To think this is a really awkward question

[TalkingToGhosts]

‘Where are you from?’

I’m dating. I get asked it an awful lot.

I’m a white, English born Brit but have dark features. I tan well and get mistaken for Western European quite often. I might be misconstruing the question and they mean ‘where are you based’ - but that’s right there on my profile so I don’t think it’s that.

I feel like I’m being fetishised a bit. Well not me specifically, but the thought that I look Spanish or Italian and that sounds exciting to them.

And I never know how to answer. I’m not ‘born and bred’ in one county as I’ve moved around a bit so it feels awkward to answer.

AIBU or is it a bit rude to ask that a few messages into a conversation?

Also get this. Dark hair, green eyes, olive skin. DH has been honest in the fact that he was originally attracted to me because he thought I was Spanish

Oh good god, I'm not British, I get asked that, it's just chit chat. Unless they folow up with some racist or weird comment, it's just chit chat. Imagine as a foreigner how much you get asked that. If I took offense just for the question by itself, i would be miserable all the time.

Also to add it doesn't bother me in the slightest

I get asked all the time but I am mixed heritage it doesn’t bother me it did as a child but that was more to do with racist remarks towards my non English side of family

I think where are you really from can be racist at times other times it’s not it’s a way of saying you don’t look English I get asked his more from non English people as they assume often I to am not from the UK (I was like this when I lived abroad)

Online dating it’s small talk and maybe they prefer dark hair/olive skin look. Online dating is about initially how someone looks not their personality

It can definitely be an unpleasant question, but if you are trying to get to know someone it's a part of who you are. Full disclosure, I'm white British. And most people have more than a one word answer. If I'm trying to get to know them I want that answer. So I'll mention the different cities I've lived in as I'm not only from one. And I'll mention that I have a Scottish parent because it's a part of my identity that most people where I live don't have. But it's a question I'd try to ask sensitively, none of the, 'No not London, where are you from originally?' stuff.

The reason I know I'm asked 'where I'm from' every time is because I've lived all over the UK.
The answer they want is Manchester or London or Glasgow or 'a little place outside St Ives'.

I used to say 'I'm from all over' but it annoyed people so now I say 'London'. Barely true.
The next line is Oh lovely do you know.... (!)... or ooh I went there once, went to trafalgar square.

It's normal conversation. It's about making connections.
You can't ask age and you can hardly start with book and film choices.

I get this too. I’m a dark (though grey now) haired, olive skinned Irish woman and some people find that surprising. I don’t think people are being racist, just curious.

I was asked this in London recently - pre Lockdown. (I am white British).
I answered, 'London'. The person was surprised. I was the first Londoner he had met that day, or week.
He was a market trader, and I guess this was part of his sales pitch.
Not sure where he was from, and I didn't ask.

I'm white living in a predominantly white area and get asked this a lot. I look like a local, but I'm not from here and have a mild accent people often can't place.

Unless there's undertones of "Where are you really from?" I think it's just first date small talk.

I'm white British and middle aged.
I get asked this nearly every time I meet someone new.
My accent is not local despite living in Bury for 40 years so it is a starting point for conversation. People use the information as a reference point eg When I tell them I'm from Telford they will say something like 'Oh I follow the Telford Tigers' or 'I like going to the Wrekin?'

You are getting what BAME people and immigrants (or children of immigrants) are getting.
It’s annoying like hell and often othering too.

To those who think it’s just normal conversation. Is that question one that people ask you automatically within 3 sentence? Or are people able to ask other questions, have some variation etc? Because I am sure it’s the second. I’ve seen it often enough. Whilst being on the receiving side of where are you from?

Im white, british name, english accent. I get asked this all the time. Its just a conversation starter.

I had an accidental awkward conversation with someone once where I asked this question and they took offence, thinking I was being rude because they were black. I literally meant where were they from, as I knew theyd just moved to the area.

Now I ask 'are you from round here' or something similar, 'are you from x city'

It is also sad that people can’t comprehend that you can be BRITISH and not have ‘typical’ BRITISH features.

Like friends of my ds saying that the black footballers from the French team weren’t really French :(

I’ve lived abroad quite a lot and used to get asked thgis a lot. I don’t think it’s rude. It’s a normal conversation starter. I can’t understand why anyone would feel it awkward to answer.

My kids are quite dark skinned and don’t have English accents. They still get asked where they are from. They tell me that they like it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Three of them don’t have a set country they feel that they are from. It’s a little unusual but hardly unheard of.

@QuestionMarkNow yes, I will literally get asked this question all the time.

My work involves meeting a lot of strangers and I would say its pretty much the first question after the weather.

yanbu

get this too and hate it

Yabu it's a bog standard question

OP it's a totally standard OLD question. I don't look anything other than pale and Scottish but get asked it every single time. It's highly likely they've not noticed or taken in that bit of your profile.

I get asked it too.. In my case it's simply I have a mild northern accent and live south. It's to do with how I sound, not look.
Interestingly when I'm up north, I don't get asked that, just told I speak posh, which I find far more irritating.

I used to get this a lot, although I'm white and have a very English name. People would speak to me in French, or Spanish most commonly. Then my hair went grey and I didn't look so Mediterranean and it stopped

@@TalkingToGhosts, re having lived in lots of places. I’ve done that too. I’ve just decided on one area/place. And give that as an answer.
Very few people will have a clue of what it means to have travelled like this. It’s way over the understanding of most people.
Those who will. Get it will know after a few conversations.

I don’t think it’s dating discussion stuff. Not to start with.

I ask people often - just friendly conversation. Wasn’t aware it’s offensive ....

It’s not compulsory to be offended by everything - it’s mostly chit chat. It beats What colour knickers have you got on.

I'm white british, live in Britain and get asked this all the time, particularly at work, it's just an easy conversation starter. I asked my DP really early when we met on an app as I'd never met anyone with (the particular spelling of) his name before, it's not a British name.

I do think 'where are you really from' is a different ball game though. That's rude.

I get how it might be a conversation starter over accent but I’m not even at that stage. It’s only ever a few messages in and feels a bit weird. Perhaps it’s just me being over sensitive that I don’t have an interesting backstory ‘oh, I’ve lived in x for y amount of years, but originally come from wherever’.

I do find it a bit of a rude question to ask though regardless so early on. Of course you might want to question that on a date but only three - four messages is odd to me.