To think this is a really awkward question

[TalkingToGhosts]

‘Where are you from?’

I’m dating. I get asked it an awful lot.

I’m a white, English born Brit but have dark features. I tan well and get mistaken for Western European quite often. I might be misconstruing the question and they mean ‘where are you based’ - but that’s right there on my profile so I don’t think it’s that.

I feel like I’m being fetishised a bit. Well not me specifically, but the thought that I look Spanish or Italian and that sounds exciting to them.

And I never know how to answer. I’m not ‘born and bred’ in one county as I’ve moved around a bit so it feels awkward to answer.

AIBU or is it a bit rude to ask that a few messages into a conversation?

I think people are just interested and it is a conversational ice-breaker. I have often been asked where I am from, and because we moved around a lot when I was young, I never really know what the answer is. Is it possible to be a bit over-sensitive about this - it may be nothing to do with appearance.

I don't recall having been asked where I'm from for ages. I'm pallid white with a pretty non-specific southern english accent.
But generally this isn't something I ask someone unless they have an accent I can't place - and in that case I tend to say that I am trying to place their accent. Last time I did this the person turned out to be a student from Brazil and we had a very interesting chat.

I'm Scottish but living in England and get asked "where are you from?". Although I'd think it's obvious by my accent but perhaps they mean what city. Anyway, I don't find it offensive, it's just a conversation starter...

I don’t mind it when people ask me (I’m white skinned but quite Mediterranean complexion but an Eastern European surname).

But I’m always careful when I ask other people to phrase it “where did you grow up?” That way, if they want to say “In Lagos and Bristol, my mum is Spanish and my dad is Nigerian” they can, but if they want to just say “Bristol” that’s fine too and it’s much less of a feeling you are trying to “other” them. I work with a lot of people who aren’t British and also who have grown up in international schools so are very hard to place from their accents, and I’ve found this is a safe way of phrasing the question to have a conversation without causing offence.

YANBU. At all. I have reddish hair, pale skin, blue eyes. Not much of an accent. I have never once in my 53 years been asked “where are you from”. You are not imagining this. And I this definitely offensive.

I don't find it annoying or offensive (I'm mixed race) but I do get confused as to weather they mean the fact I have a Geordie accent (live in London) or the colour of my skin so never sure how to answer. I always pick the wrong one

D'you remember Blind date on TV?

'So, Number One: What's your name, and where d'you come from?'

It really is the most basic and superficial of questions, and one of the easiest ways of getting a person to tell you a bit about themselves.

I agree absolutely with PPs who say that 'Where d'you really come from?' puts a totally different light on it, but I think you may be seeing the first, more innocent question, in that same light, when there's no need.

Completely normal ice breaker question. Where are you from could mean anything from Glasgow to Persia. It’s where you grew up. Most people do not see this as a sensitive question.

I’m of Italian descent, I look stereo typically Italian and people often guess it. But when I am asked where I’m from I say glasgow or scotland. Because I do not live there any more and that’s where I’m from. I grew up there.

I think maybe you’re too sensitive for on line dating and are reading something into a perfectly normal initial question.

And I this definitely offensive

Lol, get a grip, 🤣

I hate this question and wish people would find a different "ice-breaker". And unlike some PPs' experience, when they do ask it they are never happy with "I am local". They always probe with "Yeah, but where is this accent from?" People don't realise how othering and upsetting such questions are.

How is it othering?

Um, the UK is in Western Europe

I think she means Southern Europe. No ones mistaking her for a Belgian,,,🤪

People don't realise how othering and upsetting such questions are

You’re right, can you explain why it’s othering?

I don’t think it’s othering as such, but as I said - in person people have been disappointed when I’ve said ‘from the midlands’. Like they were expecting some exotic to them and I’m not, hence the ‘fetishising’ comment.

I am being a bit sensitive, but I did have one guy approach once and said ‘so let me guess, you’re Spanish’ and I said ‘nope, just a Brit with a tan’ and he said ‘Oh, okay’ and walked away. It was a bit weird but now I do feel like it is a loaded question.

I get this a lot. I’m white and it’s just general conversation - I’m from Kent but live in Somerset. It’s fairly rare I come across people here who actually come from Somerset, lots of people move here from elsewhere in the country or from abroad. It’s general chitchat for English people.

@JaniceWebster

This is a brilliant example of white privilege. I'm white and look very English. When I'm asked it I don't feel fetishised or that the questioner has an agenda. It doesn't take much imagination to understand how it's a very loaded question in other circumstances.

so if the same person uses the same standard small talk question, it only becomes offensive they are addressing a non-white person? Really?

I don't know whether it's offensive, but yes it's different depending on who says it to whom. All conversations are.

My DH gets asked this all the time because he looks different.
I have not been asked that question for as long as I can remember and he gets asked around once per week.
He is so fed up with being asked it. I'm so fed up with him being asked it!

YANBU, it is an awkward question and I wish more people would realise that.
It would be different it was relevant to the conversation and the asker had first offered information about where they are from, but usually, they are just being nosy and can't help themselves.

I have far more respect for those people we meet who are able to control their curiosity.

Who in earth asks him once a week?!

I'm and very english rose looking and in a very white area. I used to do a lot of boring networking and 99% of people were white. I would be asked it four or five times a session, as would everyone else, so no influence at appearance. It's a standard "show polite interest" phrase.

Where are you really from or pushing is something very different.

If it helps OP I get asked this a lot, even though I'm very obviously white British, living in England. It's tricky because I never know which bit of my life they want to hear about, so I end up giving the whole spiel of 'Born in Germany/raised in St Albans/moved to Cornwall/ have just driven to you from 3 villages over' to cover all bases!

Who in earth asks him once a week?!

Not the same person, different people!

but yes it's different depending on who says it to whom. All conversations are.

that's just being offended for the sake of it.

I'll reverse it: say I am going round the table at work and ask that question to everyone apart from the non-white there, I would piss them off, and rightly so!

We can't even play the "London" card, as it's a place where you mix with so many nationalities, races and religion. People move nowadays, it would be pretty offensive that every person in a smaller town is local...

I didn't imagine it was the same person . I find it hard to believe one person every week is interested in where he hails from. Who the hell cares where random people come from?

"assuming I’m from somewhere European and then being disappointed when I’m not"

First you claimed you weren't Western European and I thought you confused Western with Southern and now you say you're not European either.
I'm not surprised people are confused about where you're from.

@Bookoffacts This, exactly. l'm originally from the North East of England, north of Newcastle. l live in Yorkshire now.
l work on a supermarket checkout. At least once a shift (three times on Saturday!), l get asked where l'm from, as l clearly don't have a Yorkshire accent.
l think for a lot of people, it's just conversation, but l do appreciate it depends on how it's worded, and it could come across as intrusive or worse.
My ex's eldest daughter is very dark with dark eyes, and tans amazingly in summer. She's born and bred (going back generations) in Leeds. She used to get asked if she had Spanish or ltalian ancestry. Her younger sister is much fairer, like her mum, but with brown eyes. She's never been asked 'where she's from'.