay to manage now and that you would like to get used to normal family life??? Find a polite way to get her home..... I know if it's a cultural thing it would be unforgivable for you to be rude and follow half the advice given in this thread.... sorry

She needs to go. You and baby are the most important people at the moment if your partner want see that then he can go too.

Tell your mother in law you are not some barbarian who lobs off bits of her tiny baby and you won't discuss it again.

You MIL isn’t the problem here. Obviously she’s an idiot but that’s not a reason for subjecting yourself to this. Tell your DH that if she doesn’t leave you will and follow through. He’s a complete arsehole for not managing his mother.

Namechanging 2020 - what an excellent idea (irony). I'm sure that will lower the tensions in the household.

This is all about interference. You and your DH made various decisions, and she is unhappy with them. It is up to DH to grow a pair and tell her.

There's zero likelihood of the child being snatched and taken to a clinic for a snip. This happens in TV series, but rarely in real life....

Sorry Op, but I think that your dh is the problem . He needs to speak to his mother about boundaries and then make arrangements for her to leave.
If he refuses to do so, take your son and go and stay with your mother. Your mental health is paramount.

The golden time of you DH and your newborn DS all together is being ruined by your MIL, and babies grow so quickly, and you’ll remember how this time was spoilt, so do what you have to do to get MIL to leave.

Also if she gets hold of the spare keys to your new house she’ll either keep them or copy them so just No!

@samG76 - I once worked with a woman whose MIL took her baby granddaughter to get her ears pierced without the DIL’s knowledge.
I know that it’s not the same as taking a child to be circumcised, but it does show that some MILs will do just what they want.