Is this fair? Finances related.

[Budbudbud]

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

You say that your bills have increased by £150 including food, then go on to say he also needs to pay you an extra £200 for food.

Of you are going to have a discussion to discuss what is fair, you need to be clear about what is really additional costs. For instance, it might be that your food bill has increased because you now share a bottle of wine together which you didn't before. Or you are buying more expensive ingredients you all benefit from.

Him alone costing an additional £50 a week just for food seems massive so 7 less he demands additional items just for him, I'd want to know the reasons for such an increase for what should otherwise only be a bit more of what you were cooking before. I personally found that going from 3 down to 2 adults made very little difference to my food bill.

He's a bum. How on earth can you have feelings for a man with such low morals.

Imagine you moving in with a friend, could you actually freeload and let her pick up the tab?

What type of person takes money from a child?

I've said it before, nobody loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.
(In this case 'a place to fill his boots while he makes a stash of savings').

clearly he should pay you rent, then you can choose to save towards a deposit too. or not if things don't work out.

I'm not sure even that sounds reasonable. £200 a month isn't much, a lodger would pay more and buy food etc.

I think he may squeal at giving you half his savings, but that added to the £200 could work.

I'd also use the chat time to find out what he feels is a reasonable split when you buy a house together. Is he expecting a 50/50 split even if he earns more? Or will he look at it proportionate to earnings, you each pay a % of your earnings. Does he see any left overs as family money?

Good luck, OP. Be very clear about the exact amounts of money in your head and write them all out on paper as I suspect he'll try to argue.

Mind you I'd be asking him to leave if he does argue. He should be apologising.

he just said he will save it for us both.

Really ? this is bollox. Hes can piss off in two years with all HIS savings and you have supported him for all this time .. no way !

He needs to pay you a decent amount. The fact he's paying out for his house is neither here nor there. The fact he isn't willing and his saving takes priority shows you everything about his character.

My DP is moving in at some point. We have discussed finances, which I'm good at and run very well. He said tell him what to pay and he'll transfer it each month. He won't even question it because he trusts I'll be fair, which I will. There's no way I'd accept a man living for free and actually costing me money!

Bud please make sure you emphasise his main outgoings are investments that (potentially) benefit only him, so, savings, extra investment fund and mortgage - you obviously have no claim whatsoever on these. Even if short term the value of the house decreases, long term he's got another huge asset and as you said it's costing him less than your rent.
Also, if you had moved in with him I'm sure he'd happily have 'profited' from that arrangement. Who knows, he may even have asked for an amount from you similar to your current rent as you wouldn't want to appear to be a gold digger.

Oh, and sorry to say, you won't see a penny of his savings. And when he's saved enough for a house for you both, I bet he'll insist on it being in his name because he's paid the deposit. Be very careful OP.

I had an ex a few years ago who wanted to move into my house.....I still had 2 kids living at home both under 18...ex decided that as there would be 4 of us sharing the house that he would only have to pay a quarter of any utilities etc...i swiftly told him to fuck off....it would be 50/50 with me or his arse would not get through the door...i dumped him shortly after and i never let him move in.

Is this relationship really worth all of this hassle @Budbudbud?

You're practically begging for a financial contribution and he's been talking you round in circles.

He's costing you money.

@myusernamewastakenbyme

I had an ex a few years ago who wanted to move into my house.....I still had 2 kids living at home both under 18...ex decided that as there would be 4 of us sharing the house that he would only have to pay a quarter of any utilities etc...i swiftly told him to fuck off....it would be 50/50 with me or his arse would not get through the door...i dumped him shortly after and i never let him move in.

Expecting him to go 50/50 when you have two (presumably) teenagers in the house is really cf. Your partner had a lucky escape there I think!

No, dontdisturbme, I think him costing her that much in extra groceries is perfectly reasonable. Twice as many adults is going to double the size of meals, plus snacks, plus using more loo roll etc etc. Men usually consume larger portions and you tend to end up catering to them (generally more meat etc). Blokes are expensive pets to have !

Imagine you moving in with a friend

Yup. 'Dear friend, I used all the money for my savings - sorry, you have to feed me and pay all the utilities I have used.'
Who on earth would think this is ok?

@Rainycloudyday no I think it's entirely reasonable that he should be expected to pay 50:50, either you're a family or you're not. If he wasn't thinking of the kids as family then he shouldn't be moving in.

[quote TeaAndHobnob]@Rainycloudyday no I think it's entirely reasonable that he should be expected to pay 50:50, either you're a family or you're not. If he wasn't thinking of the kids as family then he shouldn't be moving in.[/quote]
That really surprises me. You would hope that the children’s father(s) pay maintenance and I really believe that the costs of supporting children should belong to their parents, particularly if they are older teenagers and it’s quite a new relationship. Different if a partner has been around for years and is a real lifelong parent figure to the child, perhaps. I wouldn’t dream of expecting a new boyfriend to move in and start to cover half the costs of accommodating my teenagers and wouldn’t be impressed if someone asked that of me!

I think it really depends - if the partner moving with someone with teenagers is going to expect a say in what the other person spends, yet doesn't want to properly pool resources because of the dc. Say, for example, parent wants to buy a big ticket item for their child or support them through uni, and because of that can't afford the holiday their partner wants to go on or whatnot. I think either you're joining a family unit and you pool resources in some way, which will benefit the non-earning members of the family, or you're not and you're not a full partnership and you don't get to opine on your partner's spending choices.

Yes it’s definitely complicated @category12
One of the reasons why I don’t think I would ever enter into living with a new partner with kids living at home. V difficult to establish a clear and fair arrangement that everyone is happy with when there are so many variables to consider. Anyway I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread

I guarantee there will be a reason why he can't put the £1800 he's already saved in both names
There will always be a reason why he can't pay his way and I also believe he will use you having DD as a reason why he shouldn't pay as much

£150 per month that could have saved for a family holiday or for the future of your child eg driving lessons
Or
Emergency savings for you
£1800 a year

Secondly, if he is paying a mortgage, bills & saving. He is probably earning 30K +

Hi op

Before you give him your figures of what you would like going forward money wise

Ask him what he thinks is fair
Keep your powder dry
And ask for back pay
Good luck

I don't know why you're even trying to continue a relationship with him. He's shown you his character, and it's not someone I'd want to spend anymore time with. He won't change his personality.

You could get rid, and in the future, meet a guy who really does see you as an equal. All the time you're with this guy, is a waste of time, and you could miss out on meeting someone decent. You really need to let the scales drop from your eyes and see what we can all see as plain as day.

Not to mention, the longer you're with him, the harder it will be on your DC when you eventually split up. At the moment, your DC is very young, and won't remember him in the future.

@formerbabe

Your plan sounds fairly reasonable to me but actually long-term I think this is a deal breaker. The fact you're even in this situation speaks volumes about him and his character. It beggars belief that someone would put money in their savings whilst expecting someone else to pay their day to day living costs.

This op. ^^

But have all the figures there. He costs you £200 extra a month in food shop, £150 extra a month in utilities. That’s £350 straight away going to house a man rather than on your child. Why are you only going to ask him for £200?! Thats not enough! That’s money you are taking away from your child and handing to this man.

Does he pop out to the shop for extras during the week? Who pays for those?

If he agrees to pay what he is coating you, i bet he starts recklessly throwing in more or more expensive food into the trolly because ‘he is paying for it.’ Ill guarantee if he agrees to this, your food bill will go up too.

@Rainycloudyday did you miss the bit where i said the kids were under 18?
Do you expect kids still at school to pay towards utility bills...if so you are the massive cf.

This is terrible, as much as I can see and agree with him he’s not renting out and paying for his place it makes sense for him not to pay for yours too he should pay for the utilities.

But not buying his own food and making you do it so he can squirrel his money away is just appalling behaviour. I can’t even get my head round the sort of person who would do that to someone they profess to care about.

Sounds to me like he’s moved in so he can save for his own place. I’d bet good money when it comes to buy it’s his name on the mortgage and he won’t want you any where near.