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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?

295 replies

Flipfloptanlines · 21/06/2020 20:41

My 3 children are by 3 different men. Not how I expected my life to go but it happened.

First child I had when I was 16. The dad and I get on great but we were too young and didn't stay together. No issues at all, always managed to co-parent throughout our daughter's childhood.
In my early 20s I got married. My second child was born and totally planned. I was then widowed totally unexpectedly aged 26 My heart was broken. I didn't think I would ever recover.

I recently married my second husband after years of heart ache after being widowed. We have formed a really loving and close family. We have an 8 month old baby. I am finally happy again.

I have a friend who I have been reasonably close to since university. He is happily married with 4 children.

I text him this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and he replied and said
'Busy day for you, with all those baby daddies', then lots of wink emojis and laughing faces.

I am mortified.

Was this an awful thing to say, or am I over reacting? It has touched a horrible raw nerve. Today is hard anyway, without someone cracking a joke, let alone this person being a friend and knowing what I went through. He has made me feel cheap. Until this comment, I haven't considered myself to be cheap. I have 3 fantastic children, a great career and life is good again.

AIBU to never speak to him again?

OP posts:
BreasticlesNotTesticles · 22/06/2020 11:55

I'd send a gif firing blanks with a smiley face. See how funny he finds that. Cock.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 22/06/2020 11:56

He sounds like such a dick. It was an awful message to send you in the first place but the fact he didn't even apologise when you made it clear you were hurt... well I think that says it all. He's not your friend. I wouldn't bother replying to that message and I wouldn't bother with him at all from now on.

Bluesheep8 · 22/06/2020 11:57

Wow. Who knew a major bereavement could be the subject of leg-pulling. What a total arse.

Completely. No friend would do that. Get rid.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/06/2020 11:58

I'd reply once, just to let him know that the "hur hur, just a joke,your fault for not appreciating how funny I am" bullshit is overdone and cowardly, and then cut it. Who needs such a prick.

BabyLlamaZen · 22/06/2020 11:59

If you are both very close and it is something you regularly joke about (because it's so ridiculous!) then maybe. It sounds like it's not though. Considering you were also widowed, that's awful. I'm so sorry :( I think leave it a bit then ask him go never make that joke again.

Dyrne · 22/06/2020 11:59

Wow, that response is unforgivable to be honest. The first comment is just about got round if he’d accepted he’d gone too far and apologised. Turning it around trying to make out that you’re somehow unable to take a joke means he can go fuck himself quite frankly.

I think you’re absolutely right taking the high road with this one, he doesn’t deserve the benefit of getting into a shirty back-and-forth.

Secretly I’d be very tempted to respond something like “Maybe I should have wished happy Father’s Day to your IVF specialist instead since you couldn’t do the job yourself LOL HOW HILARIOUS”

(Note: don’t do that it’s a shit thing to say, but it’s equally as shit as mocking a widow for having more than one husband)

diddl · 22/06/2020 12:00

I think that your text was much more polite than he deserved, Op.

But wait, what-he didn't apologise?

Put it onto you for not finding his "joke" funny?

How nasty.

Prayerwheel · 22/06/2020 12:04

Just reply. 'Please don't contact me again. That response was unforgivable.'

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/06/2020 12:08

I think I wouldn’t reply, but would just cut him off.

Angelonia · 22/06/2020 12:09

Can't believe his response! Shock

DuDuDuLangaLangaBingBong · 22/06/2020 12:10

I’d probably just ignore him now. He’s a prick.

wildcherries · 22/06/2020 12:11

He has shown himself to be unpleasant. Anyone who can be that tone deaf and then dig an even deeper hole for himself instead of apologising is no friend. He'd be told to "chill" away from me. Permanently.

PicsInRed · 22/06/2020 12:15

@Flipfloptanlines

Thank you everyone, I have read every single comment and am so grateful for them.

He's replied. He sent a GIF which said 'touche' and then he wrote, 'Chill, I was pulling your leg'.

Well, how hilarious. I'm done!

I have just text another friend from Uni about it and sent her the screen shots. I think she might kill him!

How did I know he would be one of those "bitches with no sense of humour" guys?

He's a cliche. Sorry OP, but this friendship is over he was never really your friend.

Studycast · 22/06/2020 12:16

Thanks for letting me know it was my fault for not finding it funny. Don't take any blame yourself for a shit and inappropriate comment. Don't apologise. And don't contact me again.

Batqueen · 22/06/2020 12:19

Wow, of course, dead husband jokes are hilarious.

He is not worth any further engagement.

PicsInRed · 22/06/2020 12:19

@Prayerwheel

Just reply. 'Please don't contact me again. That response was unforgivable.'
This is about right.

He needs to know that the friendship is over and why, but he deserves nothing further than that. No agonising, emotional labour, or doors left ajar of any kind. OVER. If people ask he sends flying monkeys you tell them why and simply say it was too offensive, and his follow up too dismissive for the friendship to possibly ever continue.

ArnoJambonsBike · 22/06/2020 12:21

I'd have gone low. Way low.

I imagine Mavis enjoyed mothers day. She must have thought it wouldn't ever happen unless she left you for a real man.

Not my opinion on infertility, but if he likes offensive messages...

SophieB100 · 22/06/2020 12:38

I wouldn't even dignify his pathetic response with a response OP. You're so much better than that.
Block him, delete, move on.

Well done on all you've achieved by the way - so pleased you have found happiness again. You had a difficult day made more so by a hurtful and thoughtless message, and you didn't deserve that. So shut him out, and don't give him the chance to hurt you again.

GilbertMarkham · 22/06/2020 12:56

Given that you were widowed it is very insensitive and inappropriate.

This.

Plus one is not a baby daddy - because he's your dp.

QualityFeet · 22/06/2020 13:04

Well how horrid he is still being - time to find a better friend. I don’t think you will struggle. Must normal people are tremendously impressed by women who have thrived despite the odds being against them.
You are brilliant - he is a shit.

Marylou2 · 22/06/2020 13:11

Just read the whole thread OP. It brought tears to my eyes. Your response to him was so dignified. He'll have to go an extra mile and a half to redeem himself if you were willing to give him the opportunity. You sound amazing.

NewName89 · 22/06/2020 13:13

Every once in a while we get an opportunity to see people for who they really are. I would drop him, both for the original message and the absolutely unforgivable reply.

I am in awe at your achievements, OP. But you know what, even if you weren't widowed, even if you hadn't finished A levels, even if you hadn't done so brilliantly, that's still a horrible horrible text. Anyone who has had children by different fathers has had to go through difficult heartbreaking times which are no fucking joke. No one would think that that is an ok joke. No one. I feel sorry for his wife for procreating with this arsehole.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 22/06/2020 13:15

What a monumental prick!

alliwantisagoodnightssleep · 22/06/2020 13:16

Please do not reply to this asshat. Silence is the best way forward. Your friendship if there ever was one is over. His disdain for you is clear in his reply. I bet if you sit and think back over your past you will realise that these aren’t the only times he has behaved like this. You deserve a better friend than him.

GeraltOfRivia · 22/06/2020 13:18

@alliwantisagoodnightssleep

Please do not reply to this asshat. Silence is the best way forward. Your friendship if there ever was one is over. His disdain for you is clear in his reply. I bet if you sit and think back over your past you will realise that these aren’t the only times he has behaved like this. You deserve a better friend than him.
Exactly this.