Why would this woman split up two families?

[Ihavetochangemyname]

I've got a bit of a weird AIBU and probably wouldn't dream of airing this in real life but think it's one that the MNetters would be helpful with.

I appreciate its a first world problem and if it bothers me so much don't engage with social media, etc, etc. But I have read it and it's bothered me so much this weekend I can't stop thinking of it. Here it is.

A couple of years ago I met a nice lady socially, via Slimming World. We hit it off. I didn't see her outside of SW, but always sat next to her and chatted. I left SW about a year ago and desperately want to go back when it reopens for group. We were friends on Facebook and I commented on her photos, the usual. She seemed very happily married, two lovely kids.

Anyway, she's not an oversharer on FB, but I noticed she'd put sad emojis up which she doesn't usually do. After a bit of probing around it appears her husband has left her for her best friend and next door neighbour!! He's moved in next door with the neighbour and her son, splitting up two families.

I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her. I'm appalled that a woman can do this to another? Am I just totally naive?

[dottiedodah]

I dont think this is an unpleasant place TBH! I get what you mean but it does take two to tango really doesnt it? Your friend has got a terrible deal by living next door to the pair of them! I think there is a kind of feeling that men "cant help themselves " and will fall at the feet of any woman "throwing themselves at them!"This is clearly not true, and it is very likely the couples had problems in the first instance .You dont know all the facts here .Maybe just chat to your friend online and see if she wants to meet up with you for some support/help at this time .

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

Even if you are equally appalled by both parties, as I say you don't know the marriages. Maybe they were both unhappy but two of them have formed a new relationship and are happy. I know of several couples whose relationships started as affairs but they're still together 10, 20, 30 years on. It's far from ideal but should people stay in unhappy marriages and not be in relationships with someone they really love just because originally they were married to someone else?

[ConstantlySeekingHappiness]

I don’t see who is being unpleasant, either to you or generally.

You have shown your bias about women in these scenarios, that wasn’t a mistake. You didn’t misspeak.

And you’ve been challenged on it.

I think that’s fair. Sorry you don’t like being challenged about your bias.

[wildcherries]

So because the women here are not readily slagging off the other woman while giving the husband a pass, it's an unpleasant place? Right.

[ArriettyJones]

You saw some “sad emojis” on the FB page of a vague acquaintance and so felt compelled to do “a bit of probing” until you had the full picture of her marriage breakdown?

Get a better hobby, honestly.

[RandomLondoner]

I'm appalled at people who are appalled at anyone in this scenario. The other women has not done anything to her, and neither has the man.

If you're automatically appalled because someone has left their spouse, then you must subscribe to the idea that once you've signed up to a relationship, you are the other persons property for the rest of your life, no matter what.

Whenever people are appalled, in threads like these, there's usually no adverse information about the leaver other than they've left. So it is that people are appalled by. And they are unreasonable.

Of course it's possible that the leaver has been unreasonable, after taking everyones interest into account. Although I don't know how you can take into account how much the leaver has gained by leaving, as no-one else is likely to have a clue. And that is a vital part of any calculation.

[LockdownLump]

The title of your OP is regarding 'the woman's splitting up two families. And end the post with I'm appalled that a woman can do this to another?

It is internalised misogyny and it isn't unpleasant of people to point out that you lay blame for this at the woman's door.

[CuppaZa]

@Ihavetochangemyname I read your post rather than just the title, and I can see your point was actually about the fact that her DH has moved in with her best friend and next door neighbour. I agree, that must be absolutely appalling for your friend. Imagine seeing him come and go, going to bed knowing he’s next for in bed with her. Probably hearing them in the garden. Seeing them going out together. Vile situation.
Oh, and please don’t worry about the other posters...standard MN response is to tear apart a title/sentence that isn’t quite worded right and ignore the facts in the post

[JaniceWebster]

I wish I'd never posted. What an unpleasant place this is.
just like the real world where this "place" happens to be.. people don't have to agree with you OP

[Straycatstrut]

Poor people that have been left and poor kids. I've been there and it's absolutely shit. Like the deepest of the blackest sea of shit.

And I was the one left by the man for his ex and I still manage to get the blame "for splitting up a family and being a scummy single mum" because of this attitude OP. He has never, ever once been blamed by anyone - not has the OW for "luring" him away even though she had a partner as well. It's all my fault.

[DameFanny]

Both the OP and and a post lower down saying "It usually takes two to break up a marriage. And I don't include the Other Woman as one of the two" is putting far too much blame on the women in reach case. Especially that lower post.

Yes, women can behave badly, but we're not the bloody police of men - they can behave badly all on their own and not because we lead them astray or "let" them misbehave

[Tigerty]

No you should be more appalled by the husband’s behaviour as others have said. We’re trying to point out you’ve been caught up in the misplaced societal expectation that woman are to blame never the man.

You’ll need to support your friend, she’s going to need it especially as he now lives next door. He won’t be kind through a (likely) divorce. They never are. Tell her that she does not have to give into his wants to make the divorce amicable. She needs to refocus on what SHE needs for herself and her children.

[JaniceWebster]

Why do you even judge the other woman? She has done nothing wrong. She doesn't own anything to anyone.

The husband broke his vows and commitment, he lied and cheated. Falling out of love would mean to break up, that happens, not jumping in someone's bed so obviously before you even end your marriage.

If you're automatically appalled because someone has left their spouse, then you must subscribe to the idea that once you've signed up to a relationship, you are the other persons property for the rest of your life, no matter what.
of course not, but you end up your relationship first. You change your mind, it happens. What is wrong is the cheating part.

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

@Ihavetochangemyname

Yes of course I'm appalled at the husband, I'm appalled at both of them.

I'd be more furious at him. My friend had similiar. Married for 20 years. For 5 years under her nose he has an affair with her best friend and NDN who was single. His mother encouraged it and knew about it. He even accused her teenage son of having sex in his parents bed when something was found -I blame them both. His mother thought that she would split them and then he would move closer to them -he moved to a different country with the NDN to get away from the (quite rightly) upset friends locally! Offer her your support. Yes they have split up two households -but rather that then she is with a prick of a husband who clearly behaves like that. A new life a better life awaits her!

[Scrumptiousbears]

To be fair OP your initial thought was clearly against the female in this and this is what you have typed. Only once others have mentioned he is just as bad you've realised your error. It's typical the first thought is to blame the woman.

However to answer your question.

No one goes out to split families up. They are thinking about a shag because they are either unhappy with the situation they are in or greedy and it goes from there.

[Judethe0bscure]

I wish I'd never posted. What an unpleasant place this is
No more unpleasant than you posting this for a "bit of gossip" Come on you didn't post this for a debate on morality now did you?

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

Why did you start enquiring about the life of an acquaintance?

What's the matter did you run out of people in real life to gossip with, so you thought you would start a thread on here asking if you're naive because you dont understand why women steal other womens poor unsuspecting husbands.

[BananaChocolateLump]

I'll steal a man if I want to 😂😂 what you gonna do about it?

[1forAll74]

This is not an unpleasant place, as you have called it. It's just that you have posted about someone, who's marriage has gone to pot,and It happens all the time, and should not concern you. Nothing surprises me about the goings on in some relationships now.

[icedaisy]

@JaniceWebster setting him aside, would you really not say a woman owes her best friend anything?

Of course we don't know they really were best friends but let's say they were, surely you owe your best friend something?

[AnxiousElephant77]

Absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you. I'm surprised you would start a thread on this, to be honest, and expect anything other than the reaction you've received.

[Viviennemary]

This is a lot more common than you might think. A lot of folk are very selfish and do what's best for them and never mind anybody else.

[ConkerGame]

I agree generally with the points made above except for this one by @JaniceWebster “she doesn’t owe anything to anyone”. I would argue that you do owe loyalty/kindness to your friends! Yes you don’t have a legal obligation to, but what is the point of having friends if you can’t trust them?! Even if the husband was the one throwing himself at the woman, as a FRIEND of his wife, she at least owed her the decency of persuading him to end the relationship first and be honest rather than jumping into an affair with him. Of course it would be different if this woman was a total stranger and didn’t know the wife.

I personally would feel I had equally betrayed both my husband and my best friend if I had an affair with my best friend’s husband.

[diddl]

Anyone else wondering about the OW's husband?

[heartsonacake]

She hasn’t broken up two families, they have. Why are you just blaming her and talking about being shocked a woman could do this?