AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

[Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

OP,

I feel very sorry for you.
This must be so enormously stressful for you.

You have every right to be furious, and very upset with your husband.

But NOT surprised.

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is with the dodging coming home to his newborn.

Classic Selfish Prick behaviour.

After your son's last hospital experience he also wasn't supportive.

Clasic prick behaviour.

Wanting you, heavily pregnant woman to find your car with luggage and a child who has just had a procedure.

Classic selfish prick move and a thundering disgrace as a father, husband and man.

OP, you store this knowledge because this is EXACTLY who he is, make no mistake.

You need to very carefully protect yourself financially and otherwise, because I would no more trust a man like that to be a good husband and father, for the long haul.

Much older woman here, husband with a very big job, who would run out the door and HAS over the past 20+ years when I have had to call.

Protect yourself.

Wishing your little boy and yourself the very very best.

I hope your son is OK.
It sounds like your husband doesn't care and that is hard for you to accept.
You can not change how he is.
You need to have the conversation about how you work things out if you are to separate. Maybe that conversation might prioritise his sick child and heavily pregnant wife, but maybe not.
Look for who else can support and help you as it seems it is not him.
I am sorry you are so alone. You and your son deserve better.

OP, could it be that he's extremely consciousness/worried about not achieving/stressed at work? Am trying to understand his thinking. If so, then working none stop will only fuel/increase this. If it's ok to take the occasional holiday, it is certainly ok for him to take time off work to attend hospital. And it's definitely ok for him to take time off to drop you and pick you up from hospital. You really need to spell it out to him that you will not stand for this. Don't argue. Just be scarily calm and firm. I would also get someone else to take and fetch you, if that is an option. Do you have any friends or family close by who have also been isolating? By involving others, you will really make him look like a useless bellend if they are having to pick up the slack (esp if it is, say, a friend's kind supportive husband who offers to pick you up from hospital). I wouldn't argue with him. It will just put him on the defence and stress you out further. But, I would be inclined to increasingly withdraw from him. Talk to your friends and family for instead. Don't turn to him for support. Demonstrate that, bit by bit, you can and will stand on your own feet and will be willing and able to walk away. Obviously not now. It would be nigh on impossible to leave with a young baby and son who may well be ill. But I would be wanting to send the message to him that, unless he is there for you all, then in the long term, you would be prepared to walk away. I really feel for you, I really do! His actions right now really are unforgivable. I'm not sure how you would move past the resentment.

Also I agree about the men being treated differently. My husband had to take time of work because child was ill and it was his turn to take time off, he employer said "can,t your wife do it?". (even though they knew I was working too.)

Was he always a twat? Did he help out when you had your son?

Hi OP I know it's off topic but my dc has had loads of EEGs and it's not been a problem. When it's 24hr they use a type of glue so it's not easy to take the wires off like it would be for a 20min eeg. She was older but very unwell and only managed to get one off which they told me is not a massive issue. Good luck with everything.

@LockdownWaistline

Not off topic - incredibly
Helpful information. Thank you. Very sorry about your child x

Employers are more arsey about fathers taking time off (I’m sometimes refused despite work knowing I’m a lone parent), but, if it turns out that is an issue he needs to stand up for himself.

Surely he would want to pick you both up, not just to make the journey as easy as possible for you but because when you’re worried about your child you wanted to see them as soon as possible, not hours later.

I was having to shield at the start of lockdown (turned out to be wrong advice), my son needed his cast removing so my boyfriend took him, you know, not even a parent, just a normal person who doesn’t think helping (it obviously wouldn’t be helping in your case, hes a bloody parent as well) their partner is a chore.

If it's a big central London hospital, ask if a play therapist can come to you for a bit. Some distraction can work wonders. I also think put a sensible friend on standby just in case you need a Plan B. A true friend wouldn't care about the hour's drive but might appreciate the 24 hour notice just in case. Also don't forget to take drinks and snacks for yourself and a phone charger.

Hi OP

I worked in finance and divorced exH for similar dickishness. It’s literally neither big nor clever but it’s not an uncommon attitude in the finance world. A male colleague once told me how high risk and stressful his job was, and I pointed out that the worst that he can do in his job was lose money whereas for his wife a mistake “at work” could have significantly more serious consequences eg an unattended pan of boiling water. He went quite pale.

Anyway, if the hospital is in London, don’t forget about the ULEZ charge as well as the congestion charge. Easy to overlook if you don’t drive there often.

Hope it goes well.

yanbu

this is pretty horrific.
especially the find the car on your own approach - around London hospitals easily a 20 minute walk to find the car.

bad enough DH is happy for you to wander around heavily pregnant, but to think its ok for DS after a LP is just completely thoughtless - actually its quite cruel.

he showed you this side before.

I think you are at a turning point here.
this is your moment to make some things clear and lay the law for the future.

i would make the pick-up nonnegotiable. and demand a minimum effort in taking part of DS health. again non negotiable. if he only understand big touch boss talk, its time for some big tough boss talk then.

My ex was a colossal prick and always left me to do everything for the kids and still does. However

1. I think it's generally better if one person does the organising and arranging and keeping track of appointments so nothing gets missed so I didn't and don't mind this.
2. Even my emotionally devoid and uninterested prick of an ex would drop everything to support a sick child or a heavily pregnant partner. Even at his worst he we would have taken the day off work to support me and our child in such a situation as you describe.
3. He wasn't in love with his job. He did it to the best of his ability and paid the bills but neither he nor I (nor most people I know) would rather work than be there for our child when they desperately needed us. So yes, your DH may be alright in other ways but his priorities are not in the correct order right now.

[quote Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]@saraclara

Thank you! Did she try to take the monitors off her head? I’m
Not quite sure how it works but it’s for 24 hours so I’m worried about 1) him trying to remove something and 2) keeping him occupied whilst he’s in a bit of pain from LP etc and feeling funny from the GA in one room for so long![/quote]
The electrodes were firmly glued on, so it wasn't a problem at all. And they provided books and things for us to occupy her with while they attached them. To be fair she didn't have to wear them for 24 hours, but I think you'll be fine. The technicians are well-practiced at fitting this stuff so it works for small children.

I just want to reiterate about the making appts and all that stuff:

I am very happy to do all of it. That’s not the problem. An example of where he is just being a dick about it is fresh in my mind as it was this morning. We both receive the egress safe emails from the doctors. This morning we received one where we had to call and book something important in for tomorrow, within a 1 hour time frame. I was out and about waddling around trying to get DS to sleep in the buggy. Not looking at my phone as pushing buggy. He was at home with a computer, 2 mobiles and a landline. Rather than call the number for this time sensitive issue himself, he just screenshotted the email to me and said “call ASAP”. It’s so fucking unhelpful.

I have read him the riot act. I’ve made it clear I don’t care about his excuses or his feelings now - maybe 6 weeks ago when this started if he had come to me and talked about his feelings, but actually I’ve been left dealing with everything on my own for so long I’m enraged and his entire attitude sucks. He was saying “people at work don’t care if...” and I made it clear I don’t give a flying fuck what people at work care about. I care about what HE cares about. Which should be our son. And me. And our unborn child. Frankly I’m shocked he didn’t take Wednesday off as well, knowing we might need him during the day and needing him to pick us up in the evening. He needs to drastically step up and has been told.

I really appreciate all the input, support, information and advice on this thread. Thank you x

@saraclara

Thank you! Presumably he will be groggy from the GA still which will make it easier to attach these things with minimal wriggling.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I hope both you and your son are alright OP xx

He was at home with a computer, 2 mobiles and a landline. Rather than call the number for this time sensitive issue himself, he just screenshotted the email to me and said “call ASAP”. It’s so fucking unhelpful

This would make me lose my shit, honestly. He's very successful at work, apparently, so presumably he is indeed capable of being proactive and taking action when he wants to. He's right there, he sees an action that needs doing now and will take maybe two minutes, he's homeworking so nobody at the office will know he'll be engaged for 120 seconds, he's aware that you're occupied, and it doesn't occur to him to JFDI himself?

Look you have to survive this for now. You're 38 weeks pregnant and married to a selfish belllend but at least there are resources. Book a post natal doula NOW. You're going to need proper support so you can have someone to hang onto the baby while you do doctors calls etc for your older child. You need to throw money at this and get yourself sorted as if he wasn't there because the man is unreliable and a complete twat. What you do later when you surface isn't really up for discussion now. You're about to give birth woman. Sort your house and make sure you have the support you need without him. Good luck! 💐

@ShebaShimmyShake

My feelings exactly!

Hey there, my son had very similar tests at the neurological department of GOSH, a lumber puncture, CCT scan and an EEG - they were amazing and looked after us so well, I hope that’s the hospital you are referring to as I know they’ll make it as stress free as possible. My husband was there for the appointments (took time off work, but went back the day after we returned home from hospital) and told everyone, including his own parents, that everything was absolutely fine and sort of eroded our support network by being dishonest about what we were actually going through. He wouldn’t engage with me about my huge anxieties, literally cut me off and I felt completely alone. Looking back I think he was in complete denial and furious at being so out of control, he literally couldn’t face it but emotionally abandoned me in the process. I just wonder if this isn’t a sign of him not caring but of him not being emotionally equipped to deal with it, that said it’s still inexcusable. My husband is a very loving dad to our now 5 year old, he had benign neonatal sleep myoclonus so no long term issues, we were incredibly fortunate and I really hope you get some conclusive she positive results, feel free to DM me if you have any questions on tests.

Argh, apologies for all the typo’s, on my phone!

I just wonder if this isn’t a sign of him not caring but of him not being emotionally equipped to deal with it, that said it’s still inexcusable

That was my first reaction, but as you say it is still inexcusable. It's one thing to protect yourself emotionally and it is another thing altogether to throw your life-partner under the bus in the process

@coyoacan totally agree, it is inexcusable and selfish to the point of cruelty. My husband was not nearly as bad as the OP describes and it caused long term problems in our relationship. But I do think the behaviour came from fear.

I just wonder if this isn’t a sign of him not caring but of him not being emotionally equipped to deal with it, that said it’s still inexcusable.

My DS was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour aged 8. It was the most horrific thing we have ever dealt with. I'm afraid I find people not being 'emotionally equipped to deal with it' - a serious illness that their child is suffering absolutely appalling. You're an adult. Grow up and be a parent.

OP, I’m so glad you lost your shit with him- that was going to be my advice. You need to be the squeaky wheel: go fucking ballistic, scream, shout, cry, demand his attention. It goes without saying, you shouldn’t have to do this. But perhaps it’s what it will take to get him to step the fuck up, and realise that these events, that are happening now, are the very fabric of his life. Nothing else (including The Job) even comes close. You sound so nice (and you could be any one of many of my friends), I really hope he comes through for you.