To think this is a really awkward question

[TalkingToGhosts]

‘Where are you from?’

I’m dating. I get asked it an awful lot.

I’m a white, English born Brit but have dark features. I tan well and get mistaken for Western European quite often. I might be misconstruing the question and they mean ‘where are you based’ - but that’s right there on my profile so I don’t think it’s that.

I feel like I’m being fetishised a bit. Well not me specifically, but the thought that I look Spanish or Italian and that sounds exciting to them.

And I never know how to answer. I’m not ‘born and bred’ in one county as I’ve moved around a bit so it feels awkward to answer.

AIBU or is it a bit rude to ask that a few messages into a conversation?

Honestly, I'm white, pale naturally, and to me it's a normal conversation opener. People aren't looking to differentiate, they are feeling a bit nervous in a new situation and just hoping to find a point of common interest/ something they can talk to you about in most cases. If the tone is interested and friendly then I wouldn't read anything more into it.

I am married to a foreign citizen who happens to tan well, and he would take the same view. If people are being nasty you will know and deal with it accordingly, but most people are just interested and trying to strike up a conversation in my experience, just as they would with anyone.

I am sorry if you have had a different experience, it is not what I would want for you.

I think a politer question would be "have you always lived [here]" or "where did you grow up?"

I sometimes feel men ask it in a way that comes over letchy. I remember being asked if I was Swedish as though that was "sexy" and when I said no, my parents are just British, they looked crestfallen. I notice my ex had a habit of dating girls from other countries and he went so far as to suggest he thought it was a desirable trait. I find that very strange and a bit creepy. You either like someone's appearance and personality or you don't, why does what country they're from sway you?

I have a non English name so often get this. Doesn't bother me.

I also have been asked repeatedly "no, where are you really from"? when I say London as it transpires that loads of people say they are from London but aren't & some haven't met a born & bred Londoner before, don't think we are that unusual.

I get you OP. I'm white British, but am very dark brunette with dark brown eyes, and I definitely feel like I'm asked this more than average. I didn't pick up on it until a taxi driver said 'But where are you REALLY from? You don't look look local'. I've also been told many times 'But you don't sound local'. Also had people outright not believe me as a teen/young adult and I thought they were mocking me being well spoken, but didn't realise it was my colouring until the taxi driver. Yes it's an absolutely normal conversation starter so some people will think you are over thinking but they won't have been asked as often or as directly as you. More appropriate is 'Have you always lived localy' 'where did you go to school' 'are your parents from this town' etc 'where are you from' is just an annoyingly vague question regardless.

It's an easy conversation starter etc. People are always interested in where others are from. Not a big deal, have a conversation...

I am not British and was not brought up here - but I have a cut glass english accent!

Love it when people ask me where I am from and I say Italy. It is amazing how many people correct me - as if I don't know where I am from.

I am a v tall mediterranean skin colouring with blue eyes and blonde hair from my Scandi father!

I just laugh and say really, I think I know what I am - they look stupid, not me.

You feel you're being fetishised? That's a very very strange reaction to a perfectly normal question 😂

On blind date they used to say, My names xxx and I'm from xxx, I think you're over thinking thy question, they want to know what town you're from surely?

I'm white look very English but I get asked this on dates. You're reading too much into it/being sensitive/paranoid

It's just a normal question along the lines of discussing the weather - I've been asked the question many times in many places in my life including the UK.

I'm a blue-eyed blonde/grey (also been red-henna-head) and although my top half tans easily my legs haven't received the message on that.

I doubt my hair, skin and eye colours are why people are asking where I'm 'from'.

The only difficulty I have in answering the question is because I'm a British Mongrel and my dad's work meant we moved a lot, so I don't really feel I'm 'from' any particular place really - just attached to a few places, some I return to for long periods of time, like where I live now.

For me personally it would depend on the follow up question, for example,

Where are you from?
I am from London
No, where are you from orginally?
London.
Where were your parents from?

The first question is a conversation starter, the follow ups piss me off

For me, it’s happened more than once in person with someone approaching me and assuming I’m from somewhere European and then being disappointed when I’m not, so perhaps I’m projecting here.

I’m glad to hear it’s a normal question. I’m new to dating and it seems like an odd question to ask so early on. I’d ask about interests, job, etc. in early messages so it seems strange to me.

I’m Scottish, blonde hair, blue eyes and I get asked where I’m from very often. It’s because of my voice. My accent apparently is ambiguous so people are curious. It is simply a conversation opener.

I get asked this all the time, from people I've just met as a conversation starter. I'm very much white British. I also ask other people who I meet in the course of my working day this question (I only get to spend a small amount of time with clients but want to make them feel at ease in an awkward situation) I ask as a genuine conversation starter and especially if they have an accent or foreign sounding name, as a means to getting them to open up and talk about themselves. Everyone loves to do that don't they? I'm starting to wonder if I'm being offensive now, but I always manage to find common ground and I'm sincerely interested to hear people's history 🤷‍♀️ Nobody ever seems offended?

YABU

It's small talk - it would never had occurred to me that it wasn't a safe and generic question.

If you reply "from London" and people insist, it's just because it is really rare to actually meet Londoners born and bred from zone 1 - 2 at a push...

Taking an interest in where someone is from should be viewed with the curiosity in which it's asked. It's a terrible thing if you can't take an interest in a person. Sadly, you ask this now and it's "racist". More and more I'm understanding that these so called "micro-aggressions" are an excuse to cause division between communities. To reiterate, taking an interest in another person is a good thing.

I think its a normal question along with 'what do you do?'. These are the starter questions we all use,

But tone is everything and 'where are you from' in a certain tone and body language could be mean but I would say the majority of the time people just want to start small talk.

This is a brilliant example of white privilege. I'm white and look very English. When I'm asked it I don't feel fetishised or that the questioner has an agenda. It doesn't take much imagination to understand how it's a very loaded question in other circumstances.
@PatriciaHolm's video explains it well.
Full disclaimer, I've lived all over the world and often used to use 'where are you' from as a conversational gambit, because I often knew the place. But I know better now.

Get it all the time. I live in the SE. It’s just a question. Making conversation.

Well I’ve got blond hair and blue eyes and I get asked that often and it’s been suggested I look a bit Scandinavian.

Clear as day I’m from here so I just think it’s a conversation starter.

It has gradually dawned on me over time that 'where are you from' is a loaded question here - I grew up in the ME and it was a very normal question there! Mind you, back then you were 100% considered to be from wherever your parents were from, as so few of us were native to the region.

I have had to not-exactly-defend myself a few times with it, actually. I asked someone where he was from (as in, making small talk - he was the husband of lady I knew at a baby group) and he said 'Well what does that question even MEAN, exactly?', with a bit of an edgy tone. I answered cheerily that that was a good point as my mum was from country A, my dad from country B, I grew up in country C and now here I am in country D, and I'm not even sure where I'm from myself! So it can be complicated, can't it. Cue gay trill of laughter. He looked a bit sheepish after that and we had a nice discussion about families and backgrounds, which is all I'd really been after in the first place

In answer, OP, sometimes it's off and sometimes it isn't (apparently)!

This is a brilliant example of white privilege. I'm white and look very English. When I'm asked it I don't feel fetishised or that the questioner has an agenda. It doesn't take much imagination to understand how it's a very loaded question in other circumstances.

so if the same person uses the same standard small talk question, it only becomes offensive they are addressing a non-white person? Really?

Also got asked it a lot when dating. I’m white with a generic English accent. It’s just a thing people ask other people when dating. Are you always this sensitive?

My Swedish friend swears this is a peculiarly British thing & most of the time if she says she's from X (in UK, ie where she lives) the follow up is no, where are you really from.
I've seen it 3 times with Irish people living abroad & ended in who they knew in common 😀

I’m a white, English born Brit but have dark features. I tan well and get mistaken for Western European quite often.

Um, the UK is in Western Europe.