Guys who say 'I need a woman who can challenge me'

[Stella8686]

Is this ever a good statement? Do men think that women find it an attractive profile line?

Is it just me who reads it as
'I wore down my ex so much that she died a little inside and never spoke up for herself, therefor it's her fault the relationship broke down'

Extreme example above but AIBU to discount guys who say this (online) does anyone like this statement?

Again you’re the one repeatedly bringing it up.

I honestly feel worn out just reading the posts of certain posters on this thread. I was in a relationship with a bloke who considered himself a wit and who "loved a debate". What he actually meant was he liked verbally sparring with people culminating with him hammering them into the ground - figuratively obviously.

In my experience couples who like constant challenging debate big rows often also describe themselves as "passionate" - all very well for them but absolutely exhausting for everyone around them.

@Ninkanink

I’m glad to responded to that – the snidey comments about your posts (which have been totally relevant in the context) were unnecessary.

Rowing/properly fighting/one party cruelly beating the other down emotionally or psychologically is definitely not the basis of a healthy relationship! That’s not what I’m referring to at all.

One can argue quite calmly at length without it being unduly argumentative, one can assertively challenge where necessary without it being unduly combative. That’s working on the assumption that both parties want to participate, btw - it’s obviously not going to be any fun where one party doesn’t want to and doesn’t like it. It’s a very big part of a good relationship for me, just as vital as any other dealbreaker.

Going back to the OP’s question itself it’s clear that OP’s instincts were correct in this instance, and I imagine that once you’ve seen a hundred flags that broadly fit a theme you are much less likely to give people the benefit of the doubt, and quite rightly so.

[quote KentuckyBlueberry]@Ninkanink

I’m glad to responded to that – the snidey comments about your posts (which have been totally relevant in the context) were unnecessary.[/quote]
Luckily I place no investment at all in what random people I will never meet think about me, so snide comments don’t bother me one bit. But it’s nice to know that you understood that it was relevant, since hopefully that means one or two people might find some value in what I said. Once in a while it can be helpful to examine nuance.

This is also a lovely reminder of why I married a North American feminist who's happy in herself.

Harry? Is that you??

@IfNotNowThenWhen2

This is also a lovely reminder of why I married a North American feminist who's happy in herself.

Harry? Is that you??

Those North American women are nothing but trouble.

@KentuckyBlueberry

Don’t people who want someone who ‘challenges them’ just enjoy a bit of verbal sparring and critical debate? They’re looking to have their way of thinking challenged, play with ideas, expand their mental horizons?

That being said, it’s one thing to enjoy those things, it’s another thing to state “must challenge me” as a requirement on a dating profile. I enjoy that sort of thing in a man/relationship but I don’t think I’d specify it as it sounds a bit wanky. You can determine if someone is intelligent when you chat to them.

To be honest, I really can't be arsed with verbal sparring and critical debate when I'm eating my breakfast, loading the washing machine or watching the telly in the evening.

I really wouldn't want a relationship with someone who considers every conversation an opportunity to come up with an opposing view and argue the toss just for the sake of it. I don't want a conversational sparring partner, having to put up with the continual disagreement and having to perpetually justify your reasoning and thoughts. It's far too much like bloody hard work!

@morethanafortnight

Fair enough, everyone’s different yo.

Funny how 'challenging' women end up becoming 'psycho' exes.

[quote KentuckyBlueberry]@morethanafortnight

Fair enough, everyone’s different yo.[/quote]

I get enough of all that critical debate and whatnot at work

I would challenge a potential lover by sending him down the town and buying 20 Rothmans.

I would challenge a potential lover to win my favour by leaping astride his noble steed through a ring of fire, slaying a Manticore and living by their wits through the deadly labyrinth, at the centre of which lies the key to my chastity belt, though they'd still have to pass the dragon and climb the tower to find me at my loom.

They want a challenge, they can't say I don't deliver.

I would lock him in a room without mobile signal and challenge him to solve a Guardian cryptic crossword puzzle, set by Araucaria.

Just had this conversation with my husband:

"Do I challenge you?"

"Do you what?"

"Challenge you. Do I?"

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know. Verbal sparring. Challenge your viewpoints. Expand your mental horizons. Make you rethink everything you thought you knew. Test your intellectual mettle. Parry, twist, thrust."

"Isn't lockdown bad enough?"

"Apparently not."

"Who the fuck wants to do that every day?"

"Quite a lot of people, apparently."

"Are you on Mumsnet again?"

@morethanafortnight

"Isn't lockdown bad enough?"

Are you on mumsnet again?

(I like the idea of slaying a manticore etc. etc. as a challenge.)

@cheeseandwin5

And you would be correct to say all those things! 😉

@Stella8686

I want a woman who can challenge me' it immediately makes me think 'no, you don't'

You should have said channelled your inner Pantomime Dame and said, "ooohhhh, no you don't!", Just to be extra challenging/annoying!

Women in this thread sound batshit bonkers. I would be so bored by a partner who didn't challenge me. The person closest you should challenge every fibre of your being. If you're scared of this it's either because you've based your opinions or beliefs on something that you can't defend (but won't change them) or it's because you're too lazy to be the best version of yourself. Either way, I wouldn't want to be with you.

Oh no, what a devastating loss 😭😭😭

'The person closest you should challenge every fibre of your being. '

This is just lol 😁

@ShinyFootball

Oh no, what a devastating loss 😭😭😭

I too am wondering how I will ever come to terms with that devastating revelation. For some unaccountable reason, I find myself recalling the Jackie Fleming cartoon:

Boy to girl: "You're going to die alone and unloved and end up half eaten by your cats."
Girl to boy: "And only you could make it sound so attractive."

Challenge every fibre of your being

What does this even mean?
My thoughts and opinions?
My life choices?
My literal fibre - my body?
My day to Day conversation?

Hello partner I think we should rescale the kettle
What made you come to that conclusion
It's got a lot of scale in it
Imprecise? Subjective! What is 'a lot' in this context?
Well you know it's erm, well look
I see. You are of course assuming that the scale and indeed the kettle actually exist? Can you prove this? What is your view on solipsism? If indeed there is a you. How do I know this? How do you?
Right. I'll go and descale the kettle then
What are you going to use? Is it environmental sound?
Vinegar. Yes.
Can you demonstrate that in the drainage system pertinent to our locality this is indeed a sound choice? Your environmental stance insists that Research would have been done, can you share it?

.....

FUCK OFF

/end