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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a really awkward question

310 replies

TalkingToGhosts · 23/06/2020 19:05

‘Where are you from?’

I’m dating. I get asked it an awful lot.

I’m a white, English born Brit but have dark features. I tan well and get mistaken for Western European quite often. I might be misconstruing the question and they mean ‘where are you based’ - but that’s right there on my profile so I don’t think it’s that.

I feel like I’m being fetishised a bit. Well not me specifically, but the thought that I look Spanish or Italian and that sounds exciting to them.

And I never know how to answer. I’m not ‘born and bred’ in one county as I’ve moved around a bit so it feels awkward to answer.

AIBU or is it a bit rude to ask that a few messages into a conversation?

OP posts:
Chubbykneesstubbytoes · 23/06/2020 22:26

@flintyflint snap!

Where are you from?
Norfolk

No, where are you really from, as in heritage, part of the world?

It is sooooo rare that someone asks me where without them meaning which part of the world. Some people think I'm Native American, some Thai, Brazilian, Polynesian, Colombian so many thinks far more interesting that what I actually am 😂

Gwenhwyfar · 23/06/2020 22:28

"My Swedish friend swears this is a peculiarly British thing & most of the time if she says she's from X (in UK, ie where she lives) the follow up is no, where are you really from."

Well, yes, because she hasn't answered where she's really from if she's from Sweden! Where are you from doesn't mean 'where do you live?'.
I've lived abroad and mixed with lots of people who were foreigners there and where are you from was asked constantly, even more so among a group of expats/migrants.

ShandlersWig · 23/06/2020 22:29

I get the 'where are you from?', I reply 'Manchester', then get the 'where are you really from'. This has gone on all my adult life and Ive only just twigged what people really meant! I used to reply to the second question by going into the specific part of Manchester I came from, always slighly surprised by peoples keen interest in my birthplace Confused

Original poster
TalkingToGhosts · 23/06/2020 22:29

@Gwenhwyfar

"assuming I’m from somewhere European and then being disappointed when I’m not"

First you claimed you weren't Western European and I thought you confused Western with Southern and now you say you're not European either.
I'm not surprised people are confused about where you're from.

Oh don’t be so finicky, you know exactly what I meant from my OP.
OP posts:
CulturalDilemma · 23/06/2020 22:33

W

Gwenhwyfar · 23/06/2020 22:35

Talking - I honestly didn't understand your first post. I thought you typed Western Europe instead of Southern Europe, but apparently you don't think you're from Europe at all!

Winnerella · 23/06/2020 22:38

I wouldn't ask somebody just because they weren't white, I'd ask it because their accent was not local.

Or rather, not now, not now I've learnt on mn that it's rude. But honestly, in Ireland, to the older generation my mum's age, 70 +, it's rude not to be interested in a newcomer to the group. If you join up or join in and nobody asks you where you're from, you could be right to be offended!

CulturalDilemma · 23/06/2020 22:39

For me, "Where are you from?" actually means "Are you Jewish?" and on several occasions it's been meant in a negative way. I hate talking about my heritage to complete strangers because there's often some antisemitism coming up.

If you ask someone where they're from and they say London, just leave it at that. Please don't do the "Where are you really from? Yeah but where were you born?" thing as there's a reason why I don't want to discuss it.

Thisismytimetoshine · 23/06/2020 22:39

It's not rude. Or othering, or any other nonsense.

maryberryslayers · 23/06/2020 22:42

I get asked this constantly!! It's so annoying.

I do have some darker skin in my family but other features are more Caucasian.

I just keep repeating the city I grew up in like they are thick or hard of hearing.

Thingsthatgo · 23/06/2020 22:43

I get asked this all the time. I live in a city where a lot of people move to, so I think that’s why. I’m white but I have a European sounding name, so it could be that. My accent is a bit all over the place, so it could be that. Or maybe it’s just a conversation starter. It has never bothered me.

Incrediblytired · 23/06/2020 22:44

See I get stuck with this - hands up I’m white British - but I have so many friends from all around the world and they all love to talk about their home country, Zimbabwe, Croatia etc and I love hearing about it, different cultures to my own are exciting and interesting to me. I feel like I can’t ask though as its widely considered racist.

It’s a fine line between what is racist and appearing disinterested...

Harriedharriet · 23/06/2020 22:46

@princesspenny

YANBU I get asked this several times a day and I hate it!!!

Not dating but my job involves meeting new people every day. I am white, British mum, dad from central Europe where I grew up, lived in the UK over 20 years but I'm 'dark' and have a very slight accent.

I just feel like people are so keen to point out that 'you're not from round here' or 'you're not one of us'

I don't ask anymore having read a few of these threads but when I did it was simple curiosity. Along the lines of "I'll bet this person has had a more interesting life than me". I love hearing about different places, customs, food etc. I now read about it only. Seems a pity though!
cdtaylornats · 23/06/2020 22:49

The question "Where are you from" is so common in Dundee it led to the cities nickname of "Furry boot city".

HateIsNotGood · 23/06/2020 22:50

Aaah - I've read back now and the OP is describing an 'online dating' context - a context I have very little experience or knowledge of, so maybe the question "where are you from?" has a different meaning to the many other contexts that I've experienced.

I suppose the few people that said "I lurve your accent" may have been fetishingising de do bop - but generally, I'd still say no, generally a normal question.

Good Luck with your online relationship search OP.

Greyarabsdrinkthewind · 23/06/2020 22:52

I regularly travel to Glasgow I very much have an RP accent and am sallow skinned with dark hair and eyes. Everywhere I go Glaswegians (who are known for their friendliness) including shop staff say things like “your not from round here are you?” I like it they're being friendly. Assuming I can’t understand them as the accent is very strong they nearly always go on to ask where do I come from, what am I doing In Glasgow, have I visited X and Y, how long am I in Glasgow for and do I like Glasgow etc? I’m a country girl through and through but am a great fan of Glasgow and their obvious friendliness is one of its selling points. OP it’s nice when people are interested in you, questions like where do you come from are just friendly small talk type questions.

FortunesFave · 23/06/2020 22:52

I look Asian but I'm not...people often ask me "Are you half Chinese?" and I can see they think I'm lying when I say no....I don't let it bother me.

TheGoogleMum · 23/06/2020 22:54

It's hard to say, some people might mean what ethnicity are you but some might just be making conversation. When I moved into my flat 1st year at uni I asked them where they were from (meaning where in the UK). One girl asked me back did I mean what country? I felt awkward, I didn't mean she looked foreign (she was black) I just asked the same question I asked everyone else as none of us knew each other and I'm awkward at conversation at the best of times and it seemed like a fair getting to know each other question. Anyway I was worried she thought I was racist after that when I hadn't intended anything of the sort. Sometimes people just mean where did you live before you were here (or where do you think of as home). I bet some people do ask it in a more racist way though so I guess I can see why she would assume that

RiftGibbon · 23/06/2020 22:55

There are ways of asking.
"Are you local?" is more specific and polite in tone than "Where are you from?"
The only time I have ever asked anyone this was about 35 years ago when I was applying for a penal. And even then, it was "Where in (whichever country) do you live?"

Whatever someone's motivation for asking, it does sound very much like prying, disbelieving someone is the nationality they say they are, or suggesting that they are somehow other or inferior by being from somewhere foreign to 'here'.

Norabird · 23/06/2020 22:56

I'm white, blonde hair, blue eyes, born in England to English parents and I have been asked this a lot in life. I moved round the country a lot so my accent is a mish mash. I also find it very hard to answer. Mostly people mean where were you born and brought up but I moved to completely different places as a baby, at 2, at 5, at 8 and at 12! I don't feel like I'm "from" anywhere. So I find it awkward too!

"Where are you really from?" esp in the context of dark skin, is something a bit different though. A whole other level of inappropriate.

bridgetreilly · 23/06/2020 22:57

If they already know (e.g. from a dating profile) more or less where you live then yes, it's a dreadful question.

Immigrantsong · 23/06/2020 23:00

I am an immigrant and get this asked every day and everywhere. It's very taxing.

amy85 · 23/06/2020 23:01

I get asked this a lot on OLD they are usually just asking where you live

Dieu · 23/06/2020 23:05

Sorry, but you're overthinking it.

I agree that it's a boring and annoying question to have to answer though, particularly when asked several times! I would just have a stock reply ready to copy and paste Grin

Gwenhwyfar · 23/06/2020 23:21

"in Ireland, to the older generation my mum's age, 70 +, it's rude not to be interested in a newcomer to the group."

I thought it was odd when I lived abroad and people didn't ask! I didn't like being taken for a native of that country. I appreciate that I might have felt differently if I had dark skin or came from a poorer country.