Why would this woman split up two families?

[Ihavetochangemyname]

I've got a bit of a weird AIBU and probably wouldn't dream of airing this in real life but think it's one that the MNetters would be helpful with.

I appreciate its a first world problem and if it bothers me so much don't engage with social media, etc, etc. But I have read it and it's bothered me so much this weekend I can't stop thinking of it. Here it is.

A couple of years ago I met a nice lady socially, via Slimming World. We hit it off. I didn't see her outside of SW, but always sat next to her and chatted. I left SW about a year ago and desperately want to go back when it reopens for group. We were friends on Facebook and I commented on her photos, the usual. She seemed very happily married, two lovely kids.

Anyway, she's not an oversharer on FB, but I noticed she'd put sad emojis up which she doesn't usually do. After a bit of probing around it appears her husband has left her for her best friend and next door neighbour!! He's moved in next door with the neighbour and her son, splitting up two families.

I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her. I'm appalled that a woman can do this to another? Am I just totally naive?

[flirtygirl]

Both man and woman share the blame. They have both done this to the wife.

People saying it was the man are correct but it was also the woman.

People do get caught up on the other woman but maybe like me they recognise that men can be crap and hold women to a slightly better standard.

I am not more appalled at the other woman in these situations, they both are crap but I do feel more let down by womanhood and sisterhood by the amount of women who feel able to do this to one of their own.

[dancinguser]

Almost all have missed the point of the post, focusing on my error in not being equally appalled by both parties.

The point of the post was to put all of the blame on the woman even though there's a man in the story who has done the exact same. Therefore nobody is missing the point of your post, because your post is incorrect.

[BigBadVoodooHat]

People do get caught up on the other woman but maybe like me they recognise that men can be crap and hold women to a slightly better standard.

This is a stunning sentence that manages to be simultaneously misogynistic and misandrist.

Why should women be judged by different standards than men, just because 'men can be crap'? Why is it a woman's responsibility to compensate for male 'crapness' by being 'better'?

[Louise91417]

What is up with mn this weather, its seems to bring out the nastiness in people. I understand totally what you mean OP...what husband has done is shit and speaks for itself but to to lose a friend and neighbour really is double shit..you really would feel for your friend..hopefully she will come through the other side and shine..

[soruff]

In a way one is never surprised at human failings
However we have heard much about the loyalty of the 'sisterhood' some are surprised when it fails for:-
"The colonels Lady and Judy O'Grady are sisters under their skins"

[michelle1504]

@LaurieMarlow

Well clearly people are incapable of understanding going off the responses on this thread. Yes she wrote the thread specifically based off the woman in this example. Because she was looking at it from that one perspective in this particular instance. Does that automatically mean that she has absolved the husband of any wrongdoing? Or does it mean....that she is talking about the woman in this instance? As in a snapshot of the entire situation.

Heaven forbid we can't talk about one aspect of a conversation without people piling on and saying "you're wrong, what about this".

[MrBennsshop]

Two things are puzzling me, why you are mortified when you haven't done anything to be mortified about, and secondly the woman blaming, which is depressing.

[michelle1504]

nobody is missing the point of your post, because your post is incorrect.

How exactly is it incorrect? Clearly people are missing the OPs point. They are either genuinely missing it or willfully missing in as an excuse to shout "what about the man"!.

The post is not incorrect, she is simply analysing one part of the overall situation.

And the 'what about the man' brigade; yes the man is 100% in the wrong, we all know he is in the wrong and no one doubts or denies that. However this post is clearly, specifically focusing on another aspect of the situation.

[alittlelower]

It wasn't an error, it shows that you have internalised misogyny. Lots of us do
You have shown your bias about women in these scenarios, that wasn’t a mistake. You didn’t misspeak. And you’ve been challenged on it. I think that’s fair

Quite. I too would recommend using this to reflect. It's called having a growth mindset.

[LaurieMarlow]

Because she was looking at it from that one perspective in this particular instance. Does that automatically mean that she has absolved the husband of any wrongdoing? Or does it mean....that she is talking about the woman in this instance?

What does that say about her priorities though?

She didn’t start another post about the husband.

Just this one, about the woman.

So while it doesn’t mean she’s absolved the husband, it does strongly suggest that she’s more irate and emotionally worked up about the woman’s role in ‘breaking up the family’. Despite the fact that it’s his family.

Misogyny at its finest.

[alittlelower]

The post is not incorrect, she is simply analysing one part of the overall situation.

Yes, precisely, That is why people are objecting! Because it is only focusing on the fault of the (evil man-stealing) woman.

People are irritated because this comes up repeatedly - situations like this and slagging the OW - how could she! Strangely forgetting to lay blame at the man's door - y'know the one who made the vows to the woman he left.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

What an unpleasant place this is.

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree. Misogyny is very unpleasant. As is constantly disclaiming men's responsibility for their own actions and insisting their behaviour is always the fault of women.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

@alittlelower

The post is not incorrect, she is simply analysing one part of the overall situation.

Yes, precisely, That is why people are objecting! Because it is only focusing on the fault of the (evil man-stealing) woman.

People are irritated because this comes up repeatedly - situations like this and slagging the OW - how could she! Strangely forgetting to lay blame at the man's door - y'know the one who made the vows to the woman he left.

I read it that she is thinking from her own point of view, as a woman who is also friends with the lady in question. She wouldn’t do it and can’t imagine why the other woman would.
I can see why people are questioning why she hasn’t mentioned the wrong doing of the husband but I genuinely think she’s looking at it from a place of self reflection rather than blame.

[corythatwas]

Do we actually know at this point that the man has been unfaithful? I mean, MN posters are rather keen on pointing out that you don't have to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy. And as far as I can see, this seems to apply to women with families too. So why is it different in this case? Do we know it is different in this case?

[SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel]

I am also intreguied how you managed to find all this out by facebook snooping?

[ShebaShimmyShake]

2020 and it's still women's fault. Don't try to backtrack, OP. You laid your blame squarely and unilaterally and then you still blamed women for pointing it out.

Think about it next time. You're a victim too, internalised misogyny is ingrained in us all. But you can think your way out of it in future.

[alittlelower]

but I genuinely think she’s looking at it from a place of self reflection rather than blame

To be fair, you've made this up.

There are so many of these type of posts/ real life conversations, that it is hard to imagine that they are all motivated by 'self-reflection' rather than they are reflecting a culture, which has existed for millennia and exists across continents, which blames 'alluring' women for men's sexual misdeeds.

[DopamineHits]

I wish I'd never posted. What an unpleasant place this is.

You posted to gossip about a situation you don't even know much about. But I have to agree. You blamed a woman for what a man chose to do. Hopefully it's given you some food for thought.

[icansmellburningleaves]

I love the way your first response is to blame the woman.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

@alittlelower

but I genuinely think she’s looking at it from a place of self reflection rather than blame

To be fair, you've made this up.

There are so many of these type of posts/ real life conversations, that it is hard to imagine that they are all motivated by 'self-reflection' rather than they are reflecting a culture, which has existed for millennia and exists across continents, which blames 'alluring' women for men's sexual misdeeds.

I haven’t made it up. It is my interpretation gathered from her comments about how lovely the woman was and their fledgling friendship. Most of the comment was about this

[ShebaShimmyShake]

It's also part of the narrative that women don't have sexual needs of their own. When a man is unfaithful, people might disapprove or be contemptuous, but nobody ever asks what was in it for him or is baffled as to why he did it; we understand that he likes hot sex as well as secure domesticity, even if we don't approve of what he did. It's only with women that we start wringing our hands and wondering what on earth she could have got out of it, what the mystery of her motivations could be.

Sex, done well, is fun and tempting for both men and women. I realise not all affairs are the same, but why are people so quick to understand what a man might be getting out of it yet so mystified by the woman?

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

I wish I'd never posted. What an unpleasant place this is

Absolutely. Full of nosey sods who spend their time trawling the FB pages of people they barely know, in order to blame one woman for a mess that is at minimum as much the fault of a dodgy bloke and possibly more people too (what if the woman you know had previously had an affair? If the Other Woman's husband was abusive?).

Frankly, it would be a more pleasant place with fewer threads like the one you just started.

[alittlelower]

I love the way your first response is to blame the woman

And the second response is to berate women for being nice and agreeing with her.

I haven’t made it up. It is my interpretation
I think we just have to agree to disagree. You think she has a motivation unique to her, I think she is influenced by cultural biases.

[alittlelower]

Sex, done well, is fun and tempting for both men and women..but why are people so quick to understand what a man might be getting out of it yet so mystified by the woman?

Excellent point.

[FromMarch2020]

wow that's awful

bad on both the husband and the woman - awful that it's next door too

Can you send a friendly PM to her?