Why would this woman split up two families?

[Ihavetochangemyname]

I've got a bit of a weird AIBU and probably wouldn't dream of airing this in real life but think it's one that the MNetters would be helpful with.

I appreciate its a first world problem and if it bothers me so much don't engage with social media, etc, etc. But I have read it and it's bothered me so much this weekend I can't stop thinking of it. Here it is.

A couple of years ago I met a nice lady socially, via Slimming World. We hit it off. I didn't see her outside of SW, but always sat next to her and chatted. I left SW about a year ago and desperately want to go back when it reopens for group. We were friends on Facebook and I commented on her photos, the usual. She seemed very happily married, two lovely kids.

Anyway, she's not an oversharer on FB, but I noticed she'd put sad emojis up which she doesn't usually do. After a bit of probing around it appears her husband has left her for her best friend and next door neighbour!! He's moved in next door with the neighbour and her son, splitting up two families.

I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her. I'm appalled that a woman can do this to another? Am I just totally naive?

[alittlelower]

Correction!
And the second response is to berate women for NOT being nice and agreeing with her

[RedPanda2]

Relationships break down. People meet other people. Yes you are naive

[PickAChew]

I voted YABU because you laid all the blame on a woman and not the man who was unfaithful.

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her. I'm appalled that a woman can do this to another? Am I just totally naive?

From your original post. Also see name of this thread. All blame being placed on the woman alone. Nothing about the husband. Jesus!

[Sizedoesmatter]

I'm seriously struggling to wrap my head around the point of posting another woman's misery on an online forum.. A woman who you aren't even close enough to text and ask of she's OK. What exactly were you looking to gain from this post? Attention? Gossip? Weird..

[ekidmxcl]

Dirty fucking pigs the pair of them. There are some people who just leave devastation and don't care.

[Hobbitsleaf]

Women do it to women, men do it to men. There's scummy people everywhere. Maybe send her a message in private and tell her you're available for a chat anytime she needs it.

[SecretSpAD]

I'm mortified, it's none of my business, really isn't but I'm so sad I can't stop thinking of her.

She's a vague acquiantence at most, so why mortified? Why sad? As you said it's none of your business and yet you felt the need to question her (admittedly after one of those stupid vague attention seeking Facebook updates); and now, without knowing anyone in the situation have come onto MN to ensure that the OW is suitably hung, drawn and quartered.

Oh and then got stroppy and flounced when mentioned the husband's role in this.

You're right though. It's none of your business. You do not know what has been happening in either of these marriages and do not actually know the people in question at all.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

If you feel bad for her, OP, best you can do is offer her your emotional support. There isn't really anything else. But it won't help anyone to suppose that her husband is a brainless amoeba with no agency who didn't actively do this himself. He's the guardian of his own marriage and commitment.

[lemmathelemmin]

Good riddance. I hope she and her children are able to move on. Scum like these cheats are not worth the oxygen. Life really is too short for crap like this.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

@alittlelower

Correction!
And the second response is to berate women for NOT being nice and agreeing with her

I thought the original post with the mistake was accurate

[Socialdistancegintonic]

I don’t understand the ‘it’s the husband only, it’s the woman only’ debate at all. Both have done a horrible thing. Both are guilty of devastating a family. Both deserve our judgement.

[Socialdistancegintonic]

Maybe send her a message in private and tell her you're available for a chat anytime she needs it. this might help.

[PsuedoSatisfactionBaby]

I wish I'd never posted. What an unpleasant place this is.

Please don’t flounce OP. I have to admit pre-mumsnet I would have probably judged the situation in the same way as you and been dismissive of people pointing out I was focusing on the wrong person. I’ve learned a lot from the people on here...once your eyes are opened to the normalised misogyny in every day life, it is quite an awakening. And you can’t unsee it. It’s a tough lesson to realise that you are actually prejudice against your own sex but it’s also enlightening and when you start to notice it, and will notice it...every day...you will feel compelled to call it out too when you see it.

[Gulabjamoon]

@Socialdistancing the married person will always be more guilty than the single person he cheats with.

No idea if the OW here is single.

[Toptotoeunicolour]

The older I get the more I just acknowledge that people are slaves to their hormones far too often, it defines so much of everyone's behaviour. So they have split up - the painful thing here is that he's living next door. How can she have any rest from it, she must be tortured seeing him come and go at the neighbours, hearing voices etc. That's the barbaric part. At least if you are leaving, have the humanity not to rub it in someone's face.

[Summercamping]

I know a woman who was married, and lived next door to her husband's sister and her husband. She had an affair with the sister in laws husband, got pregnant by him, and they left their respective partners. Devastating for them, and their children.
Some people are just selfish and don't care about the consequences of their actions

[Toptotoeunicolour]

I'd reach out to her OP, it might really make a difference.

[blosstree]

I'm sorry you're getting a hard time OP, but the title of your post does say it all. How come the husband hasn't split up two families?

The husband cheated on your friend. She didn't lure him. He made a choice.

It really does show that even among women we immediately place the fault on the woman, and the men are always unsuspecting, powerless against the pull of sex, no blame. You may deny it but your post has shown what you subconsciously think.

People haven't missed the point of the post.

[Socialdistancegintonic]

@Gulab not in my book. Both are causing hurt and they both need each other in order to cause this hurt. It’s not a lone person action. I can’t stand the opinion that a woman ‘owes a wife nothing’. It’s not a society I want to live in, where because we are not married to someone we can happily and guilt free cause them pain!

Plus all the woman I know who have been a mistress of participated to break up marriages are selfish individuals with hearts of stone. None of my friends would ever do this.

[GrannyBags]

Why are you so concerned with the life of someone you hardly know. There may be 100 reasons why this happened. If it was a close friend I could understand where you were coming from but I don’t.

[Hopeisnotastrategy]

Yet another lady who only blames the OW.

The OW is not blameless, especially if she was her friend, but she's not the one who swore marriage vows to her.

[Socialdistancegintonic]

I also think there are many women out there who uphold normalised misogyny and enable it to continue on generation to generation. Walking away from marriages and children for a younger woman, as many many older men do, is something unfortunately many woman seem only too happy to oblige in.

We do hold power as women, and one of them is to judge other women who do this, as well as the men. It’s one way to break damaging misogynistic cycles.

[Gulabjamoon]

@Socialdistancegintonic

Yes, that's your opinion but you are stating it as fact. You say both deserve 'our' judgement but I don't judge the single person as badly as the married person. And no, I have never cheated.

[sadandlonely2020]

The only reason men cheat is because there are women out there that will happily sleep with another woman's husband. Despicable.