To think this is a really awkward question

[TalkingToGhosts]

‘Where are you from?’

I’m dating. I get asked it an awful lot.

I’m a white, English born Brit but have dark features. I tan well and get mistaken for Western European quite often. I might be misconstruing the question and they mean ‘where are you based’ - but that’s right there on my profile so I don’t think it’s that.

I feel like I’m being fetishised a bit. Well not me specifically, but the thought that I look Spanish or Italian and that sounds exciting to them.

And I never know how to answer. I’m not ‘born and bred’ in one county as I’ve moved around a bit so it feels awkward to answer.

AIBU or is it a bit rude to ask that a few messages into a conversation?

Yep and what’s worse is the follow up of “no I mean where are you really from?” “Where are your parents from?” Etc

To be honest, I always ask people where they are from if we end up talking. I'm just generally interested. I'm from Liverpool myself and people know where I'm from as soon as I speak but they will sometimes even question me further asking what part, do I live by Anfield etc do I listen to the Beatles haha (oh an do I have a job and do I steal cars too🙄... ) nah, I wouldn't take offence. I love speaking to different people simple as 🙂

@GalaxyGirl24 - your comments are spot on. There are many YouTube videos that I’ve just googled showing the ‘where are you really from’ question which are so true - funny , because they are so true. One I watched with 2 Asian people inverting all the usual questions posed to them, to white people. In that context the questions look so absurd.
Be much easier if people really were open with their questioning and said straightaway ‘why are you brown?’ from the off - then at least you’d know for sure , rather than them tiptoeing around for 10 minutes until they get there anyway (obviously joking but we all know what they mean) I’ve let people ask for ages, question after question, and I act that I have no idea what they mean , knowing full well they don’t really want to know what hospital I was born in , but why is my skin light brown/olive coloured when I’m claiming to be English! (And as I’ve said further up the thread , due to illegitimacy in my family tree it is impossible for me to satisfy their curiosity and they think I’m lying if I tell them that anyway! I can’t win)

In America, white Americans often ask each other where their families came from originally, and will ask Latinos too. It’s a friendly question for friends who are getting to know each other better. People love to answer and take a lot of pride in their heritage. Sadly, black Americans are never asked, unless they have an African or Caribbean accent. They aren’t asked because everyone realises they don’t really know. It’s a source of pain.

Being able to say where you are from, share it, and take pride in it is a privilege. It’s also a typical question in immigrant nations.

Perhaps, as the UK becomes an immigrant nation this is to be expected? White people with typical British accents won’t be asked because everyone already assumes answer. I’ve met white British people who wished they were more interesting and had a more distinct identity.

I’m trying to say, it’s wrong to make people feel less or other, but as Britain becomes a melting pot it’s best to see casual comments and light chit chat in the most benign way possible.

@StamfordHill I recognise the question as mainly borne out of curiosity, but why, as a stranger would someone think it acceptable to ask such a personal question.I really do find it odd and unnecessary - like I said, unless the person speaks a different language or there is some sort of misunderstanding there is no need for a person to want to delve into my grandparents lives/my life to find out the reason for my skin colour. It's sad that people struggle to interact on a purely human level, despite the fact that many of the people, who when challenged after asking the question would say: 'I'm not racist/I don't see colour/We are all one race'. 🧐 Strange how you don't see colour but it's the first thing you asked me/noticed.

It is really nice that you've never been asked the question in an overtly malicious way, however, I think it's fair to say that a lot of the racism in the UK is quite insidious and doesn't need to be out and out racial slurs to have a negative racial undertone.

Also, who decides who is indigenous to a country now? How many generations will it take before black/Asian/brown/minority people are recognised as native to the UK? I am mixed race, I'm not 'indigenous' to any country. I think the assumption from people that anyone of a darker tone is 'in most cases' not native to the UK is quite damaging as it doesn't acknowledge a common identity and instead seeks some sort of separation/distance/otherness from that person rather than a shared trait.

I get it OP.

I also get the slightly separate but very much related issue of this question being othering when people are actually from elsewhere.

Both things, to me, boil down to a really thoughtless desire to pigeonhole and stereotype. There is no place for that. I’ve had this question a lot and it’s never been anything but stereotypes even from seemingly broad-minded people. Occasionally, as a PP has said, it’s been an outright excuse to be “anti” the perceived attributes of my background.

To those saying “get over it”, can you imagine the pressure and anxiety this sort of question creates when you’re from elsewhere and it’s 50/50 whether someone says something that is at best banal or whether, unprompted, they start to trot our ignorant political/racial stereotypes.

It’s also way too personal a question for superficial conversation. I really hate it and, I’m afraid, judge harshly when relative strangers ask it. I hope it will become outdated in the same way we don’t (usually!) now ask “any kids/why not/having another soon?”. It’s as personal as an icebreaker and you’ve no idea of the backstory.

To all those who have said they try to ask wider questions like “where did you grow up”. That’s much better and leaves a lot of room. I always appreciate that.

To those who think “where is your accent” from is an acceptable alternative - please don’t. It’s like saying “it’s instantly obvious you’re different/a foreigner” and is especially off-putting if the person being asked has English as a second/third etc language, because they’d have worked hard on it.

You don’t know what history people have with being welcome/unwelcome, don’t stir it up. If all is well and people are super comfortable with their dual heritage/background, as some PPs are, great, and they’ll tell you in time. But be aware that the upset you may cause to someone with this “innocuous” question will far outweigh any ice-breaking you may do if it lands well.

Things not to ask people:
"Where are you from?"
"Where are you really from?"
"Have you got a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?"
"Are you a single parent?"
"When are you getting married?"
"Are you going to be starting a family?"
"Are you pregnant?"

Erm, I'm (very) white and English and get asked this all the time in small talk conversations.

It must be annoying to wonder if there's something else behind it if you have reason to, but if my experience helps, there's no particular reason to think there is! It's just a conversation starter like "what do you do?" or "how do you know host?"

I mean, I suppose all small talk could be said to be 'sizing you up' if you really want to see it that way, but most people are just looking to pass the time of day in a friendly way by showing an interest in you, I expect.

Millions of people get asked this every day OP. Considering we live a a country that has been multi-cultural for a long time, most people do look like they ‘are from somewhere else’. Plus dark genes are more dominant, so there’s a hell of a lot of Southern European looking people about. It’s a general chit chat question. Yes, it might piss someone off. But looking Spanish or Italian is hardly considered exotic, and actually extremely normal. UK is historically mostly made up from European settlers, so you’re either going to have northern/eastern/Southern European in you aren’t you.
If it annoys you, tell them you’re from x town and change the subject. If it doesn’t annoy you and you like it, carry the conversation on. It’s such a common question to ask someone. Especially if they are trying to rub your ego/impress you