AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

[Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

*Concentrate on DC1 right now. Wish there was an edit button on here!

He is being unreasonable.

DH works at sea and has told me that if I have to go to hospital with one child he will come home - parental leave, compassionate leave or sickpay with stress - to support us and look after the other child. Nothing major had happened touch wood but every mini-issue he reminds me that we all come first.

I'd be incandescent (not kidding - my menopausal rages are epic) that he's not looking after you - heavily pregnant and likely to go into labour anytime you - better. Are you carrying the whole family-load for childcare? Fuck that.

You need a conversation about expectations of each parent for the care of children. I got to the point where after 40 hours of breast feeding/nappy changing/educational shit I declared all other care 50:50. And that was on the small stuff not hospital / health care which we always agreed was 'all hands on deck' sorry for seafarer pun with my DH at sea

YANBU. He’s laying everything on you - heavily pregnant, dealing with everything around your kid being unwell, AND dealing with your husband’s man tantrums and failure of responsibility. I saw a PP saying he might be stressed over his job it I’m not sure that excuses you being left to hold everything together.

My BIL is a bit like this. A workaholic who has tunnel vision. Every so often my SIL has to sit down and tell him some facts that he finds difficult to hear. He tries harder for a few weeks/ months and then slides again.

Tell him in words of one syllable what you want from him regarding each separate appointment. Be very specific and don’t expect him to just suddenly become thoughtful because he won’t.

If he needs to take a day of leave say that. If he needs to allow you access to the WiFi say that. Tell him if he is difficult about this you will make it crystal clear to all the medical staff exactly why you are coping alone, cannot speak in peace etc.

Tell him you want this marriage to work but unless he has a rethink about his input you are concerned. Providing money is good but not enough. Not enough at all.

Unfortunately, as an HCP, I have seen fathers (and, occasionally, mothers) behave like this many times when a child is sick. It's usually a combination of denial, lack of understanding, and competing priorities - some men find it a lot easier to focus on being the breadwinner (how they justify it to themselves) than their fears for their child.

Only you can decide whether your DH's other qualities make up for this, OP. The only thing I'd say, is please don't sacrifice yourself and your DC for his job. I have had many friends who have done this, and not one of them is happy, even those married to nice men. It can seem like an attractive deal when the DC are young and you might well opt to be an SAHM, whatever your DH earns. But, as the kids get older and his job always comes first, you will come to resent him.

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout
I apologise if you took my previous post the wrong way, I wasn't trying to imply that you only see him as a paycheck, I was asking if that is all he is currently providing in terms of support. I know in my own personal circle a few women refer to their DH as a good father simply due to the fact they provide.

If you're saying that usually he'd be wanting to stay updated and would be supportive, do you think he's pulling the ostrich act? Burying his head in the sand, hoping for the best and trying to avoid the issue. I know it's quite common among men who struggle to cope with their feelings.
If you think it's that, call him out on it, tell him for whatever reason he's not being supportive, your son needs him to get his shit together and his family need to come first, he is not allowed to flake out on life when it gets stressful, ask him how he would cope with stress at work, would he ignore it or deal with it. Tell him in future if you need to make a call he is to either make it himself or watch his son while you use the office. If you need to go to an appointment he is to take you and stay close by.

Your DH can't possibly expect your child to walk around whilst you look for your car after he's just had a lumbar puncture. I couldn't sit up or stand for over week after mine without being violently sick and the times I had to walk to the toilet it was hanging onto the wall because the pain in my head and neck was that severe I was so dizzy from it. I would literally stagger to the toilet grab a sick bowl and sit on the toilet weeing and puking at the same time. It took me 8 weeks in total before I was able to even function normally afterwards

I can understand that during working hours your husband may not be able to give much support. But it sounds like he works 24 hours a day if he can’t even talk things through with you in the evenings / non working hours. So if he won’t talk during non working hours then yes he is a being unreasonable.
And very unreasonable to not pick you up (he needs to take the time off to pick you up). My husband drive back 2 hours from an airport and cancelled his trip because my DD (2) was admitted into hospital one evening and I was 38 weeks pregnant so he could be there for us.

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout it’s insane asking you to take a 2 years old to find a car who’s had a lumber puncture and an MRI I’m assuming is under sedation. He’s fucking nuts. Ask him which one of your friends or family to pick you up. Ask your friends and family, don’t justify or or defend him, say it’s because your DH won’t pick you up. Don’t hide it saying he’s busy etc, that just feeds into his behaviour. You have done nothing wrong, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If this was one of our children my husband would be fighting to take us.

Your husband is not a good husband or father. I wouldn’t be very optimistic about my marriage if I were in your position.

There is a chance he does geniunely, stupidly think it’s easier for me to park there. Except I can’t believe that as he has been to this hospital. The parking is all over the shop - I’ve never been able to park closer than 5-10 minutes walk away as there isn’t a car park, and it’s a part of London where you have a 2-3 hour maximum. So the car would get towed anyway.

Maybe he is in denial or just not thinking. It’s honestly making me so resentful though. I don’t have the luxury of just shoving my head in the sand because my son needs a functional parent who can be there for him! He needs love and support.

Also I do really appreciate the input and I appreciate people agreeing that a little boy with a lumbar puncture shouldn’t be walking etc but I don’t really need to hear the horror stories about vomiting and being in agony - I’m stressed and upset enough about my baby undergoing the general anaesthetic he reacted to previously plus the lumbar puncture and EEG. I don’t need those thoughts in my mind (and maybe that’s denial but really that I at least need to be in a bit of denial about).

Yanbu. Your son has a health problem that is difficult / not well understood. You are at an advanced stage of pregnancy. One of these might mean that you have to carry more of the burden if he is putting a big shift in at work. But both? Come on, it’s time for him to get busy. He is being a complete slacker. Time to have a complete meltdown - no excuse for this rubbish. He is bang out of order.

Just shut your toddler in the room with him while you do the call elsewhere. I know the wifi's not good anywhere else but if you remove your child from the equation then that's one thing that will make it easier.

If you've argued it out with your h, then I'd send him a formal email telling him what hte problem is, what your expectations, what he HAS to do to earn your continuing trust in him. If you set it out in writing, he will have to read it. Try to be unemotional in your wording. He's put a professional armour on and thinks only as far as that. It needs to be smashed but to do that you need to get inside first.

Hi OP he sounds an absolute arese in all of this and his behaviour is shocking. Especially saying he won't be there to bring you home.

Is there a possibility your husband is actually afraid of medical issues, hospitals, his son being in need of medical procedures etc and this is his (clumsy, insulting, fucking awful really) way of dealing with it? Meanwhile you have no choice but to get on with it and you must be feeling apprehensive (understatement) too.

No excuse whatsoever but maybe one to discuss with him as part of your chat later?

I hope he sees sense and gets a grip - even if you have an understanding whereby you do most childcare this really is a special circumstance and he needs to step up.

He sounds shit. Shitter than shit. Did he want kids? Do they not have a bond at all?

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout If it's anything like the Royal London hospital then my partner wouldn't have a cat in hell's chance of convincing me its better to leave the car nearby. Like you, 'nearby' would mean Sainsbury's where I got a ticket last time I parked there for a hospital appointment with DCs.

OP don't freak out about the LP, the previous poster's experience is NOT typical. DC will need to lie flat for a while after (presumably GA for this? sorry I'm not sure what else he's having and I don't do paeds), that will make sure he doesn't get a headache afterwards, as the cerebrospinal fluid sorts itself out while you lie down, bad headaches are usually when the patient doesn't get to lie flat long enough after the LP. It is normal for me to see patients walk out of the ward fine after an LP, very unusual for anyone to feel dreadful headache/sickness. So please try not to worry about that. DC might feel like he's been kicked in the back, but not incapacitated.

He's a selfish cunt.

The going drinking and lying about it when you had a newborn, refusing you to use his office, expecting you to deal with this really stressful medical situation alone, in fact making it harder than it needs to be, when you're 38 weeks pregnant, the general thoughtlessness and selfishness... Maybe he is funny and clever and you love him, but he's still a selfish cunt. I'm angry for you and I hope you tear a fucking strip off him.

I dont live with my partner but we've been together for a number of years, he gets on great with my son. My sons had various hospital apps due to his health and my partners been at nearly everyone (dropped off, picked up, stayed in waiting area or come in if I wanted him to). My sons dad on the other hands not attended one. They just have no bond. I feel sorry for you and your son OP.

@nothingcomestonothing

Thank you so much for
That reassuring post. Yes he will have a GA as it’s done just after the MRI. Thank you!

@ Hopefullynothingtoworryabout

I'm so sorry you're having such a crappy and worrying time with your DC and the stresses of late pregnancy and Covid 19 added on must be absolutely horrendous.

I'd suggest, when you talk to him after DC is in bed, simply saying to your DH 'I need you to listen to me and not interrupt, OK?'

Then say something like ' I know we agreed that I would be the primary care giver for our children, and I still intend to do so, but at NO TIME did I agree to be the SOLE care giver and parent. '

'Your emotional and physical contribution has been non existent for a long time, and you even outright lie to me to avoid spending time with us. Until now, this has been brushed under the carpet in the busyness of normal day to day living, but it either ends now, or we actually begin to talk separation but you will have to change either way.........I cannot continue to be the only parent our child has as the added stress of our DC's medical needs, the imminent birth of our second DC and the risk of Covid 19 has altered my life, and the total LACK of understanding, concern, love, care, thoughtfulness etc has become insurmountable for me.'

'You have two choices, either you tell me things will not change for you and you will continue to not give two fucks about me or the children................or you tell me exactly HOW and WHEN and WHY you WILL change things and give your family the love and support we need, because love and support are NOT money.'

Either way, your life is about to change forever, it's either going to be WITH your wife and children, or as a divorced man with support payments and child visiting days, for which you will have to parent ALONE, as I have always done..........You can let me know your decision tomorrow morning, goodnight.'

I wish you the very best, both for your DC's health, the birth, and for the future of your family.

What kind of piss poor parent wouldn’t want to come and pick their little boy up from the hospital after a lumbar puncture.

Surely any man worth his salt would be doing everything possible to be there collect him and his pregnant wife from the doors, even if he wasn’t allowed into the hospital.

I get that depending on jobs it isn’t always possible to be there but it doesn’t sound like his is one of those jobs. It sounds like he doesn’t even want to and hasn’t even tried

He has just tried to get a bit tearful and come over to me saying he’s finding it very upsetting. I don’t want to be unsympathetic but I am finding it upsetting and I am going to be the one who needs to see DS through these things, not him. He hasn’t so much as attended a blood test! I also think if he were upset then he wouldn’t be so fucking unhelpful about facilitating zoom calls etc. I know I don’t have the monopoly on feelings but the car thing takes the biscuit.

@WhatCFeryIsThis

It’s not that hospital but very similar thing!

I've had a few LPs and they have all been painless. I have deveoloped bad headache once or twice, though, but never been sick. I hope my exerience helps you feel better about it too.

Mind you, I wouldn't have been able to walk further than the main exit, even after they let me get up! I needed help.

My DH would be fighting with me (nicely) as to who would take my son tbh, that is normal behaviour from a parent. The two of us would be wanting to go (under normal circumstances with no corona stuff)