Is this fair? Finances related.

[Budbudbud]

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

Your plan sounds fairly reasonable to me but actually long-term I think this is a deal breaker. The fact you're even in this situation speaks volumes about him and his character. It beggars belief that someone would put money in their savings whilst expecting someone else to pay their day to day living costs.

How much would the back payment on the extra bills and missing food money come to?

If he plays the "I was so hurt/betrayed by previous partners, feel sorry for me and don't protect your own interests" when you talk about joint savings, you need to respond that you are not his ex and he needs to treat you as an individual, and that's his baggage to get over, not yours to pander to.

Oh God threads like this give me the rage! I hope you were able to be clear and went through with it - but he is a total CF doing this in the first place.

@formerbabe

Your plan sounds fairly reasonable to me but actually long-term I think this is a deal breaker. The fact you're even in this situation speaks volumes about him and his character. It beggars belief that someone would put money in their savings whilst expecting someone else to pay their day to day living costs.

This. I don’t think there is any coming back from this, or there wouldn’t be for me. The fact that you have to explain why effectively stealing from a single mother and her child isn’t ok...what else are you going to have to explain to him in future? As a single parent your standards and boundaries need to be so much higher than they seem to be. Even if he agrees to be fair from here on, the fact that he tried it on says everything you need to know about his character. You would be very foolish to ignore what he had shown you about himself and to go on and make a future with this person. Set your bar higher, for you and your daughter.

Yes, I think that's fair. I think he will agree to the bills and food, as he must realise that he has been taking the piss on this. I'd be surprised if he agrees about the joint savings from what he has already shown his character to be, but his reaction will tell you whether he considers you part of his future.
And it sounds like half of his savings the last 6 months have come directly from what he has been costing you! Costing you £150 extra per month to have him there and saving £300 himself? Wow.
Best of luck

This is wholly unfair on you. He is expecting to stay somewhere for free, you are not his parents house!

You gain nothing from him contributing in the long term because you are renting, you are only looking for fairness. It is also not giving you the opportunity to save up towards a mortgage deposit for you both so if you do manage to get a house together and then split up he will potentially say that you are entitled to nothing because he saved for and paid the whole deposit.

If you speak to him and he can’t see this is wrong I would honestly tell him you can’t live with him for just now.

PP might be harsh, but they're not wrong. He has manipulated you. Your plan is OK. But I wouldn't be surprised if he finds a reason to say it's unfair. If he was decent in the first place, you wouldn't be in this position.

OP, your plan sounds totally fair and sensible. Good luck tonight - the nature of his response will tell you everything you need to know.

Have you disclosed he’s there to council tax etc - that will have cost you your single occupant discount , electricity gas and water costs will have increased and that’s before the additional food costs. He is being really selfish , stand up for yourself and your child

You're not married and if I understand your plan correctly you are saying that you want to be saving money by him meeting his share of the costs? ie your living costs should be lower than they were before? Which is fair.

But I think a joint account for his savings might be a step too far at this point. Before DH and I got married we had a joint account for household expenses. I earned more and paid much more into the joint account. I was also doing some saving with the intention of helping us to buy a house. But until we were married, none of those assets were in joint names. Maybe that's just me, but I was more than happy to take on the bulk of the household expenses as I earned a lot more but I would have taken it badly if DP as he was then wanted half my savings too.

Your plan sounds fairly reasonable to me OP - if he baulks at the joint savings amount then remind him he said he was saving this for you both. So of course you should have access to it.

And I would add that then any takings from the AirBNB should also be added into this account too.

Personally I would suggest a joint account for bills and food, to which he contributes £350 a month - the £150 extra he's costing you, plus £200 for food. That way it's very transparent for him as well. Though I would only go for this if he agrees to the other parts of the plan.

I have a feeling he won't, unfortunately. I'd make sure you have your key points written down somewhere so you won't forget them in the heat of the conversation as he may very well turn it round on you.

And as another PP has said, if he is resistant, I would also consider turning it back round on him and suggesting (even if you don't have any intention of doing it) than you and DD move into his property paying nothing other than a contribution towards food and you can save what you were paying on rent for 'both of you' (not in a joint account though). You'd hope that he would be able to see the hypocrisy if he wouldn't be happy with this.

@BlingLoving I think this is different as he has been saving while costing the OP more - so half those savings so far should be hers. I agree with you that savings going forward may need separate consideration.

Good luck OP but I think he's already shown his attitude towards his best interests versus yours.

Could you imagine doing what he's done? He's clearly not stupid, so I can't think of a justifiable reason for not paying his way.

This thread is so important for women to read. I wish I'd understood these things 20 years ago. I basically paid thousands and thousands to have xh in my life, not to mention all the extra hours of work I did while he relaxed. You'd think it would be obvious when a man's taking advantage, but the fear of gold-diggeriness runs deep.

It's something women en masse need to really question - should we have to do everything and PAY for everything too? That's not liberation, and the men who would put us in this position are not showing basic respect, let alone love.

I also agree your plan sounds good, OP, but don't expect him to go along with it in the long term or even at all; he's identified you as a soft touch and I'll be very surprised if you get more than a temporary gesture and sweet words

A "nice" man wouldn't have needed this explaining at all, and far from being stupid he's planned this just fine in his own selfish interests

In the end it's not so much the money that's the issue but his attitude - and there's no coming back from that

I'm sorry it's true, a decent man wouldn't have put you in this position.

Budbudbud Great plan but beware of him agreeing to this and then stringing you along and it not happening.

If you are a couple who has a future together then he should do it willingly as you are building a future as one unit.

If he runs scared then you know he was never in this for the long term.

Meanness is a horrible trait. If he doesn’t like the idea of sharing then look at it as a lucky escape

@GabriellaMontez

still not sure how I'm going to start the conversation

What about. "I'd like to discuss our finances. I'm worse off since you moved in. You're still putting money away. That's not fair. How do you suggest we resolve it"

Be prepared.

Tbh I know you want to give him a chance, but nice guys dont move in with a single mum and child then expect to be housed and fed.

When the situation isn't straightforward eg one if you has a child. You sit and discuss how to make sure it's fair to both parties. Not "you pay now so it wont be any different".

He's honestly not really a great guy.

This is a good way to start the conversation.

Good luck @Budbudbud sounds like you have a solid plan.

What you have here is a man who feels justified in living off a single mum and her child.

You may be able to persuade him to pay some more money, but think about it seriously - do you want the sort of man that you have to persuade into paying for his own bills? He's completely selfish and will always put himself first.

As for a joint savings account - good luck with that. If he decides to leave do you really think he'll leave anything in that account?

To make it fair you need to total up everything that is outgoing for both of you regarding housing -

• your rent
• his mortgage
• council tax
• bills
• food etc

And it ALL should be split based on earnings - if he earns 25% more than you then he pays 25% more than you.

That's the only fair way. He's taking the piss.

He should be paying rent, half of the bills and half of the food.

He doesn’t have to live with you. You can manage without him. Why accept such meagre crumbs?

I honestly don’t understand how a single parent could put themselves in this position - if you can’t talk openly and honestly about money the relationship is doomed.

nice guys dont move in with a single mum and child then expect to be housed and fed.

This!

with my increased utilities and council tax and food bill he is costing me about £150 a month.

That's money you could be putting away towards you and your child's future...

He sounds like a cocklodger.

If you moved in together into a new rented property would you accept this ridiculous set up? It’s no different.

If you owned your property it would be different, you’d both have assets to protect until an appropriate time to merge them. Rent is different.

I don’t really understand why people are so worried about being seen as ‘gold diggers’ - it’s a misogynistic trope designed to keep women from truly realising their worth or what’s fair.

He must pay his way properly or move out. It's as simple as that.

Remember, the Airbnb is not covering the mortgage. That is being covered by his income as it always has and the same as you covering your rent. The Airbnb money is extra income that is only available because he has left the house and living with you. So half after expenses of running Airbnb (not mortgage) of that should be yours. Then all of any increase in running your house like electricity and food because he would pay this at his house and then half of the cost of fixed costs like broadband because this is a shared cost wherever you live. That is fair and if he doesn't see it then you have a more fundamental problem. TBH, I wouldn't even bother trying to sort this out. Extreme meanness just gets worse and this feels more than that. More a deliberate plan to Max his financial position at your expense.