Why would this woman split up two families?

[Ihavetochangemyname]

I've got a bit of a weird AIBU and probably wouldn't dream of airing this in real life but think it's one that the MNetters would be helpful with.

I appreciate its a first world problem and if it bothers me so much don't engage with social media, etc, etc. But I have read it and it's bothered me so much this weekend I can't stop thinking of it. Here it is.

A couple of years ago I met a nice lady socially, via Slimming World. We hit it off. I didn't see her outside of SW, but always sat next to her and chatted. I left SW about a year ago and desperately want to go back when it reopens for group. We were friends on Facebook and I commented on her photos, the usual. She seemed very happily married, two lovely kids.

Anyway, she's not an oversharer on FB, but I noticed she'd put sad emojis up which she doesn't usually do. After a bit of probing around it appears her husband has left her for her best friend and next door neighbour!! He's moved in next door with the neighbour and her son, splitting up two families.

I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her. I'm appalled that a woman can do this to another? Am I just totally naive?

One is the guardian of one's own marriage. You make that commitment, it's your responsibility, male or female. Blaming women when men are weak and stray isn't going to break misogynistic cycles. That's absolutely ridiculous.

Excellently put, @ShebaShimmyShake.

Ridiculously simple and common sense, but unfortunately still needs to be iterated to some women. Very depressing.

YABU. It takes two to tango. Why is it always the job of a woman to pick up the emotional mess after a man who can't keep it in his trousers?

@sadandlonely2020

Can we change that to 'the only reason men cheat is because they want to'?

They might want to but if women decide to keep their hands of another woman's husband they won't be able to.

Well, I could end crime tomorrow by putting everyone under permanent house arrest. How's that?

If you found out that your husband was propositioning women and the only reason he hadn't actually strayed was because they'd all said no, I don't think you'd be secure and happy in your faithful marriage. The intention and willingness on his part is the problem, not other people, oh fuck it, other women, refusing to be the gatekeepers of his penis.

I get so depressed that there are still people who think like this. Your husband's commitment to you, or your wife's, is their responsibility, not the rest of the world's.

Why do we still have to explain this?

It must be heartbreaking for your friend. I hope she finds genuine happiness elsewhere.

This thread shows that it's not ok to judge a woman for having an affair with a married man

No it doesn't. It shows that the majority of posters on this thread think it is not o.k. to only blame a woman for something a man did.

Exaggerating does not make your point, it undermines it.

I could never have an affair with a married man because of the pain it would cause the wife and family & also I would never be able to trust that they wouldn’t do the same to me.

@sadandlonely2020 - They might want to but if women decide to keep their hands of another woman's husband they won't be able to.

And rapists might want to rape, but if women decide not to venture out to places rapists might be lurking, they won't be able to.

OP I get why you were initially horrified at the woman. I'm assuming you are female yourself and related to it - as in I would never do that to another woman and her family.

as has been pointed out, it is both parties in the wrong but I am sure you have got that message now.

yanbu to feel a certain way about it, however I cant help but think both jilted families have had a lucky escape. better that this woman and bloke left respective families then cheat/continued to cheat. atleast their partners can move on now rather than be in relationships with people who are clearly able to jump ship so easily. maybe think about it in that respect rather than feeling sad

The intention and willingness on his part is the problem, not other people, oh fuck it, other women, refusing to be the gatekeepers of his penis

Absolutely this!

Why should women be judged by different standards than men, just because 'men can be crap'? Why is it a woman's responsibility to compensate for male 'crapness' by being 'better'?

No I'm judging them both by the same standard but I know that woman overall are safer than men. Ie less crap then man. Ie We do less crap things than men do.

And like I said I would feel let down by a woman doing that to another woman, just like some men may feel let down when a man does it. It's letting down the side.

I admit to being a tad misandrist. Life has taught me that men are crap overall, some outliers, some good but far too many are rubbish in different ways.

I don't think I am misogynistic as like I said I would judge and blame them both equally. It takes two.

[quote OchonAgusOchonO]**@sadandlonely2020* - They might want to but if women decide to keep their hands of another woman's husband they won't be able to.*

And rapists might want to rape, but if women decide not to venture out to places rapists might be lurking, they won't be able to.[/quote]
Darn women, daring to exist in public.

Everybody keeps talking about it as an affair- has the OP actually said that? Does she know that?

As we as woman are not ‘silly little things’ who have no responsibility to ourselves, or to other women.

There it is. Referring to women who don't accept that they are the bearers of said responsibility as 'silly little things'. This amply proves the point PPs have been making about internalized misogyny.

Let's be clear: shared sex does not confer any form of responsibility to other women on me. Not sorry. It just doesn't.

And since when did anyone ever hear such a proclamation made about men? That they have responsibility to other men, by virtue of the fact that they're men? Put like that it sounds as ludicrous as it really is.

It's unbelievable that people are still internalizing, much less peddling, this narrative.

And rapists might want to rape, but if women decide not to venture out to places rapists might be lurking, they won't be able to.

As a victim of sexual abuse I find this comparison offence. Sometimes you have to make your point with the information at hand without bringing up an untalented situation that will be triggering, offensive and disturbing to women on here. It's hard enough being a women in the world without this!

And since when did anyone ever hear such a proclamation made about men? That they have responsibility to other men, by virtue of the fact that they're men? Put like that it sounds as ludicrous as it really is.

This totally captures the absurdity of it. No one ever talks about the ‘boy code’ now do they?

As a victim of sexual abuse I find this comparison offence.

It’s exactly the same reasoning applied to a different concept. It’s all offensive and your reaction to that comment shows it.

The amount of time and energy society devotes to letting men off the hook of their own sexual actions is quite something.

Why is ‘being responsible for themselves’ such a radical thought?

It’s exactly the same reasoning applied to a different concept. It’s all offensive and your reaction to that comment shows it.

Your lack of compassion (and misunderstanding of the reasoning) is disturbing.

You would rather attack a rape victim to back up your own argument than show any empathy. Even saying nothing would have been more dignified.

This is why as women, we need to protect ourselves. Sometimes it's our own kind that is the biggest threat to our cause.

I'm just so very saddened and disturbed right now. I'm going to have to take time to let this sink in.

They might want to but if women decide to keep their hands of another woman's husband they won't be able to.

Wives don’t own their husbands. Husbands are free human beings who can do what they want.
Unfortunately, what they WANT to do is cheat.

Your lack of compassion (and misunderstanding of the reasoning) is disturbing.

No. Your lack of recognition of your internalised misogyny is very problematic.

Go away. Think about it. Challenge your preconceptions of the world.

It’s not the women’s job to manage men’s sexual behaviour. In any circumstance.

Why is ‘being responsible for themselves’ such a radical thought?

Because the patriarchy make 'the rules', and the rules are ALWAYS going to protect men's freedoms and choices..why wouldn't they?

Their lives are made better by keeping women down and in their place.

Why would you give up being top dog to be the under dog.

Women have (and always will be ) the slaves of slaves.

[quote OchonAgusOchonO]**@sadandlonely2020* - They might want to but if women decide to keep their hands of another woman's husband they won't be able to.*

And rapists might want to rape, but if women decide not to venture out to places rapists might be lurking, they won't be able to.[/quote]
While I agree with your overall point, thats a pretty shitty and uncalled for comparison. As a victim of rape, its really not nice to see the worst thing that's ever happened to you being used argue about a man and woman's willingness to cheat on their partners. They aren't on the same level and shouldn't be compared. Prove your point in a more tasteful way or don't bother.

Almost all have missed the point of the post, focusing on my error in not being equally appalled by both parties

The error wasn't a typo, though. You misjudged the room.

I wish I'd never posted. What an unpleasant place this is

You got called out on your misogyny.

When people have been deserted following an affair, a certain amount of leeway is often afforded if they're angry with the OW because many realise it comes from a place of deep hurt and it's understandable that in shock, someone's first reaction might be to blame external circumstances (including other people) for the inexplicable behaviour of their spouse whom they obviously thought they knew and believed could never do anything like that. Posters still point out the misogyny, but they will often take into account the circumstances and the shock and pain being experienced by the OP.

This situation, however, is completely different - you're just passing judgement on a woman (and inviting the bashing of all OW) and you're not even involved in the situation yourself. You're not going to get sympathy for being misogynistic in that situation, especially when the whole point of your post is to shit on women.

I noticed she'd put sad emojis up which she doesn't usually do. After a bit of probing around it appears her husband has left her for her best friend and next door neighbour!!

So she publicised her sadness on social media. And you 'probed'. Exclamation mark.

Did you mean to say 'probed', or do you mean you offered her some of the emotional support she was clearly looking for? What an odd way to describe it.

@Sizedoesmatter

While I agree with your overall point, thats a pretty shitty and uncalled for comparison. As a victim of rape, its really not nice to see the worst thing that's ever happened to you being used argue about a man and woman's willingness to cheat on their partners. They aren't on the same level and shouldn't be compared. Prove your point in a more tasteful way or don't bother.

I disagree, it' a valid comparison. For all you know, @Ochon may also be a victim of rape. I'm sorry about what happened to you.

Your naive OP.