Why would this woman split up two families?

[Ihavetochangemyname]

I've got a bit of a weird AIBU and probably wouldn't dream of airing this in real life but think it's one that the MNetters would be helpful with.

I appreciate its a first world problem and if it bothers me so much don't engage with social media, etc, etc. But I have read it and it's bothered me so much this weekend I can't stop thinking of it. Here it is.

A couple of years ago I met a nice lady socially, via Slimming World. We hit it off. I didn't see her outside of SW, but always sat next to her and chatted. I left SW about a year ago and desperately want to go back when it reopens for group. We were friends on Facebook and I commented on her photos, the usual. She seemed very happily married, two lovely kids.

Anyway, she's not an oversharer on FB, but I noticed she'd put sad emojis up which she doesn't usually do. After a bit of probing around it appears her husband has left her for her best friend and next door neighbour!! He's moved in next door with the neighbour and her son, splitting up two families.

I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her. I'm appalled that a woman can do this to another? Am I just totally naive?

She wont come back.

But it's interesting isn't it? This 'awful place' is an education sometimes. I wonder if she'll think slightly differently in future rather than the knee jerk 1950s ''ooooooh that harlot down the road has split up two families ...'' bollocks.

It is easy to simply go on thinking and speaking the way you've heard other people around you thinking and speaking for years.

The only reason men cheat is because there are women out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband. Despicable.

Wow. Well that takes all the biscuits.

Poor menz. Such victims.

The only reason men cheat is because there are women out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband. Despicable.

Is this supposed to be sarcastic? Can we change to 'the only reason men cheat is because there are women and prostitutes out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband'?

Why is your post about the woman and not about the man?

Why should women be judged by different standards than men, just because 'men can be crap'? Why is it a woman's responsibility to compensate for male 'crapness' by being 'better'?
Actually I think it's a sad fact of life that it's usually the women who are left holding the baby when men disappear, and this fact alone does imply some solidarity between women is important. Also the fact that women go through menopause whilst men do not, i.e. a man can have a child at 90 and it is not "wasteful" from mother nature's point of view because the mother must by definition be young enough, say under 45, to stand a good chance of raising that child to adulthood. It matters less to the successful outcome of raising a child that the man may be absent through death or choice. So I'm equally disappointed when a man or a woman behave badly, but I'm less surprised when it's a man.

@Gulabjamoon I respect your view that you wouldn’t judge a woman as harshly, however I despair sometimes that women are prepared to do this, partly because they get no judgement because they were single.

@Socialdistancegintonic

I also think there are many women out there who uphold normalised misogyny and enable it to continue on generation to generation. Walking away from marriages and children for a younger woman, as many many older men do, is something unfortunately many woman seem only too happy to oblige in.

We do hold power as women, and one of them is to judge other women who do this, as well as the men. It’s one way to break damaging misogynistic cycles.

Oh stop it. Judging other women when older men dump their wives for a younger model is exactly what upholds and normalises this misogyny, and enables men to get away with it because they don't get held responsible for their own actions and now they get to cackle about how bitchy and competitive women are.

One is the guardian of one's own marriage. You make that commitment, it's your responsibility, male or female. Blaming women when men are weak and stray isn't going to break misogynistic cycles. That's absolutely ridiculous.

I'm wondering OP if your friend is something who you really admire and look up to which could be why you are mortified? In the sense that how could someone with a seemingly perfect life face this sort of situation?

It would be nice of you to send a message to your friend to catch up, maybe have a video call. Could be a weekly thing. I think if you hit it off with someone it would be a shame to not try and be better friends. Part of what making slimming world special is the connections you can make with other people and reaching out to others may be something you need and other members of your group would appreciate.

Lot's of people enjoy learning more about others through social media, I don't think Facebook snooping is as rare as some people might think so I think the calls for getting a hobby may be unnecessary but it is important OP to set boundaries for yourself on the snooping front, I don't know if you do this but some people compare their lives with others and this can make them unhappy.

I also agree with many of the previous posts on internalised misogyny, it's difficult to accept when we have it but it's worth listening to the previous posters on this.

If it is true that your friend's husband and her friend/next door neighbour are having an affair, it could just be that they were in the ideal situation to and were only thinking of themselves. For the husband, he's just moving from one house to the next, his children are nearby, his work isn't affected, he maintains a stable homelife for himself, he found something exciting from the friend/neighbour that maybe he couldn't find from his wife, maybe he didn't want to step up to certain responsibilities and an affair was his way out of them and/or the friend/neighbour wasn't asking for the same, maybe he didn't like the most likely positive changes he was seeing in his wife (confidence, assertiveness, higher sense of worth could come from weight loss) during her slimming world journey, he didn't necessarily have anything to lose and you could argue that despite all the hurt it causes, he's made what he perceives to be a better life for himself. For the friend/ neighbour next door, I don't know if you've mentioned that she has a partner but if she does, maybe they were having issues, maybe the husband filled a gap or needs her partner didn't, maybe the husband made her feel needed, maybe she had oodles of self confidence and knew she could maintain her current lifestyle easily as long as she had a different partner. And of course whatever reasons the husband left his wife for, the friend/neighbour could have left her partner for the same reasons. Sometimes people do what they want re affairs, if it makes them happy, if they know they can, they feel they can accept the consequences of it or think there's a low risk to consequences and more benefits.

@sadandlonely2020 - The only reason men cheat is because there are women out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband.

and

@Gulabjamoon - Can we change to 'the only reason men cheat is because there are women and prostitutes out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband'?

Can we change that to 'the only reason men cheat is because they want to'?

Oh stop it. Judging other women when older men dump their wives for a younger model is exactly what upholds and normalises this misogyny, and enables men to get away with it because they don't get held responsible for their own actions and now they get to cackle about how bitchy and competitive women are

So in your logic, if your friend of 30, had an affair with a 50 year old with children, and then he left his wife and kids, you’d be totally fine with your friend? Give her your full support?

When did I say men are not responsible for their actions? When did I say don’t judge men? Of course I judge men for this. Pretty harshly! However I would also judge the woman.

As we as woman are not ‘silly little things’ who have no responsibility to ourselves, or to other women.

The only reason men cheat is because there are women out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband

Yep, its the role of women to police the sexual behaviour of married men. It's not the men's responsibility at all. Oh no. Those tempting women. Despicable.

Judging other women when older men dump their wives for a younger model is exactly what upholds and normalises this misogyny, and enables men to get away with it because they don't get held responsible for their own actions

Blaming women when men are weak and stray isn't going to break misogynistic cycles. That's absolutely ridiculous

@ShebaShimmyShake You are my new Shero. Everything you have written is just so bang on the money.

To be fair, the title says how can A woman do this, not THIS woman..I think she was trying to figure out how one woman, given that women are generally more empathetic than men, could do this to her neighbour.

Let's face it we all know men can be selfish and uncaring (not all, I know), it's kind of a common theme around here, but women generally are kinder than that.

I feel bad for the friend tbh, it's hard enough under normal circumstances but knowing they are next door would be unbearable. That's the cruel part.

I wish I'd never posted. What an unpleasant place this is

You post a terribly misogynist post and then get annoyed when we point that out?

Although the other side of the OP's post is that men are thought of by society as being like children and the only people who should be expected to behave like responsible adults are women. So maybe it is really a subtle form of misandry

Oops apologies, I completely misread the title, my head's mashed obviously. I still think that's what OP was questioning though.

Note to self:. Read things properly to avoid making a tit out of yourself.

I have to say I agree with the OP I wish I'd never posted. What an unpleasant place this is

I think all the woman tearing down OP and any other woman poster who dares to suggest that the OW should bear any responsibility - falls right into propping up the misogynistic world... as long as the woman are fighting amongst each other...

Depressing!

@Socialdistancegintonic

Oh stop it. Judging other women when older men dump their wives for a younger model is exactly what upholds and normalises this misogyny, and enables men to get away with it because they don't get held responsible for their own actions and now they get to cackle about how bitchy and competitive women are

So in your logic, if your friend of 30, had an affair with a 50 year old with children, and then he left his wife and kids, you’d be totally fine with your friend? Give her your full support?

When did I say men are not responsible for their actions? When did I say don’t judge men? Of course I judge men for this. Pretty harshly! However I would also judge the woman.

As we as woman are not ‘silly little things’ who have no responsibility to ourselves, or to other women.

Is this all you've got? Absolute made up bollocks that nobody even implied?

No, I wouldn't support her, but nor would I blame her for HIS marriage. I'd blame him and him alone for abandoning his marriage, if indeed it really was as simple as that. It's not as though he'd be less culpable if he'd left for an older woman, another man, a horse or a cross-dressing compulsion. It was his marriage and his responsibility.

Your assertion that we can somehow avoid misogyny by blaming women when men stray is so risible that I can't say more or I'll be reported for troll hunting. However, on the off chance that you're serious: do not worry. Women already bear the brunt of blame for men's indiscretions, and have done since year dot, as this very OP proves We have a VERY long way to go before the scales even balance, let alone tip, so do not worry about it. It's not women who are being seen as silly things with no agency.

Let's face it we all know men can be selfish and uncaring but women generally are kinder than that

I'm going to use an pp words to answer this.

Blaming women when men are weak and stray isn't going to break misogynistic cycles

I get that this is an upsetting situation from your friends but your attitude that the woman has broken up two families, rather than that they have both broken up their own marriages shows a deeply misogynistic bias.

Is anyone saying the OW is blameless? Of course she isn't. But it's the husband who made the marriage vows, the husband who chose to cheat, the husband who has walked out on his family, the husband who is causing all of this grief.

The OW is more to blame for leaving HER husband/family (if she has one) for the same reasons.

The problem is that the OP never even mentioned the husband's part in this at all, when he is the one screwing her friend over!

I think all the woman tearing down OP and any other woman poster who dares to suggest that the OW should bear any responsibility - falls right into propping up the misogynistic world... as long as the woman are fighting amongst each other

Right, so in order to fight misogyny women must:

1. Not point out when another woman shows internalised misogyny by blaming only women for something a man did
2. Not have dialogue or debate with other women, but instead develop a hive mind.
3. Use exaggerated and insulting language about any woman who fails to obey rules (1) and (2)

Can we change that to 'the only reason men cheat is because they want to'?

They might want to but if women decide to keep their hands of another woman's husband they won't be able to.

The only reason men cheat is because there are women out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband

And failing to be sexually available constantly and to have his dinner ready on the table when he comes in from work.

FFS!

This thread shows that it's not ok to judge a woman for having an affair with a married man, but if a woman puts a clumsily worded post on mumsnet then the gloves are off!!!

Its like we don't even need men to hold us back.

Sometimes marriages just aren’t right - that might be why this man and woman have decided they will be happier together. No one else knows the background to this so we shouldn’t judge.

In 1962 my 20 year old pregnant mother left her husband taking their tiny baby (me) for one of his work colleagues. She married her new man when the divorce came through and they stayed together for nearly 30 years until his untimely death in his early 50s.

It was a massive scandal at the time that she broke up the family but no one outside knew of the physical abuse she suffered from her first husband. Even if a partner isn’t abusive people have the right to leave an unhappy relationship to seek a better one.