Is this fair? Finances related.

[Budbudbud]

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

From next month he should start to get an income from his property again, so I would probably focus the chat on how you are going to divide your finances then

I get the rationale, but considering he's been able to save the thick end of £2000 this month I really wouldn't want to leave it that long

The very last thing OP needs is for him to get the impression she can be bought off with a few baseless promises for the future

All his good points don't outweigh his financial abuse, and any abuse from a man, means that he isn't a good guy that just has his bad points.

The fact that he told you his savings were non negotiable, when he should have been paying for the food he ate, is enough to dump him.

@frazzledquaver he CAN afford to pay OP, he put £300 away in savings, AND £1500 into an investment.

Sure, he should absolutely pay her the difference (i.e. increased cost of council tax, food bills, any extra on the water/electricity) for now. I just don't think I'd take rent off someone if they moved in with me thinking they could cover their mortgage through Air BnB of their property, and then they couldn't. But I think for the OP, having the conversation about how they will split things after 4 July will be the crunch. I think that conversation will tell her everything she needs to know. On the investment, it might be that is a fixed cost for him (i.e. he can't take a break for paying it). The £300 to the savings account, absolutely he should be paying towards food/bills/etc.

"The very last thing OP needs is for him to get the impression she can be bought off with a few baseless promises for the future" - yes, totally get that. I think she'll be able to tell though by how he reacts.

Wow. He lied about being able to afford food and decided he didn't need to even pay towards bills so he could profit off a single mother, some folk really are scum.

Good luck op.

Is this guy an idiot?

He moves out of his house so HE can profit from air bnb but thinks he doesn't need to contribute to living in your house because YOU would profit.

What is he smoking!

This is madness. You are paying rent (so for someone else’s mortgage) for which you will have nothing to show. He is paying a mortgage (for which he will have something to show) plus he’s renting his house out.

He’s setting himself up to be in a really great financial position (homeownership and significant savings) on the back of you paying all your rent with no contribution from him, whereas you will end up in an insecure position (renting) with a child to care for if you split up

He needs to pay half of all the bills including rent.

He is surely using utilities, therefore he should pay towards them. Rent I would say he should pay towards, but it's a bit more understandable if he doesn't. Food and utilities though, definitely. He needs to use his savings, if you let it slide now he won't pay again.

You can do this, my partner moved in with me recently no way would he not pay up and I know how much your bills must have gone up by. If he is a decent person he will understand. Good luck.

still not sure how I'm going to start the conversation

What about. "I'd like to discuss our finances. I'm worse off since you moved in. You're still putting money away. That's not fair. How do you suggest we resolve it"

Be prepared.

Tbh I know you want to give him a chance, but nice guys dont move in with a single mum and child then expect to be housed and fed.

When the situation isn't straightforward eg one if you has a child. You sit and discuss how to make sure it's fair to both parties. Not "you pay now so it wont be any different".

He's honestly not really a great guy.

Good luck OP. Hope the conversation goes well.

Tell him that you can't afford to buy him food as you have to put the money into savings.

You were so worried about being seen as a gold digger, you didn't realise you'd moved your very own gold digger into your house.

Ask him for your half of the money hes saved for you both and see if he coughs it up. Then you'll see how much "both" means....

Good luck OP...stick to your guns re the savings he's making by living off you and watch out for (more) future faking while protecting himself financially.
If he gave you more money to pay his way then you could save in your name too, for when you get a house together (but still have it if you don't).

Savings in joint names, requiring both signatories for withdrawal.

Means nothing if one of you can just empty the account on a whim ('I saw the chance to get a better rate in my own account, I forgot to mention it to you')

Be prepared for the "but how can you not trust me?!" wailing when you mention the savings being put in joint names. You need to say something like you expect to have an equal partnership, and as you've lost out to enable the savings, he needs to trust you with what is supposed to be your joint financial future.

Pp has a point about both signatories for withdrawal - protects him as well.

In short, trust should go both ways, not flow only from you.

OP you need to get rid of him. The money issue is the cherry on top of this nonsense. Get shut ASAP!!

@Budbudbud

Thank you all for your messages and convincing me I'm not being stupid thinking this isnt fair, I will speak to him tomorrow (dont have the energy tonight and I'm still not sure how I start the conversation) for the record he is a nice guy in every other way and he is great with my child so i dont think it's right just to end it UNLESS you are all right and when i talk to him he tried to turn it all around on me.

I'm going to tell him it isnt fair he is saving.money and buying stocks or whatever and i am left broke at the end of the month and if he says that it's no different than before I will tell him where to go because I would rather be skint on my own than taken for a ride. He either coughs up a decent amount a month or the saving go in joint names and nothing less than that will be good enough.

You are all right I need to put my child first and be stronger. Thank you.

He's not a 'nice guy'. A nice person would never do this to you. You don't have 'the energy' for a conversation because you're talking to a brick wall. Even if he 'coughs up' now, this is who he is. He's someone who will always put you, and your child secondary to himself.

He picked you out for a reason, OP, and it wasn't for love, I'm very sorry. You're still not seeing it. Savings in joint names and he'll put more into his own.

He doesn't love you, Bud. He loves himself and his purse more and you're still not seeing it with this 'decent amount into savings in joint names', you are paying to feed and keep him! He's an expensive pet.

I feel sorrier for your child, because you're an adult and have the say in it and a child has to put up. You continue with this man and he'll utterly wreck both your life and your child's and any other child you have because ultimately he loves himself and his golden calf the most.

It isn't fair? You should be furious, you should never have let him move in with that sort of grabby, entitled attitude he has.

You have low boundaries and low standards and this man knows exactly how to prey upon both.

How sad. Really sad.

He's not great with your child, he's stealing from her. He's not stupid, he'll twist it round and manipulate you so he can carry on, he already has, he moved in 6 months ago with I'll pay for some food and now he doesn't.

disobedienthamster bit harsh.

I have spoken to my mum who was equally as appalled. I have also just done some sums and with my increased utilities and council tax and food bill he is costing me about £150 a month.

I'm thinking of fair solutions, how does this sound....we add up what everyone's bills are and split it in two, that alone makes me about £150 better off. Then we open joint savings and the £1800ish he has put in his savings since living here goes directly in it.

He must also put £200 a month in to my bank account to cover food. My food bill used to be £40-£50 a week for me and DD and looking through my bank statement it has gone up to about £90 a week.

I am going to have the conversation tonight I just want all my facts right and what I actually want to.make it fair sorted first.