Why would this woman split up two families?

[Ihavetochangemyname]

I've got a bit of a weird AIBU and probably wouldn't dream of airing this in real life but think it's one that the MNetters would be helpful with.

I appreciate its a first world problem and if it bothers me so much don't engage with social media, etc, etc. But I have read it and it's bothered me so much this weekend I can't stop thinking of it. Here it is.

A couple of years ago I met a nice lady socially, via Slimming World. We hit it off. I didn't see her outside of SW, but always sat next to her and chatted. I left SW about a year ago and desperately want to go back when it reopens for group. We were friends on Facebook and I commented on her photos, the usual. She seemed very happily married, two lovely kids.

Anyway, she's not an oversharer on FB, but I noticed she'd put sad emojis up which she doesn't usually do. After a bit of probing around it appears her husband has left her for her best friend and next door neighbour!! He's moved in next door with the neighbour and her son, splitting up two families.

I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her. I'm appalled that a woman can do this to another? Am I just totally naive?

[changeofheart1234567]

That’s awful. It happens a lot, of course, but to move the affair right next door must be almost impossible to bear. For that reason alone, I would condemn both parties involved as truly horrible people. Following your heart is one thing, and I don’t generally judge that, but to rub it in your ex partner’s face is that way is unforgivable. It’s vile behaviour.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

the man is as much to blame

No, he's entirely to blame for failing his own commitment. The woman is responsible for her own commitments. I'm tired of this "equally to blame" stuff. A person who promises themselves to another is solely, 100% responsible for that commitment. I don't believe everyone who has an affair is evil and the other partner always a perfect victim - these things can be complicated - but it is never an outsider's responsibility to police someone else's marriage.

If a married man propositions women and the only reason he stays true is because they all say no, are people happy with that faithful marriage? Is he a good and sincere husband?

[Tigersneeze]

"I wish there was a way of editing.
**
Almost all have missed the point of the post, focusing on my error in not being equally appalled by both parties.

I wish I'd never posted. What an unpleasant place this is."

language matters - not sure your wording is an error more likely deeply internalised misogyny.

whilst it sounds like both - DH and Neighbour OW are equally to blame, women's historical role of the scapegoat make it even worse when these stereotypes are reinforced.

STOP. BLAMING. WOMAN. FOR. MALE. BEHAVIOUR.

[Rewis]

I'm not to blame the other woman in cases like this. However, best friend sleeping with best friends husband is absolutely unacceptable. Husband is to blame and the best friend is to blame.

[OchonAgusOchonO]

@Rewis - Husband is to blame and the best friend is to blame.

Husband is to blame for his actions and friend is to blame for her actions. And yeah, I agree, she's a crap friend.

Neither is to blame for the other's actions.

[Gulabjamoon]

Society holds women up to higher standards, and also other minorities. The bar is higher for women.

[OchonAgusOchonO]

@Gulabjamoon - Society holds women up to higher standards, and also other minorities. The bar is higher for women.

I agree, except women aren't a minority, although I know what you mean.

[alittlelower]

The other woman clearly has internalised misogyny to do this to another woman

Has a man ever been accused on internalised misandry when he does something that hurts another man? No. That is how we can tell that the above comment is deeply sexist.

I suspect the OW did what she did for exactly the same reason the man did. They both liked sex and they both liked each other.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

It's obviously a shitty thing to do, but why is it internalised misogyny to shag a married man? Why is there this assumption that the motivation was to attack another woman, rather than because the affair brought satisfaction and pleasure? Why are women always being bashed about for betraying the "sisterhood", as seems to be happening all over the shop right now, when men aren't criticised for betraying a "brotherhood"?

It is obviously wrong to shag a married person, but a) if you make a promise to another person then that's on you to keep and b) it isn't exacerbated when a woman does it by the bonds of some imaginary "sisterhood".

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

@ShebaShimmyShake

It's obviously a shitty thing to do, but why is it internalised misogyny to shag a married man? Why is there this assumption that the motivation was to attack another woman, rather than because the affair brought satisfaction and pleasure? Why are women always being bashed about for betraying the "sisterhood", as seems to be happening all over the shop right now, when men aren't criticised for betraying a "brotherhood"?

It is obviously wrong to shag a married person, but a) if you make a promise to another person then that's on you to keep and b) it isn't exacerbated when a woman does it by the bonds of some imaginary "sisterhood".

An exception to this is John Terry and Ryan Giggs. They were both crucified. Especially JT who lost his England captain’s armband.
I wonder if “boy code” is just not spoken of as openly but it still exists.

[resskiestonight]

This is not ‘sisterhood’ in a generic sense. This was her best friend AND her own husband and family who she moved next door to. Husband massive dick too. Who do I blame more on my limited knowledge, her. Would think same if a man had done this to his best mate and wife. It’s appalling for both of them tho obvs. I’m still shocked thinking about it a day later. That poor woman. Callous beating belief

[resskiestonight]

Beyond belief

[alittlelower]

I think its quite common for affairs to involve best friends of the spouse being cheated on. I mean, not only are they likely to spend quite a lot of time together, but they are quite likely to get on being as they have a shared mutual friend/spouse so presumably have some sort of commonality of personality/ interests. I know very few people who have had affairs, but they have tended to involve friends of the cheated upon spouse.

[HRTRefusal]

The only reason men cheat is because there are women out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband

And when men cheat on their wives with other men? Which woman should we blame then, his wife?

[dayswithaY]

They are both selfish arseholes, what's to argue about?

[AryaStarkWolf]

The only reason men cheat is because there are women out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband

Yes poor men, how are they expected to say no to all these wanton hussy's

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

The only reason men cheat is because there are women out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband

The only reason men (or anyone) cheats in an officially monogamous relationship is that they are happy to sleep with someone who isn't their partner. The other person is no saint, but they didn't stand up and say vows to the other person's spouse. Their husband/wife did, so the blame has to fall on them.

[Alittleshortforaspacepooper]

The only reason men cheat is because there are women out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband

This is honestly the most stupid comment I have ever seen on MN... and that is really saying something...

[UnicornW]

Similar situation happened to a friend of mine, only it was him who left his wife for his next door neighbour. He is sooooo much happier with his new wife... he's obviously selfish and put his own happiness above his kids. But I do appreciate how he was so dissatisfied with his life back then and now his entire life is different and it worked out so well for him. They moved out of the country and she has her kids and his are away at uni. Not sure what happened with the other parties involved except they are still very bitter. Anyways, I'm sad for your SW friend but the alternative might have been being married to a man who was extremely unhappy and that isn't fair to her or him either. He def should have went about things a different way though!

[Lostmyshityear9]

Why is there this assumption that the motivation was to attack another woman, rather than because the affair brought satisfaction and pleasure?

I am not one for blaming women for men's poor behaviour but fucking hell, what kind of person are you that sleeping with a married man gives you both satisfaction and pleasure?! I am not sure that is anything I would want to personally aspire to, nor would I want my children to aspire to that. You are basically saying 'my happiness above all else' which, whilst not a mad way to live a life, needs some caveats, surely?

Not sure what happened with the other parties involved except they are still very bitter

You should try it sometime. Being the last to know. Having your life turned upside down. Having every single memory just pissed all over. I had to put up with the OW and my husband (as he still was at the time) travel half way across the world with my children and stay in the same hotel we got married in. He took everything financially and it has taken me years and years to recover. Whilst I have shifted in my thinking an awful lot, I will never trust with the abandon I did previously and my relationships will never quite be the same. But he's happy, so fuck me, eh?!

[Pebblexox]

Was their an affair? Assuming so the woman is in the wrong for being with a married man, however it isn't just her that has broken up the two families. I hate this narrative where the woman is the home wrecker, and the man is just ignored.

[Leflic]

Gulabjamoon Not sure you have fixed it really .
Totally get the point that the married party is at fault. And I’d agree that it’s not some wanton harlot enticing the man against his will. But there’s two people in a marriage and both know when they sign up there is a risk the marriage will fail. Whoever cheats already has one foot out, to even consider it.The cheater knows they’ve failed the marriage.

The person who has the affair with the married person has no business being in the marriage. The “unhappy man” shouldn’t be their problem.
Actively choosing to involve yourself in a marriage break up is a shitty thing to do.

A bit like helpfully lending your car to someone who has been drinking and they want to get homeL Of course the drunk driver would be totally responsible when the accident happens. But lending them a car was a dick move.

[Justheretobeclear]

It's funny. None of us complained when Allie had an affair with Noah...

[blosstree]

How people react to fantasy and real life are not in the least bit comparable

[UnicornW]

@Justheretobeclear

It's funny. None of us complained when Allie had an affair with Noah...

The best part of lockdown so far has been binging this!