AIBU to say that cycling mainly appeals to a certain demographic of men and they don’t understand that it’s quite boring for wives / partners / general public?

[spokeinthewheel]

I can’t remember when it all started really, but my DH, like many men, has got hugely into cycling in recent years - to the extent he does competitions / charity rides all around the world, this kind of thing. Now, on the one hand, I’m delighted he’s found a way of relieving stress and keeping fit that suits his age (he’s upper 40s). He’s looking great from it, which is not a bad thing. He’s met loads of people through it as well, so good for him. I don’t mind when he goes off on 150 mile rides or whatever, as our kids are all 12+ now (we have 4).

I can’t really put into words what irks me, but there’s something about cycling and men of this age that is bordering on the mildly self-obsessed. I don’t just mean DH, I mean all the friends he has. They all congregate here a fair bit. They go on about shaving time off their records on some hill; or types of wheels etc. They are all on powder protein shakes and they go in about this as if it’s the end all and be all. They are on group chats too and there’s loads of them and they’re always doing stuff for charity. I know it sounds quite harmless and it is really, but I just find it a bit much. Of course there a far worse things they are doing and I realise this.

Basically, even when they’re cycling on their own, they are in a race on an app called Strava. Their are various routes all over the place everywhere and your time is logged. So DH will go out in the morning and come back and say he’s now first place in such and such in Green Park or some hill halfway to Brighton or something like that. Then one of his friends will be out trying to beat this time. And it just goes on and on, And they talk at length about their injuries too. We have 5 bikes in the garage and a ton of bric-a-brac parts. Sometimes he’s on certain diets so this is another thing, and when they congregate here, he asks me to make certain museli bars for them all (no I’m not joking). Or otherwise, they want this banana bread I make with yogurt. They are also quite competitive about their business interests and I do find it a bit cringe to be honest, even though they’re all perfectly pleasant in general terms. AIBU? DH is always watching videos about cycling too and planning his next trip. I don’t mind, but I do find it boring to be perfectly honest and I’m thinking about telling him not to go on and on. I don’t do on and on about my Pilates, for instance. I just go and come home.

My DH has got back into mountain biking recently. We both used to do it together years ago, pre-DS.

We’ve recently also started going out as a family a few times and I’d forgotten how much fun it is! We can’t wait to try some more of the trails once places open more fully. We’re even hoping to get a babysitter at some point so we can go do longer/harder rides which DS couldn’t manage!

DH goes out early morning to rack up some riverside miles and maybe one evening a week so it’s not too bad. I’m sure there will be an all day thing soon, once Wales opens, but I’ll get time to do what I want as well.

DH is wanting to buy a stupidly expensive bike and other gear he doesn’t need though, out of our joint savings. I’ve said no problem but I will be having equivalent sum to spend on stuff I don’t NEED either. Probably a trip away somewhere!

As for Strava, it’s not just a bloke bike thing. I know runners and women into it too. I don’t get it though, just go out and do your bloody run/ride without needing Strava ‘kudos’ and to be ‘king of the mountain’. I frequently take the piss out of DS - it’s like the ride/run didn’t happen if it’s not on Strava!

BTW cyclists will ride beside each other to take the lane rather than having people try to squeeze past them. They are not ‘in your way’, any more than any other slower vehicle and you should not be a dick towards them or any other road users. Especially when you’re in a metal box and they are surrounded by the protective equivalent of an elastic band.

This ☺ & the alpha males who arrogantly race around the country lanes in packs, hogging most of the road so you can't get past. They think they own the road. If you toot your horn to get past, or you meet them the opposite way just after a bend you get a load of abuse. I have an almost uncontrollable urge to ram down the accellerator & nudge them all over into a big heap. (Obvs I wouldn't)

I experience this rage quite a lot when cycling. And I don't know what the solution is.

I very very rarely ride two abreast, yet still there are some roads where it is just the case that you have to trail a cyclist until it widens.

I do wonder what you are expecting to happen when you beep your horn? Do you expect us to dive into the hedge to let you past?

Absolutely agree Cosmo.

Was watching that Steve jobs film and he described the computer as “cycling for the mind” you are so quick and free on a bike and in nature and not polluting. The world would be a better place if cycling was the norm and driving the minority activity that everyone bitches about

My dh loves cycling and he keeps fit, he's less stressed and has a good social life through it.

I'd rather that that he just sits about watching tv getting unhealthy.

I've got plenty of my own interests and it doesn't bother me.

If I had younger dcs I wouldn't be keen on whole days out every weekend.

If he spends money on it I feel more justified spending money on my interests.

Well no, I wouldn’t describe myself as a Stepford, but I suppose we’ve been together a long time and people are the way they are, so fall into patterns. So if it’s food / entertaining, for instance, I would be the one to do that yes, because he wouldn’t have a clue tbh, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t do things for me because he does.
I think maybe I’ve become a bit anti-social during lockdown tbh!

when they congregate here, he asks me to make certain museli bars for them all (no I’m not joking). Or otherwise, they want this banana bread I make with yogurt

What the fuck?! Tell them to fucking make it themselves, including your H! Maybe you're annoyed because they're treating you like Ms Suzie Homemaker?!

Like many women it sounds like you are conditioned to believe that you should be 100% responsible for household task, catering etc and it makes you unkind etc if you don't do it. It sounds as though it doesn't even cross your DH's mind that he should make the lunch when he hosts. You know OP, not doing it does not make you horrible, not as 'good' as the other wives, etc, you seem to care a lot about what other people will think, you need to start not giving a toss.

Let's reverse the roles, if you were the one into cycling, going off in your group would he be doing muesli bars and assuming that he is catering? I am going to guess the answer is 'no' - why would that be?

@Blobby10 - I agree, they should get out of the way. I also think the way some of them cycle is very dangerous.

Also, I’m not anti-cycling and I’m not bothered what anyone wears to do it.
I don’t mean to offend anyone who is into cycling and good for you. As I said, I would enjoy it myself, but the traffic stresses me out. Obviously, I’m not explaining myself very well .., or maybe it’s just me..,?

Whilst your husband sounds mildly annoying I think your problem is the way you’re reacting. I think you need to change your attitude to him and become less accommodating. You’re stuck feeling that you have to compete with his friends’ wives and you need to find a way to just let that go.

Have you ever sat him down and said ‘darling, I’m really happy you have a hobby you enjoy. I’m not really interested in hearing about the details though, and I don’t think it should be my job to host your friends, so when it’s our turn to have them over you’ll need to sort out the food.’ If not, what do you think would happen?

(My parents were in a similar situation when my dad joined a club that had a wives cooking dinner tradition. My mum said no so my dad went to M&S and bought sandwiches. Now the whole group does supermarket sandwiches)

DH keeps trying to get me to join Strava. I'm not sure why he needs me to, when he tells me about all of his runs anyway. I run too but am much slower than him and most other people, so I track on map my run and don't share with anyone but use it for myself to track what I'm doing.
Why I'd need to be on Strava so I could prove how much slower I am than everyone else - i'm not entitle sure.

Still it's better than when fitbits were new and he insisted on showing all his graphs on the tv screen to visitors.

”Yes it probably is my issue to a large extent, but obviously, if all these other wives (whosoever they may be) make them lunch, then I feel as if I would be rude not to do the same”

Nah this has bugger all to do with you. They want to martyr themselves they can.

”and I feel like I can’t really be “off” with DH like that in these circumstances because he might take it’s if I’m being antisocial or begrudge him, or I’m annoyed with him in general.”

Only if he’s massively dim or misinterpreting you on purpose to make you do his hosting admin.

Bustle around in a pinny baking muesli bars for your husband's MAMIL mates and listen reverently to his latest Strava triumph, or he'll run off with Linda from Belles on Bikes, and it will Serve You Right?
Of course not. My point is that you can show an interest or at least respect that others can get very much into something even if you can't understand it.

My OH group consists of wives who are very much into similar activities and intensity and they talk about it as part of their daily/weekly conversations. Some wives are not interested but happy to listen to their oh and be supportive, and some wives who are not interested, not interested in being interested and often resentful.

The latter are definitely the ones who seem the least happy in their marriage.

Of course we fall into patterns OP but that doesn't mean it works well for both parties forever. A relationship changes over time, especially as children grow up and leave.

DH and I used to entertain a lot, I used to do all the planning, preparing, cooking, clearing up, the children were young and I wasn't working. It wasn't just thatI felt very taken for granted it was that he assumed I would do it. I decided I'd had enough, I'm not overly sociable and the stress of having people around didn't make it a positive for me. So I made it clear that I wasn't going to do it anymore. He wanted a Christmas party last year, it didn't happen because what he meant was that he wanted me to organise a Christmas party and frankly I didn't want to! I understand what you are saying about he does things for you however it sounds like you are resenting this cycling and he is taking you for granted. I think it might be worth just being out on Friday and see what reaction you get.

I know runners and women into it too. I don’t get it though, just go out and do your bloody run/ride without needing Strava ‘kudos’ and to be ‘king of the mountain’
As you say, you don't get it. It doesn't make it ok to judge it as waste of energy.

You just don't get it, end of.

They think they own the road
Actuslly it's drivers who think THEY own the road and that cyclists are a nuisance that is the problem. You shouldn't have to root the horn to pass them just as you don't every time you pass a car. Wouldn't be surprised if you're on of those who pass much to close to them then necessary to make your point.

Like most drivers, I get annoyed when I'm stick behind bikes, but I know the problem is me and I deal with my feelings of impatience.

so I track on map my run and don't share with anyone but use it for myself to track what I'm doing
Do you know you can use Strava so that only you can see it? You can select you you want as friends and only share with them too. I oy gave 4 'strava friends'. I like to use it to check my progress over different sections.

My OH has actually made friends through Strava and although there is an element of competitiveness but that's the essence of many sport to push yourself further, there is also a genuine sense of support.

Out of interest , have you ever spoken to the partners of your husband’s fellow cyclists ? Do you think they’re ok with their other halves rocking up to theirs and dishing up an amazing meal for the masses ? Or do you think that some of them may be of a similar mindset ?

I just wonder , if the amazing strawberry gateau maker is doing it because she enjoys it ( and if so, why not ? All power to her kitchen aid ) or whether she’s actually bashing the daylights out of the butter and sugar , whilst muttering furiously and contemplating the joys of an afternoon tea made by someone else ?

I think wast it is, to be perfectly honest and thinking about it, is that Im feeling a bit flat after lockdown because apart from helping them all with school, I’ve not done much. The other day, one if the cycling friends came round and he’s very nice but.., how can I put it... they are a certain type and you have to be in the mood. The cycling is not just a sport / hobby for them, it’s also a kind of business-network and they bounce off each other in this way. If they were bringing their wives round, I wouldn’t mind, but when it’s just me and them, I feel like the waitress in a cafe, if I could put it that way. So I feel kind of excluded.

Another vote for be out on Friday.
It's fine to cook and entertain mutual friends because you enjoy it. Less fine to be baking banana bread and muesli bars for your DHs hobby pals.
You don't need to get into direct conflict, but you will need to experience some discomfort. So when he mentions the muesli bars, just mutter something about them being a bit of faff, and don't mention them again. Either he'll make them himself or he'll buy something.

Some people enjoy catering for others - doesn't mean you have to as well - just say if anyone asks that you've been really busy with pilates perfecting this particularly tricky move and watch them stampede away lest they have to listen to you talking about your hobby.

but when it’s just me and them, I feel like the waitress in a cafe, if I could put it that way. So I feel kind of excluded.

Why do I get the feeling like you're just venting and plan to go back to the status quo?

Why do have so little self-esteem that you let yourself be their waitress?

Just read your update.
Don't be there.
I know the type you're talking about. Don't be their waitress and listening ear. If you feel you're being treated like a waitress, it's probably because you are.

They tend to ride clustered in groups in a really dangerous way, the husband of a friend of mine was killed on a long Sunday morning cycle ride, he was riding three abreast beside some others and a car finally overtook them out of frustration.

What would happen if you just weren’t there ? If you went somewhere , anywhere for the day ? Even if it’s for a walk with the dog and a good book ? ( highly recommended by the way )

I think rather than starting a thread taking a pop at cyclists - who are mostly just ordinary nice people and include MNers in their number - you should have posted about your issues with your husband.

You feel like a waitress when they come round?
Is that because there treat you like a waitress, or you act like a waitress? Different issues.

Stop bloody waitressing for them! Even if you bake some bloody banana and yoghurt cake, you can let your husband get the plates out! Say a polite hello, then excuse yourself, “lesson planning to do” or “sunbathing to do”.

Or join in with the business chat. It sounds like you’re putting yourself in this position, not him.