AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

[Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

So sorry to hear what you are going through Op.
Sending best wishes for your little boy. I hope the tests go well and they are able to give a diagnosis and treatment.
You are definitely not being unreasonable. Take care of yourself, the last few weeks of pregnancy are hard.

Lets not also forget here that the OP is 38 weeks pregnant, what if she goes into labour tonight? Is your DH organised and ready to step up?

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout

He has just tried to get a bit tearful and come over to me saying he’s finding it very upsetting. I don’t want to be unsympathetic but I am finding it upsetting and I am going to be the one who needs to see DS through these things, not him. He hasn’t so much as attended a blood test! I also think if he were upset then he wouldn’t be so fucking unhelpful about facilitating zoom calls etc. I know I don’t have the monopoly on feelings but the car thing takes the biscuit.

@WhatCFeryIsThis

It’s not that hospital but very similar thing!

I think he doesn't know how to handle this; has escaped into denial and compartmentalisation; and has to turn on you in order to shore up his defences. These are all reasons, but they are not excuses. He is a grown man, and he needs to grow up and start developing some emotional intelligence.

OP sounds like you are having a horrific time of it you are doing amazingly well to be coping in the situation.
People deal with stress in different ways and whilst your husband has dealt with it like a twat he’s your twat and your sons daddy.
Have an honest conversation you both will be feeling many of the same things. I bet your husband has complete admiration for you and thinks he could never cope as well as you are and so is trying to focus on the things he can do.
It’s best if you can approach this together. What emotional and practical support do you need from him? Spell it out and make sure he does it. I would insist he tells work too- he might be scared that this makes it more “real” but you both need to face it together.

I hope the investigations go well (kids are amazing he might be a bit groggy but 1000% it’ll be worse for you than him) and you get some reassuring answers soon x

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout

He has just tried to get a bit tearful and come over to me saying he’s finding it very upsetting. I don’t want to be unsympathetic but I am finding it upsetting and I am going to be the one who needs to see DS through these things, not him. He hasn’t so much as attended a blood test! I also think if he were upset then he wouldn’t be so fucking unhelpful about facilitating zoom calls etc. I know I don’t have the monopoly on feelings but the car thing takes the biscuit.

@WhatCFeryIsThis

It’s not that hospital but very similar thing!

Did you say that in response? Any of it at all?

Just received a very fucking lame
Apology and a “I’m very stressed and busy” speech. “Tell me what i can do and I’ll
Do it” - well, nothing now because I’ve done everything. Maybe just act like you care!

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout

He has just tried to get a bit tearful and come over to me saying he’s finding it very upsetting. I don’t want to be unsympathetic but I am finding it upsetting and I am going to be the one who needs to see DS through these things, not him. He hasn’t so much as attended a blood test! I also think if he were upset then he wouldn’t be so fucking unhelpful about facilitating zoom calls etc. I know I don’t have the monopoly on feelings but the car thing takes the biscuit.

@WhatCFeryIsThis

It’s not that hospital but very similar thing!

What did he say when you told him that?

TBH the car thing doesn,t souns soo bad. I mean are the hospital allowing two adults in at a time?
If he parks the car some where you can go when you need rather then having to phone him etc, it can take forever to be discharged in staying over night. This way you are in control. But you latter say that there sin,t really anywhere to park and this is more of the issue. (and obviously you want it close to the hospital at 38 wks pregnant.)
I also think if you are the one who has been talking to the doctors it makes sense that you deal with the phone calls.

he might be scared that this makes it more “real” but you both need to face it together

He is saying this tbf, that he doesn’t want to face it etc but it’s so hard to feel sympathetic after his behaviour last time, not to see this as more of the same.

I was in hospital recently without knowing when I would be discharged. I rang my husband when I was definitely ready to go. It's not that hard, especially while homeworking.

He expects you to trail the poor child round the streets of London, searching for the car? After a lumbar puncture? He does realise that your DS may have difficulty walking after that procedure? Jeez

@june2007

I don’t understand what you mean. We are being discharged around 7pm
Wed. What’s the problem with him
Waiting in the area around then, for however long, then bringing the car round when we are ready? Is that such a big ask?

[quote Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]@june2007

I don’t understand what you mean. We are being discharged around 7pm
Wed. What’s the problem with him
Waiting in the area around then, for however long, then bringing the car round when we are ready? Is that such a big ask?[/quote]
Of course it isn't, or he could just stay home until you're ready and then you ring him. That's what I did. Not a big deal.

But all these people suggesting you take a cab or send your son home by Hermes or whatever are missing the point that your husband has a heavily pregnant wife and a sick child going into hospital, and doesn't seem to think any of it is his responsibility!

I mean it can take about an hour from saying you can go home to you actually been able to go home. (or someone's more. And it,s not a big deal to wait, but I think convenience wise it may be easier if you din,t have to call/wait and just be able to leave when your ready, but you said parking is very difficult and it would have to be close to the hospital.

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout I'm sure at a time like this, your head is all over the place. FWIW, I think you're an incredibly strong person and you have your priorities in the right place. You are putting your son first and at the moment, that is all that matters. After these tests, I hope you manage to find it in you to put your foot down. Figure out an appointment you'd be happy for DH to take DS to alone, or a zoom call you'd be happy to sit out of. Tell your husband that you expect him to take the lead on that appointment. Don't pussy foot around with 'you're busy' or 'you're pregnant and tired'. Tell him straight that you have expectations for the father of your children and he needs to meet those expectations. Tell him that no matter how good he is at his job, his actions mean he is failing as a father and he needs to pull himself together.

I sincerely hope that all he needs is a kick up the backside and that your future with him will be a lot better. As DCs' mother and most of all as their primary carer, you are the 'company director' and he needs to earn his place at the table with you, just like he's ever earned a promotion at work. You are allowed to make demands, when you are doing so for the wellbeing of your children x

@shebashimmyshake

or send your son home by Hermes

This made me actually laugh! Thank you

Sorry I have to ask why you chose to have another child with him when he behaved so terribly first time around?

So your two options are seek employment and split up or suck it up and stay together as you won't have to work etc. Most people I've encountered in your situation choose the second option unfortunately as their partner's basically have them over a barrel financially.

Sorry I pressed post too soon. Please think of your future, what you want out of life long term. And what relationship you want to model for your children.

Sorry I have to ask why you chose to have another child with him when he behaved so terribly first time around?

Unfortunately the lies only came out as lies once I was pregnant with number 2!

Re. the car - if it comes down to him leaving it somewhere near hospital for you - It should be in a nearby car park - it can't just be left illegally somewhere for hours as it might be clamped. He will have to tell you exactly where it is in car park. Also presume you have 2 sets of car keys?
But perhaps now he is a little upset he will actually do what anyone would expect of him and help?

[quote Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]@shebashimmyshake

or send your son home by Hermes

This made me actually laugh! Thank you[/quote]

Sorry we've unwittingly stressed you. I can at least reassure you about the EEG. My daughter had one, aged just under two, and it was a breeze. She was having little seizures, but it turned out to be nothing worrying at all. I hope your worries are as easily dispelled.

@saraclara

Thank you! Did she try to take the monitors off her head? I’m
Not quite sure how it works but it’s for 24 hours so I’m worried about 1) him trying to remove something and 2) keeping him occupied whilst he’s in a bit of pain from LP etc and feeling funny from the GA in one room for so long!

@june2007

I mean it can take about an hour from saying you can go home to you actually been able to go home. (or someone's more. And it,s not a big deal to wait, but I think convenience wise it may be easier if you din,t have to call/wait and just be able to leave when your ready, but you said parking is very difficult and it would have to be close to the hospital.

Nope. Absolutely not. He was 100% wanting to avoid a) doing 2 round trips a day apart and b) finishing work "early" on Wednesday night. I'd be making him do it on principle.

I can see it from both sides tbh. If he’s really busy with work, he’s probably under huge pressure. I don’t think employers are as sympathetic with men as women when it comes to performing at work alongside family matters. Unfortunately it’s still very much a man’s world in the work place and frowned upon if you’re a man and ask for leniency with work deadlines to accommodate family stuff. It can be competitive amongst men in their work. It shouldn’t be that way, but your DH is prioritising his work over you atm, and is snappy as he’s getting pressure from all sides probably.