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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a really awkward question

310 replies

TalkingToGhosts · 23/06/2020 19:05

‘Where are you from?’

I’m dating. I get asked it an awful lot.

I’m a white, English born Brit but have dark features. I tan well and get mistaken for Western European quite often. I might be misconstruing the question and they mean ‘where are you based’ - but that’s right there on my profile so I don’t think it’s that.

I feel like I’m being fetishised a bit. Well not me specifically, but the thought that I look Spanish or Italian and that sounds exciting to them.

And I never know how to answer. I’m not ‘born and bred’ in one county as I’ve moved around a bit so it feels awkward to answer.

AIBU or is it a bit rude to ask that a few messages into a conversation?

OP posts:
CountreeGurl · 23/06/2020 23:23

It is an ignorant question, why should you be from anywhere but the UK? I assume they are asking your heritage, but white people never get asked that

MandalaYogaTapestry · 23/06/2020 23:24

It may feel OK to native British people but certainly not OK to those who were born elsewhere and live in the UK now. It is othering because the question is asked once they hear the accent and they do want to know specifically "Where are you really from?"

Judging by this thread, natives genuinely don't mean any offence. But it is still offensive because despite me living in the UK for way longer than I did in my country of birth, I am still picked up as a foreigner, instantly. If it is difficult to understand then just take my word for it. Most, if not all, UK citizens of foreign origin do hate being asked where they are from the second they open their mouths.

tubbatops · 23/06/2020 23:24

If you ask someone where they're from and they say London, just leave it at that.

That's a tad simplistic.

pippitypoppitypoo · 23/06/2020 23:27

If you're worried about being fetishized - but people go off you once they realise you're not as exotic as they hoped, then you are better off steering clear. Sounds like a great red flag to watch out for. So it's not rudeness as much as it is yucky creepiness. Don't waste your time worrying if you have been a victim! Im mixed and the worst kind of fetishizing for me has been posh white girls who want an ethnic friend. Or the type of people who go on about how beautiful mixed race babies are. I find them highly suspect.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 23/06/2020 23:30

It's a totally normal question - but very fashionable to object

tubbatops · 23/06/2020 23:31

If you reply "from London" and people insist, it's just because it is really rare to actually meet Londoners born and bred from zone 1 - 2 at a push...

Is it though? This is what people say to me but I don't think "we" are that rare.

tubbatops · 23/06/2020 23:37

Can I just say that one reason I ask follow ups to the London question is because I've lost count of people I've met where we have some connection. DH who I met at Uni but was from SE London had friends in common & our mums had a mutual friend. It's quite a small world in some ways.

CulturalDilemma · 23/06/2020 23:40

@tubbatops

If you ask someone where they're from and they say London, just leave it at that.

That's a tad simplistic.

It's simply none of your business where I'm "really from". One question is okay, a constant list of questions is not and it's as if you're accusing the person of lying. There is very often antisemitic involved, even if you weren't being antisemitic we're going by past experience.
Chocolate1984 · 23/06/2020 23:40

I’m Scottish, live in a Scottish city and I get asked where I’m from originally, I think I have a slightly different Scottish accent to this area. I just thought it was standard small talk.

TuMeke · 23/06/2020 23:44

I think there’s a difference between asking where someone is from, and the follow up of ‘no, but where are you from, originally‘. The former is just normal, getting-to-know-you chitchat, the latter is where the Othering starts. I sometimes respond to that with ‘oh, are you asking why I have brown skin?’ if I am feeling snarky...

And re people losing interest as you’re not from elsewhere, tbh I’m grateful when the exoticisers reveal themselves; I’m not interested in being around anyone who is looking to fetishise my skin colour!

Louisesp82 · 23/06/2020 23:50

I get this a lot, it doesn't bother me at all

Lilymossflower · 23/06/2020 23:52

I've always got this question from people very often

It always confused me because when I say I'm from England they say 'oh really?' and are suprised and say i look french or Spanish or Indian or otherwise foreign
I realised it must be something in my features even though I'm English as far back as I know

So I can relate however I don't know if they mean anything weird by it or if they are just curious

JaniceWebster · 23/06/2020 23:53

tubbatops

Is it though? This is what people say to me but I don't think "we" are that rare.

You must be, because 8 times out of 10 people end up either living in Greenwich/Bromley/Clapham/Surrey... or being from any other part of the country.

Usually people do not actually care where you come from. It's just a way to small talk, it opens so many discussion about places people have been/visited/have family/friends/worked...

If people like some of the posters on here get offended by that question, it's pretty obvious they'll be a lot more offended about anything else. It gets hard to talk!

callmeadoctor · 23/06/2020 23:58

Totally normal icebreaker question, you are way overthinking it OP!

tubbatops · 23/06/2020 23:59

I guess it doesn't seem unusual to me as all my childhood friends are Londoners, same as DH. My parents are also immigrants likewise for all my childhood friends which again is pretty common for those born in London.

callmeadoctor · 23/06/2020 23:59

Also, why is it rude, to ask where you are from?

LHReturns · 24/06/2020 00:02

If I was dating now I would be genuinely scared about what IS ok to say.

I am interested in people and places they were from, and other places they have lived - I would ask them about this fairly early on because I would actually care. I’m not sure I worry about the precise words I use (I would not add a ‘really’ at the end - that is peculiar). But generally I would hope that people prefer to assume the best of someone’s intentions and questions, and not agonise about being misinterpreted.

I would not tend to start asking about someone’s job because that can be interpreted as trying to quickly assess their prospects or income.

Obviously we don’t ask about age, or if they have kids, or education, or where they currently live, or their family - as those questions could be misunderstood.

So what ARE ok early questions to ask someone new? And at what stage can you move to the next level of questions, so they won’t feel offended.

I couldn’t ask about ‘hobbies’ without choking on the word...and very few answers would appeal...cycling, running, gardening, reading, gym, drawing etc etc - BLEURGH - don’t want to know (because I work full time and have two children so I haven’t had a hobby - other than drinking and sleep - since my early 20s).

dontgobaconmyheart · 24/06/2020 00:09

I am white british with no features whatsoever that would spark the imagination as to me being 'from' anywhere else. I still get asked it when I meet new people and often ask it myself. It's small talk. Part of getting to know a person is knowing what town/village/city they were born in or grew up in or where they went to uni. It's pretty classic easy conversation and I genuinely find it interesting and often revealing to hear about someones hometown and it's quirks, what living there was like etc, where are their parents living now or any other thing to do with getting to know their life.

It is a very different question to re-asking where a person is 'really' from based on looks or skin colour, which is clearly coming from a place that is ignorant. I wouldn't presume to mind read about anyones life on any topic unless they told me themselves. Surely anybody could hail from anywhere regardless of their appearance.

I think a lot of it is context though OP if you felt it was that or the conversation gave off red flags. Walking away is for the best. Nobody should be made to feel that way.

maddening · 24/06/2020 00:10

I am white but my dad's family are immigrants from Eastern Europe in the late 40's, so my surname is "foreign", I always get asked about it, it really does not phase me.

If you have an English accent they probably are not thinking you are foreign? It is just part of conversation, and whilst you may live in eg London now you may have grown up elsewhere in the UK.

TypingError · 24/06/2020 00:11

I was born and raised in Leeds and I've lived in Plymouth for several years. Barely a day goes by when I'm not asked where I'm originally from. I don't mind. I don't think it's a loaded question. It's just small talk.

LHReturns · 24/06/2020 00:15

Is it possible that the poor bloke asking the question walks off because you make it abundantly clear that you are offended by the question?

TypingError · 24/06/2020 00:15

but white people never get asked that

Don't talk daft, of course they do. I'm a northerner in the south. My accent gives me away. I get asked every day and it doesn't bother me a bit.

saleorbouy · 24/06/2020 00:25

My answer is always, its tricky. Do you mean where was I born, where have I lived or where do I live now. I have a very mixed accent so no one seems to be able to pin point my home town.
I think for most people it's a way of leading into other questions to find common ground and interests to freely chat about. I would'nt take offence.

Lockdownlooks · 24/06/2020 00:26

Where are you from is usually just a small talk and absolutely fine, I don’t have a local accent. Chatting about my town/other stuff and then asking about heritage is fine.

The Following in a certain tone of voice not fine and veers from annoying to scary and definitely time to social distance or get straight to what they are really getting at.
Where are you from? Nottingham, now live in Birmingham (example),
but where are you really from? Nottingham
Where were you born? In Nottingham
but where are your parents from? India, then sometimes
Are they doctors or shopkeepers?

thatsnotgoingtowork · 24/06/2020 00:33

I used to get asked that all the time because I had the wrong accent - white British, living in northern England, lived there since I was primary age but my parents were from other UK countries and we moved around a lot until I was late primary. I just never picked up the local accept and spent the next 10 years being asked where I was from (and being informed "yer net from roond ear" til I moved away.

then I kept on being asked, but at least I really wasn't from where I lived any more! I kept moving every few years myself til I had kids, but I've determinedly stayed put with them so they can have roots ... Not sure it's totally worked as I'm still not from anywhere apparently, so they're still 1/2 rootless and a bit foreign due inherited placelessness...

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