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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?

295 replies

Flipfloptanlines · 21/06/2020 20:41

My 3 children are by 3 different men. Not how I expected my life to go but it happened.

First child I had when I was 16. The dad and I get on great but we were too young and didn't stay together. No issues at all, always managed to co-parent throughout our daughter's childhood.
In my early 20s I got married. My second child was born and totally planned. I was then widowed totally unexpectedly aged 26 My heart was broken. I didn't think I would ever recover.

I recently married my second husband after years of heart ache after being widowed. We have formed a really loving and close family. We have an 8 month old baby. I am finally happy again.

I have a friend who I have been reasonably close to since university. He is happily married with 4 children.

I text him this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and he replied and said
'Busy day for you, with all those baby daddies', then lots of wink emojis and laughing faces.

I am mortified.

Was this an awful thing to say, or am I over reacting? It has touched a horrible raw nerve. Today is hard anyway, without someone cracking a joke, let alone this person being a friend and knowing what I went through. He has made me feel cheap. Until this comment, I haven't considered myself to be cheap. I have 3 fantastic children, a great career and life is good again.

AIBU to never speak to him again?

OP posts:
HelmutShmacker · 22/06/2020 09:46

I really can't believe he said that. How absolutely awful!!! Really hope you are OK OP FlowersFlowersFlowers

Gulabjamoon · 22/06/2020 09:50

Yes I wouldn't forgive this. And his babies are not any more precious than yours because they were born via IVF.

VettiyaIruken · 22/06/2020 09:57

I hope he apologises but sadly I suspect he'll accuse you of being oversensitive and make out he's upset with you.

billy1966 · 22/06/2020 10:06

Great reply OP.

But his earlier comment in college was also very rude.

Exactly who fxxk does he think he is?

He's a deeply unpleasant man, and a really nasty one to boot.

On the back of the earlier comment, I would think he was very deliberately being very nasty.

Some people love to try and get a nasty comment past you...

I wouldn't hesitate to tell him to go to hell and circulate exactly what he sent you to your friends.

Nasty, little excuse of a man.

Flowers
Brefugee · 22/06/2020 10:10

I wonder if your friendship has run its course? His babies are no more precious than yours just because of the IVF. TBH in your shoes I'd have texted back a cheap shot about that, with emojis, and then said "what? it's bantz, like yours" and then slowly withdrawn from the friendship.

You were a teenage mum and you went to college. You're a bloody winner regardless of how many children by how many different men you have. Flowers

Original poster
Flipfloptanlines · 22/06/2020 10:35

@Brefugee
Thank you so much! I did my GCSES and A-levels as normal (lots of help from my mum), and then did my degree. I really wanted to come out fighting and almost prove the judgemental people wrong, but seems I didn't quite manage it!

Xx

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 22/06/2020 10:43

Flipfloptanlines you don't have to prove anything. You've lived your life well, are living it well, and have had some major difficulties - and a tragedy - which you've more than risen to.
I agree he probably has retrograde views on women that are 'showing'. His reply will reveal whether he gets it or not.

You can't prove judgemental people wrong - they have to get there of their own accord.

zingally · 22/06/2020 10:45

That's a really shitty thing to say, and I'd be telling him that. What a jerk.

Candyflosscookie · 22/06/2020 10:48

What an appalling thing for him to say. I literally winced when I read it and the fact you have sadly been widowed. Great reply OP.

I hope he just sent the text without thinking and is now mortified and apologises but agree anything less than a genuine apology merits kicking him to the curb. I hope his wife rips him a new one too.

Colom · 22/06/2020 10:48

I've texted my friends "happy Mother's Day" before, particularly when they were first time mums. How is that odd?!

I often wonder if some posters on here actually have any friends? The dynamics seem lost on them! If so, they probably send them a bi-monthly email, formally listing their recent achievements and family circumstances signed off with "Kind regards" Grin

LagunaBubbles · 22/06/2020 10:53

Hope he apologises.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 22/06/2020 10:53

I have 3 children with different fathers, two are absent by choice. If a ‘friend’ sent me that text they would no longer be a friend. And I’m not remotely prickly about it.

The fact that you have been tragically bereaved so young makes it almost unbelievably cruel.

Well done for responding.

Lipz · 22/06/2020 10:58

What an arse. I hope he will apologise. He knows your situation and it's very clear that a comment like that is just hurtful. He can't have forgotten one dad is no longer alive. I think I could do without people like him in my life.

Bluesheep8 · 22/06/2020 11:03

Sorry but I'm wincing at a grown adult using the term Baby Daddy tbh. Isn't it a phrase used by American teenagers? He's horrible op. Just phase him out.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/06/2020 11:06

I think he's probably forgot you're a woman. Men rib each other like this all the time. There's no male crying in it. My husbands friends make fun of him for being married twice.

But would he make fun of him for being married twice if his first wife had died?.......that's the distinction

Hangingwithmygnomies · 22/06/2020 11:08

For me I think it would depend on his reply before I decided whether to end the friendship or not. If he replies with a genuine apology I would maybe continue the friendship but at a little more distance. Anything other than that and I think I would have no more contact. Flowers

DuDuDuLangaLangaBingBong · 22/06/2020 11:08

[quote Flipfloptanlines]@Brefugee
Thank you so much! I did my GCSES and A-levels as normal (lots of help from my mum), and then did my degree. I really wanted to come out fighting and almost prove the judgemental people wrong, but seems I didn't quite manage it!

Xx[/quote]
Wow! That is quite an achievement!

My best friend at school had a baby while doing her GCSEs. Took a while to catch up with everything, in fact my friend studied for her degree at the same time her baby did 😍
So proud of them both.

(Ps, I am on my third husband and would happily have a baby with him, making 3 for 3 in total, but we are too old now!)

HelmutShmacker · 22/06/2020 11:24

Do you think your 'friend' is maybe annoyed at how everyone else seems to get pregnant easily, but he couldn't conceive naturally with his wife, so is having cheeky digs at you about it? Like, you got pregnant by 3 different men but he can't make one woman pregnant, and he feels inadequate, so he's lashing out in jokey manner? Even if that is the case it's really not on, I wouldn't be able to continue a friendship with someone who said that. Especially in your circumstances!! Did he not take your bereavement into consideration at all!?!?

ThickFast · 22/06/2020 11:26

That comment about being a teen mum coupled with his text to you sound like he has very particular ideas on the ‘proper’ way to have a baby. Not in teens and with only one dad. I really hate that attitude. I retract my comment about maybe he was feeling sensitive about having to have IVF. Your text you sent was great. I hope you had a good day yesterday, even though it would also have been sad as well.

Prayerwheel · 22/06/2020 11:28

I think he's probably forgot you're a woman. Men rib each other like this all the time. There's no male crying in it. My husbands friends make fun of him for being married twice.

Would your husband's 'friends' find it hilarious and banter-worthy if you died and left him a widower? What a hysterically funny source of ribbing. Hmm

Original poster
Flipfloptanlines · 22/06/2020 11:43

Thank you everyone, I have read every single comment and am so grateful for them.

He's replied. He sent a GIF which said 'touche' and then he wrote, 'Chill, I was pulling your leg'.

Well, how hilarious. I'm done!

I have just text another friend from Uni about it and sent her the screen shots. I think she might kill him!

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 22/06/2020 11:48

Wow! I would text him back and say "You are a monumental prick, fuck yourself, we are done, your friendship is no loss"

Medievalist · 22/06/2020 11:49

Wow. Who knew a major bereavement could be the subject of leg-pulling. What a total arse.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/06/2020 11:49

he wrote, 'Chill, I was pulling your leg'.

How did I know he'd be one of those? The only acceptable response is "I'm sorry, that was thoughtless. I won't do it again."

Cut and run, he's a prick.

Brefugee · 22/06/2020 11:50

so it depends, basically, how you want your friendship to go forward: same as before or more at arm's length (or not at all)

But if you are going to carry on as before it would be worth pointing out, pretty soon, that what he did was extremely hurtful and not easy to forget that's how he sees you.