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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this fair? Finances related.

339 replies

Budbudbud · 23/06/2020 16:37

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 23/06/2020 20:06

Also, it completely shocks me that he is SAVING while you are skint and he STILL expects you to fund him!?

category12 · 23/06/2020 20:15

Why don’t people get this stuff ironed out before moving in together.

They did talk about it beforehand - it's just OP was manipulated into a rotten unfair deal.

guffaux · 23/06/2020 20:17

how did you both negotiate the finances before moving in together?

  • were dates costs split?

-did he come to yours for meals etc regularly-did he contribute?

  • what happened with costs when you went out?

do you think he has softened you up by taking your resources for granted to see what he could get away with?

Ilovechinese · 23/06/2020 20:22

He is using you! Make him cosy up or for rid of him!

DisobedientHamster · 23/06/2020 20:33

You cannot have a rational conversation with him because he is a tight, financially abusive bastard. That's the bottom line. He will NEVER change, in fact, he's got worse, he paid a paltry sum for food and now he's not even doing that.

No man is worth paying for to live in your house.

Men like this often target single mums of young children desperate not to be a 'gold digger' or 'grabby'. They also future fake with talk of saving for a deposit together, marriage or further children. It is all 100% bullshit.

His comment about you profiting from his being there is all you ever needed to know not to move him in.

Give yourself a shake and think about how much you've actually paid to have this man kipping in your bed. Probably could have had a nice wee getaway with your child on what you've spent on him so far.

catsjammies · 23/06/2020 20:33

This sounds so dodgy. What's to stop him turning around and buggering off with all that saved money whenever he wants?!

KatharinaRosalie · 23/06/2020 20:51

Just wondering - when you first started dating, did he complain about gold digger ex girlfriends only after his money? (Not that he has any to be after)

formerbabe · 23/06/2020 20:55

There are some men who constantly describe women as gold diggers and basically expect women to prove that they're not. Woman ends up bankrolling him in an attempt to prove she's not one of 'those' women.

slangofoillmochara · 23/06/2020 21:11

Yadnbu
The only way this is 'fair' is if the savings are in joint names.
If he's behaving like this so early on, what would he be like further down the line if you have kids together!

Sonineties · 23/06/2020 21:17

Is this “investment fund” in your name too? Is it going to be used for a deposit on a house for the two of you? If so, maybe fair enough (although he should have checked with you first to see what you wanted to prioritise). If not, then not OK. As everyone else has said.

BattyBettysBiccy · 23/06/2020 21:40

Yes. It seems he has the better deal. You seem worse off and this will grate in a couple of years

Ugzbugz · 23/06/2020 21:51

He is saving so when you buy if you, I suggest you dont, he can say the house is his because you will not he able to put any money towards it, you will be screwed, be very aware!!

Original poster
Budbudbud · 23/06/2020 21:57

Thank you all for your messages and convincing me I'm not being stupid thinking this isnt fair, I will speak to him tomorrow (dont have the energy tonight and I'm still not sure how I start the conversation) for the record he is a nice guy in every other way and he is great with my child so i dont think it's right just to end it UNLESS you are all right and when i talk to him he tried to turn it all around on me.

I'm going to tell him it isnt fair he is saving.money and buying stocks or whatever and i am left broke at the end of the month and if he says that it's no different than before I will tell him where to go because I would rather be skint on my own than taken for a ride. He either coughs up a decent amount a month or the saving go in joint names and nothing less than that will be good enough.

You are all right I need to put my child first and be stronger. Thank you.

OP posts:
qwertyuiop098 · 23/06/2020 21:59

Good luck OP you can do it! Let us know how it goes.

MissBPotter · 23/06/2020 22:05

Good luck op, stay strong.

ItsNotAGameOfSubbuteoMatthew · 23/06/2020 22:10

Well done OP! I'm sure you'll make the right decision after the chat.

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 23/06/2020 22:11

Good luck OP. Don't let him manipulate you.

dayslikethese1 · 23/06/2020 22:31

I think it's a bit suspicious that he's claiming to save a deposit for both of you but sounds like it's all in his own account.

Minniee · 23/06/2020 22:51

Good luck.

LannieDuck · 23/06/2020 22:57

Good luck

Porridgeoat · 23/06/2020 23:05

.

category12 · 23/06/2020 23:20

Spend some time working out how much he's costing you before you have the chat, so you are sure of your ground. It's no point going in half-cocked and have him run rings around you like he's done before.

  • loss of your single person discount on council tax,
  • any drop in tax credits/universal credit,
  • increase in utility costs
  • increase in grocery bills
  • any extra costs/bills you wouldn't have on your own.
  • if the savings are for a joint future, they should be in joint names.

You should not be worse off for having him living there. While he's not getting an income from his property, the costs of running two households has to come out of his surplus money/savings money, not out of your pocket.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/06/2020 23:43

He either coughs up a decent amount a month or the saving go in joint names and nothing less than that will be good enough

Good luck, Budbudbud - I hope you'll keep to this, but you're almost certainly going to see the biggest love-fest going, maybe even with tears and "How could you possibly think that of me? You're my everything and I was only trying to do my best for US"

It'll all be nonsense of course, but he's onto an extremely good thing, he knows it, and I rather doubt he'll let it slip away easily

Senoritaono · 23/06/2020 23:52

Did the 2% of people who said OP was being unreasonable accidentally hit the wrong button? The bf is an absolute chancer - what a cheek.

frazzledquaver · 23/06/2020 23:54

I actually wouldn't expect him to pay rent in the current situation. He expected to be able to cover his mortgage etc when he moved in with you, but hasn't been able to. However, you should not be financially worse off and he should pay to cover the difference in your costs before and after he moved in. To be fair, he's probably quite stressed out by the idea that he has all these outgoings that he thought he could through Air B n B of his property, but it's no excuse not to chip in for food. From next month he should start to get an income from his property again, so I would probably focus the chat on how you are going to divide your finances then. This will tell you whether he is going to continue to try to freeload or whether it's a temporary thing.