I hate his best friend's girlfriend

[timid2020]

Yesterday we met up with my DP's best friend and his girlfriend and I left feeling totally rubbish about myself (I always do after seeing her).

A quick disclaimer is that she is slim, beautiful, clever and very confident so I know a part of this is my own insecurity.

But I just don't like her, mostly because I get the impression she doesn't like me.

If we are together in a group, she usually ignores me - greets everyone but me or in the past has managed to almost turn her back so I'm left out of a conversation.

But one on one, lots of backhanded compliments come my way, said in a cheery way with a lovely smile.

Ie 'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring'

'I wish I had the confidence to dress so casually, I just feel so much better about myself when I make an effort'

Just little digs that would make me look petty if I responded defensively and they always catch me off guard.

The chances are, we will be in each other's lives for the long haul.

Has anyone experienced this? Or found a way to not let it bother you / feel like water off a ducks back?

Have they been together longer but you are engaged first?

@Sunnydayshereatlast we have been together pretty much the same amount of time!

OP,

Learn to ask her "do you mean to sound so rude" and lots of variations of that or suck it up.

What does your partner say about those comments?

Because if he thinks those comments are OK, he wouldn't be the type of man I would want to marry.

She's nasty and thinks she can say what she likes to you.

Either put her in her place or refuse to be in her company.

Again, what does your partner think of all this?

I presume you have told him?
If not, why not?

You don't have to be friends with her, just be very aloof and distant and avoid her. If she says something mean smirk and nod and walk off. She'll give up if you are unbothered.

My only advice is to take a leaf out of her book, smile sweetly back and dish out some back handed compliments of your own. Never let her see that it gets to you.
For the ignoring you, go way over the top and out if your way to say hello, ‘oh bitchy girlfriend, Hi! So lovely to see you, what have you been upto?’ Don’t let her exclude you, if you react negatively you’ll look like the bad person.

@billy1966

She's very careful to be nice as pie to me if people are around.

And in groups, he thinks it's unintentional and I should push myself into the conversation more.

I can't really explain it and it feels very childish but it's like secret being mean that she knows is happening, I know is happening but outwardly she's lovely.

I think he just really wants everyone to get along with no drama and I also think there's a part of him that thinks I am being over sensitive.

Yes either pull her up on it by saying she’s being rude, or throw it back at her “yes your fingers are pretty fat, aren’t they!” Or “I always feel a bit silly with tons of make up and being over dressed in a casual situation”

Is she married/engaged? She sounds jealous.

That's what my interpretation would be as well, OP. She could well have been pushing for her bf to propose to her and he's been dragging his feet over the subject. It would explain the bitchy comments about your engagement ring.

@Honeyroar

They aren't married or engaged, but it's on the cards so there's no reason to be jealous.

Our wedding was postponed (Covid) which was met with a lot of pity and how sorry she felt for us, despite me trying to put a positive spin on it!

It seems like jealous behaviour but I really can't think of any reason she'd be jealous of me, if all people. And she seems very confident.

OP you know that 'I wish I had the confidence to dress so casually, I just feel so much better about myself when I make an effort' isn't a backhanded compliment, right?

And pp gave the best answer to that one with I always feel a bit silly with tons of make up and being over dressed in a casual situation

you're not obliged to like everyone, I'd avoid as much as possible and smile serenely in her presence no matter how you feel inside.

Anyone who wanted to call an engagement ring small as a 'compliment' knows full well how nasty they are.

“Gosh, did you mean that as a compliment?”
“Bit of a sting in the tail there Mary, did you mean it like that?”
“Careful lads Mary’s got her daggers out again”

I’d call it out. Each and every time. Either that or go round, have a coffee with her and just say that you feel she may have some kind of issue with you and you’re not sure why, but could you either both put it to bed or at the very least learn to be around each other without low grade sniping. It’s hard to keep going with that sort of thing when you’ve been directly called out, most people would feel embarrassed and agree to rub along together.

I would play along smiling sweetly then when you have a moment, deliberately catch her off guard and tell her in no uncertain terms that she can fuck right off with her snide little comments and dog whilst bullying. If she feigns indignation use your two examples if you have to, they are so blatant.

Tell her that you're likely to be in each others lives for a long time, so the petty schoolgirl bitchiness stops NOW. Draw a line under it, move on.

I think he just really wants everyone to get along with no drama and I also think there's a part of him that thinks I am being over sensitive

I’m sure he does. But she’s the one creating the drama, not you.

Why is he saying that your feelings don’t matter and you should STFU to make his life easier ? This isn’t what a loving partner should do.

I’d be avoiding some of these social events if I were you. And I’d be thinking hard about what your partners reaction says about him.

Next time she says something like that, just say ‘ouch’ in a deadpan way. Non confrontational, but it quietly highlights the mean comment.

This sort of person I can't even pretend to take seriously.

DH's best man's wife was very like this, I was upset by her a few times at first and then I just stopped caring, would pretend she didn't exist (to the point of rudeness myself sometimes, if she was talking I'd not even act like I was listening and half way through would wander off or talk to someone else or similar). DH asked me once why I didn't make any effort with her, I said because she is vile and explained why I disliked her so much, he laughed and left me to it. If he had thought I should work at some friendship with her I'd have been disappointed in him, life is too short to pretend someone is worth it when they really aren't.

Although I love @Honeyroar’s suggestions, those of @BadgertheBodger are quite sensible.

OP,
Be very careful of a partner who dismisses what you say with "you are being sensitive" remarks.

Those examples are not obtuse.
They are clearly rude.

She is very deliberate too, by only saying them in your ear shot.

His need for everyone to get on ahead of your feelings is not good IMO.

But I believe loyalty to be very important.

Whilst I don't have experience of this type of thing via my husband's friends,...I would not like to commit long term to spending lots of time with someone like that.

You can make it HIS problem by saying I'd rather not spend lots of time in their company, she is being so slyly unpleasant.

Take note of how he reacts.

It is very important in a long term relationship to know that your partner respects you and has your back...

'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring'

No. It's so hard to find something that suits when you have fingers like that, isn't it?

Or, call her out in private.

You can mark her comments without being confrontational. Some of the suggestions above are good, and possibly a stock "oh how interesting" for when nothing ekse comes to mind.

Your partner needs to have your back on this though. By just wanting everyone to get along, what's really happening is that he is asking you to accept bitchy behaviour to avoid anyone else the discomfort of acknowledging it. That needs to be nipped right now.

@Nanny0gg

Her fingers are tiny! Smaller than mine, if anything.

Just her way of saying my ring is too small for her liking!

God one of DPs female friends tried this shit with me and I just rolled my eyes and looked extremely bored every time she did it or said something in response that reasserted my own confidence. I think it was just massive insecurity on her part. I definitely agree with addressing it in a calm and straightforward way. So if she says your engagement ring is small you respond with ‘I love how delicate and pretty it is, I can’t stand anything gaudy. They look so tacky!’. If she says ‘you’re so casual I like to make an effort.’ You respond with ‘yeah I really don’t feel the need to go over the top, I just think it’s a waste of time.’ She may appear confident but putting you down is a sign that she is anything but. You don’t need to be nasty back but faking a bit of self confidence and challenging her opinions is totally fine.

Honestly? She's a jellyfish - you're swimming along happily and then you're stung and it's not obvious where it came from.

Yes, say "Ouch" or similar whenever she does this.

This is the problem with passive aggressive people, It is bullying but others don’t always see it, and if you call it out you look like the unreasonable one.

She’s not as confident as she makes out if she needs to put others down to make her feel better. If you are not a confident person it is hard to confront her but your DP should take more notice of you when you tell him how you feel.

I think she possibly wishes she was first to be engaged and is probably less secure than you think.

I'd be tempted to respond to any future ring size comments with a "Yes, it was a relief to know I didn't have to get anything ostentatious to suit my man-hands".

But that might not be in the interests of everyone getting along...