Why would this woman split up two families?

[Ihavetochangemyname]

I've got a bit of a weird AIBU and probably wouldn't dream of airing this in real life but think it's one that the MNetters would be helpful with.

I appreciate its a first world problem and if it bothers me so much don't engage with social media, etc, etc. But I have read it and it's bothered me so much this weekend I can't stop thinking of it. Here it is.

A couple of years ago I met a nice lady socially, via Slimming World. We hit it off. I didn't see her outside of SW, but always sat next to her and chatted. I left SW about a year ago and desperately want to go back when it reopens for group. We were friends on Facebook and I commented on her photos, the usual. She seemed very happily married, two lovely kids.

Anyway, she's not an oversharer on FB, but I noticed she'd put sad emojis up which she doesn't usually do. After a bit of probing around it appears her husband has left her for her best friend and next door neighbour!! He's moved in next door with the neighbour and her son, splitting up two families.

I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her. I'm appalled that a woman can do this to another? Am I just totally naive?

[ravenmum]

Yes, you are being naive to think that this is unusual. Maybe you have only just reached the age when you start hearing about affairs breaking up families you know? That mostly starts at about 40-50.
Hopefully this woman is not on MN to recognise the story and realise that a vague acquaintance is so fascinated by her private life that she needs to ask the world about it.

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

How has she split up two families? You haven't said that the ndn was living with a husband. Was she? Had they already split up?

It doesn't"t sound as if you know the ins and outs because none of these are real life friends. You vaguely know your FB 'friend'. Why would you even do "a bit of probing" about someone you barely know?

[Quarantimespringclean]

I cannot believe the misogyny of this thread title And then the OP thinks we are being unpleasant to point it out. The irony!

[PinkMonkeyBird]

Yes, the husband has created this, not the OW..yes the OW played a part, but the husband is the person who should be the one you are appalled at.

[BigBadVoodooHat]

Why are you just blaming her and talking about being shocked a woman could do this?

Because unfortunately there's an overriding social assumption that women are responsible for all poor actions committed by men, and must be judged accordingly. See also 'she was asking for it', 'I only hit you because you make me so angry', and the blame directed at mothers for failing to raise the 'right' sort of son.


Apparently, it's always a woman's fault when a man does a shitty thing

[TracyBeakerSoYeah]

Both the husband & next door neighbour are scumbags.
Though doesn't friendship count for anything, I think that's what @Ihavetochangemyname is trying to convey that a so called friend could do this to her. Yes it's the husband's fault ultimately but the friend could/should have said no.
Yes the husband may have gone on to try it with someone else. But an unknown OW/OM whilst still horrible isn't a double betrayal, by 2 people who are supposed to care for you.
If any of my best/closest friends husbands tried it on with me I'd tell the husband exactly what I thought of him in not very polite language.

Finally it's not AIBU without a few words/arguments.

[Sn0tnose]

He’s a shit husband, she’s a shit friend.

YABU to think that this is an unpleasant place simply because people don’t agree with you. As much as the affair partner is a shit friend and not someone I’d want to be friends with, she didn’t break up your friend’s marriage. Her husband did that all by himself. He either chased after the friend, or didn’t tell the friend to bugger off if she chased after him.

[viques]

think it's one that the MNetters could be helpful with

What exactly is the help you want MN to offer OP?

You aren't any of the involved parties so we can't offer advice on what they should do next.



Your acquaintance hasn't asked you for help, in fact it sounds as though you have dug around to find out what was happening in her life.

Seems to me the best advice I can offer is in future don't try to offer up someone else's misery and pain on a public forum just to spread tittle tattle. You never know, could be your pain and misery being spread out for public consumption next time.

[NoMoreDickheads]

They justify it by thinking they're in love with their affair partner so couldn't help acting on it. It's no justification of course.

[bridgetreilly]

But what has she done? She hasn't split up any families. From everything you say, it's entirely her husband's actions, not even 50/50.

[m0therofdragons]

Is anyone else reading this and thinking about their own neighbours? Can’t imagine Dh running off with any of them (totally misses point of thread)

[bridgetreilly]

Oh, wait, you meant the woman next door, not your friend? That was really unclear. In that case, sure, she and your friend's husband are to blame.

[Lostmyshityear9]

this place is dreadful when it comes to affairs.

The callousness of some people, dismissing the distress this behaviour causes is beyond me.

Yes, he is responsible. But so is she. She lives next door. Not like she can claim she didn't know he was married. Yes, it is probably a less than perfect marriage but bloody hell, we don't all go shagging our next door neighbours because things haven't worked out the way we had hoped. We have options, absolutely. We can choose to no longer be in a marriage that makes us unhappy by ending the marriage. We don't need to have an affair with the neighbour and move in next door.

[malificent7]

I think that it is natural to blame the other women as if we are women then it is a violation of ' girl code.' Sadly i am often harsh on women like this as i would like to think that i wouldn't do it to another women. That is not to say that he has been an angel though.

[LaurieMarlow]

It wasn't an error, it shows that you have internalised misogyny. Lots of us do - it's hard not to in a patriarchy. There's no way to say this without sounding as patronising as fuck but instead of getting angry with the mean women on Mumsnet, use this to reflect and grow.

A million times this. All of it.

Are you one of these people that thinks that some vague concept of 'girl code' is more binding and important than the vows a man makes to a woman in front of all their friends and family? Because I'[m gobsmacked at how common this idea is.

[LaurieMarlow]

I think that it is natural to blame the other women as if we are women then it is a violation of ' girl code.'

X post, but I have to pick up on this.

'Girl code' more consequential than marriage vows. Is that it?

[MagnoliaJustice]

The husband is a cheating toerag for shitting on his own doorstep. Moving in with the next door neighbour is a crap thing to do. But both parties are to blame for this, not just the woman.

Offer your support to the woman you know, if you are able to.

[Purplephonecover]

I wonder how many neighbours are shagging?! I work with a guy who is, he is married, works from home a lot. Gets action midweek normally. Talks about it at work. It’s grim

[Eckhart]

Yes, you are being naive. People do horrible things all the time. Learning when and when not to concern yourself about it is a vital adult skill.

Let them be and don't worry about it. If your friend needs you, she'll come to you. Perhaps a supportive message, then leave it at that.

Otherwise, it's really none of your gubbins.

[CrazyTimesAreOccurring]

YANBU - they are both disgusting. I think I know what you mean about the OW though, you just think another woman would have enough empathy to not want to give into her feelings and sleep with another woman's husbnad.
He on the other hand is a weak, spineless mockery of a man who will live to regret putting a shag above his family. For both of them, they will NEVER trust each other knowing how they got together. If they do actually stay together it will never be through true love, but fear of being left alone

[Alittleshortforaspacepooper]

She surely didn't act alone?

[Crunchymum]

It usually takes two to break up a marriage. And I don't include the Other Woman as one of the two

@MereDintofPandiculation

What does this mean?

Are you blaming the wife?

[CayrolBaaaskin]

you have no idea of their lives - perhaps she was abusive, maybe he was. or maybe neither. but you dont know why they broke up or anything about the neighbour. people cant be stolen, and your post shows internalised misogyny.

[ShadowMane]

@Ihavetochangemyname

I wish there was a way of editing.

Almost all have missed the point of the post, focusing on my error in not being equally appalled by both parties.

I wish I'd never posted. What an unpleasant place this is.

Thats what tends to happen when you blame one party of an affair, especially when its the woman, as the poor menz was tempted away from his wife and family and he is not to blame in any way

[OchonAgusOchonO]

Like pretty much everyone else, I think both the husband and the friend behaved appallingly. Generally, with affairs, I think it is the married one who is to blame as the other person doesn't owe loyalty to the "cheated on" person. However, a friend having an affair with your h is shitty. Your h having an affair with your friend is extra shitty.

I a bit confused about your final statement: I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her.

Why are you mortified? You didn't have an affair so them having one is no reason for you to be mortified. Or is it that you feel bad about digging for information on your acquaintance's business?