Why would this woman split up two families?

[Ihavetochangemyname]

I've got a bit of a weird AIBU and probably wouldn't dream of airing this in real life but think it's one that the MNetters would be helpful with.

I appreciate its a first world problem and if it bothers me so much don't engage with social media, etc, etc. But I have read it and it's bothered me so much this weekend I can't stop thinking of it. Here it is.

A couple of years ago I met a nice lady socially, via Slimming World. We hit it off. I didn't see her outside of SW, but always sat next to her and chatted. I left SW about a year ago and desperately want to go back when it reopens for group. We were friends on Facebook and I commented on her photos, the usual. She seemed very happily married, two lovely kids.

Anyway, she's not an oversharer on FB, but I noticed she'd put sad emojis up which she doesn't usually do. After a bit of probing around it appears her husband has left her for her best friend and next door neighbour!! He's moved in next door with the neighbour and her son, splitting up two families.

I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her. I'm appalled that a woman can do this to another? Am I just totally naive?

OP I know you mean well here but you clearly have subconsciously assumed that the woman is responsible which is why you are getting a hard time here

I think you need to think a bit about the use of language here!

I agree with you OP. They are both utter cunts.

Nobody has been unpleasant to you. We’re just all a bit that yet again, the woman gets the blame.

You completely lost me with your initial post. If you said how can my friends husband do that to his lovely wife you would get completely different replies than how can one woman do that to another.

Another "what about the man" here!

I don't think it's possible for anyone here to know the full story though.

By asking how this woman could split up two families you are clearly saying the fault is hers .

It took 2 people to have the affair. She didn't break up 2 families. The pair of them did.

Agree with previous posts about the woman blaming.

And why are you mortified about this? You aren’t involved so why would you be embarrassed? Or is it a typo??

Why are you "mortified"? Are you the neighbour?

Why are people incapable of understanding that it is actually possible to be appalled at both the man and the womans behaviour? I'm sure the OP thinks that the husbands behaviour is atrocious. There are probably many facets to the situation. However the one specific thing that she is wondering about at this specific moment in time is the womans role in all of this. That doesn't mean that she condones the husbands behaviour.

Surely people can understand that shock at the husbands behaviour and shock at the womans behaviour isn't mutually exclusive? And that in this one particular instance, it is the womans behaviour that she is looking at.

Should we never condemn one party who has done wrong because another party has done worse?

And yes OP, this certainly is a very unpleasant place.

Why are people incapable of understanding that it is actually possible to be appalled at both the man and the womans behaviour?

No one’s ‘incapable’ of understanding that. But the OP chose to write her OP specifically focused on the woman. People are rightly questioning that. Why is it the woman’s behaviour that’s top of mind for her?

Is nobody else wondering how on earth the op could even find this information out through Facebook? That sounds like a very abnormal amount of digging to me all because someone posted a sad face emoji 🤨 glad to see another woman's misery can be such a source of entertainment to you op.

Regarding the poster who said the OW doesn't owe anyone anything... Your views on friendship are quite shit, you should probably stick to your own company. You do owe loyalty to your friends, and any woman who could hurt her friend like that is an utter scumbag. Knowingly having an affair with someone you know has a family makes you scum regardless of friendship, but the friendship is just the icing on the cake. The husband is also vile, but then, I think that's pretty obvious.

Either way, op you need to mind your own business and stop digging around for dirt on other people's misfortunes. Can't understand why you posted it here either. That woman deserves better from all 3 of you it appears. I do hope she has atleast some support.

PM the lady & say you’ve lost track with SW but feeling brave enough to go back. Ask if she’s still going & if she wants a cuppa, sounds like she could use a friend right now xx

'an unpleasant place this is.'

Well it's full of women and we all know how awful they are!

Why should anyone be 'more appalled' by the husbands behaviour. The woman was the left wife's best friend. Only on here is that ignored as being a spectacularly shitty thing.
Both people having affairs here are vile. And I feel sorry for those left.
And also for the OP who has been given a needlessly hard time for some not perfect wording in a post 🙄.

I think you are focussing on the wrong person. Aside from the fact that it is not your business, it is the HUSBAND who has broken his vows, not the OW. It is frustrating and rather disappointing that it always seems to be the woman who gets the blame before the husband. That you thought this, is apparent from your title.

We seem to have such low expectations of men and higher expectations of women?

You just don't know what went on and you're judging this woman for "splitting up two families". The man was involved too. From the outside, it might look "appalling" but who knows what the background to it all it.
I'm not condoning people having affairs, giving up on marriages etc. but without the full story, who knows whose behaviour was "appalling" in this situation.

Example: In my village at the moment there's been a lot of gossip and judgement about a man who left his wife of 10 years while she was out with friends. He moved his stuff out and dumped her by text. A couple of months later he had a new girlfriend. Everyone is disgusted by his behaviour etcetc. However, I know (and have not spread this around) that last summer my ex who works with her walked into the office and caught her giving her boss a blowjob.......
So yeah, the village is "appalled" by her DH's behaviour but they don't know what she had been up to previously which might have led to him deciding to leave.

There are three truths: my truth, your truth and THE truth.

Do you think if your friend is on MN she will be happy to see her family discussed on MN for all (and the Daily Mail to steal?)

Then you absolve her husband of the guilt of abandoning a family and rubbing it in her face.

Are you mortified because of your facebook snooping? I can't see why else you would be mortified in this situation. You openly admit you only know this woman to chat to at Slimming World and are hardly bosom buddies. Why so much interest in her life? You sound almost gleeful about this juicy bit of gossip.

People are selfish.

it is the HUSBAND who has broken his vows, not the OW

Is it ????.. she says it has split up TWO familes so presumably the woman next door has betrayed her Husband/Partner too.

The OP was crafted without a thought for the actions of the husband, all the finger pointing went one way.

This thread illuminates the misogyny we have all internalised, and could help people to challenge their beliefs and move away from making women responsible for the actions of men. No bad thing imo.

Only on here is that ignored as being a spectacularly shitty thing.

It’s bad. But not nearly as bad as breaking marriage vows, that were publicly declared in front of your family and friends.

Do you disagree?

I think both the husband and the other woman have acted appallingly.

Am I right in thinking that you’re comment was focused on the woman because you’re writing it from a woman’s point of view, specifically as a friend of the lovely woman who this has happened to? As in, “I could never do that to someone” rather than “she’s the one to blame”

Also, and I say this kindly, you need a hobby

Let's be honest, there is nothing 'kind' about this sentence.