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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?

295 replies

Flipfloptanlines · 21/06/2020 20:41

My 3 children are by 3 different men. Not how I expected my life to go but it happened.

First child I had when I was 16. The dad and I get on great but we were too young and didn't stay together. No issues at all, always managed to co-parent throughout our daughter's childhood.
In my early 20s I got married. My second child was born and totally planned. I was then widowed totally unexpectedly aged 26 My heart was broken. I didn't think I would ever recover.

I recently married my second husband after years of heart ache after being widowed. We have formed a really loving and close family. We have an 8 month old baby. I am finally happy again.

I have a friend who I have been reasonably close to since university. He is happily married with 4 children.

I text him this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and he replied and said
'Busy day for you, with all those baby daddies', then lots of wink emojis and laughing faces.

I am mortified.

Was this an awful thing to say, or am I over reacting? It has touched a horrible raw nerve. Today is hard anyway, without someone cracking a joke, let alone this person being a friend and knowing what I went through. He has made me feel cheap. Until this comment, I haven't considered myself to be cheap. I have 3 fantastic children, a great career and life is good again.

AIBU to never speak to him again?

OP posts:
OutOfHours · 22/06/2020 08:16

In the same situation as you OP, 2 children by different dad's, my eldest childs dad died before he was born.

Big hugs from me, its a hard day, on top of millions of other, I wish he was here to see this moments, I couldn't stay friends with someone so heartless, and he would have known instantly, but I like to react then think about the consequences later :)

Original poster
Flipfloptanlines · 22/06/2020 08:19

I have replied (thanks @QualityFeet)

"Morning. I was really hurt by your message. It is always hard here as I grieve for my husband who was such such an amazing father and such a loss. You know me well enough to know we'd be going to his grave today. You made it sound like I am some cheap laugh - have been wondering all day how you could think that ok to send."

I will let you know his reply.

@PicsInRed
I actually agree with you. I have been reminded of a conversation I had with him during our degree when he said to me that before he got to know me, he thought I was 'just another dumb teenage Mum'!
I took it as a compliment at the time but actually, I don't think it was....!

@Megatron
Only on Mumsnet are you pulled up on something like that lol. Like you say, it's actually quite common, especially in people under 35. They are still part of an IVF group and it's twins galore!

OP posts:
Original poster
Flipfloptanlines · 22/06/2020 08:21

@OutOfHours
I'm so sorry you've been through the same Flowers My heart goes out to you . As someone said above, we are survivors! I never thought I would feel happiness again. I so hope you have found some too xxxx

OP posts:
AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 22/06/2020 08:21

Like a pp said, it may have been an error of judgement. We’ve all made them at some point.
I think it’s a bit harsh to not speak to him again on the basis of one event, particularly if he is generally a decent person and a good friend. Tell him what he said has really hurt you and give him chance to apologise.

Megatron · 22/06/2020 08:23

Yes, only on Mumsnet would people, rather than consider the actual question, dissect a post to question completely irrelevant points to make the OP sound strange. Happens all the time on here.

Redleathertrousers · 22/06/2020 08:26

YANBU OP. What a vile message. Not remotely funny. I'd be very hurt. I hope he is very apologetic.

Kittykat93 · 22/06/2020 08:28

What a knob head.

Kittykat93 · 22/06/2020 08:29

I think your message was good op.

BirdieDance · 22/06/2020 08:29

I think your reply is great actually. Hopefully he'll get it and apologise profusely

Cherrysoup · 22/06/2020 08:32

I’m glad you didn’t just brush this off. Surely he thought this wasn’t ok? Utterly brutal of him.

AntiHop · 22/06/2020 08:33

Well done with your reply. He's an insensitive dick.

skyblue27 · 22/06/2020 08:36

.

PicsInRed · 22/06/2020 08:36

I have been reminded of a conversation I had with him during our degree when he said to me that before he got to know me, he thought I was 'just another dumb teenage Mum'!I took it as a compliment at the time but actually, I don't think it was....!

No, sadly it wasn't.

Consider yourself freed from having to concern yourself of him ever more.

What a purely distasteful man he is.

OldOakTreeRibbon · 22/06/2020 08:37

It’s a cruel remark as he knows that you were widowed, but even if the fathers had been one-night stands it’s still cheap and nasty comment.

zdjg · 22/06/2020 08:37

That's an awful thing to say!

Angelonia · 22/06/2020 08:38

Good reply OP. I hope it makes him think a bit.

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 22/06/2020 08:39

That's not funny, he was rude and insensitive.

GeraltOfRivia · 22/06/2020 08:41

I'm glad you've replied and told him rather than letting it fester. It was ana would thing to say.

mnahmnah · 22/06/2020 08:42

I hope you get an appropriate response, soon, OP.

Mummytime1 · 22/06/2020 08:44

It would have been funny if it had been a close friend and all fathers were still with you as good friends can joke around together but his message was in awful taste. Cut that tie with him you don’t need negativity like that in your life.

Sorry for your loss op but glad you and your children have found some happiness Flowers

ellieelephant1 · 22/06/2020 08:44

What a bellend! Sorry for your loss OP.

Dyrne · 22/06/2020 08:44

I think your reply was great OP - he deserves to know that he shouldn’t be making shitty “jokes” when bereavement is involved - I think if you hadn’t been widowed it would have just been a poor taste joke I could have rolled my eyes at, (or made a crap joke back along the lines of “at least I can just photocopy the same card and they’ll never know!”) but the fact that he knows your circumstances makes it extremely tactless.

Your reply was measured and lets him know he was out of order without going over the too. Ignore the other posters accusing you of being “oversensitive”.

Branleuse · 22/06/2020 09:24

thats a pretty shitty message. He probably thought it was bantz, but id be hurt too

Merryoldgoat · 22/06/2020 09:39

So often on here I read of someone who has been treated badly and they refuse to confront or deal with the terrible behaviour.

Well done OP - I’m so glad you put a stop to his shit. I suspect that if you think back there will be even more examples of his awful behaviour and views.

If he apologise sincerely then maybe there’s a chance for the friendship. If you get a flippant reply that confirms he’s a cunt.

(As an aside that’s the second time I’ve used the word ‘cunt’ this morning - I might need to stop the caffeine...)

starrynight87 · 22/06/2020 09:42

Unfunny and nasty

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